If I ever had a half-full glass, it fell off the table a long time ago. When someone tells me to ‘be positive’, my first instinct includes punching that someone in the face. [It’s okay – I don’t actually do it. I just want to with fiery passion.]
I have a strong [understatement] tendency toward focusing on the bad things and ignoring the good ones. It’s not intentional. My brain just interprets the good things as flukes… accidents. But the bad things? Those are assumed, expected, the norm.
Well, fuck you, Norm.
I need to try to develop a little optimism. A little. Maybe it’ll stick. Maybe it won’t. [Honestly, I feel pretty negative about this whole endeavor. Yes, I see the irony.] But what the hell… just because the bad things outnumber the good things at least tenfold, that’s no reason not to try. Right?
God, this seems like a lot of work.
I have committed myself [should have committed myself a long time ago] to post something good, something positive, something happy – once a week. Not some link or quote or cliché. No. Something from me, my brain, my life. Once a week. Whatever day I feel like posting it.
I’ll never depart the dark side completely [as if I could]. No. I’m Darth Overthinker. I’m sarcastic and occasionally bitchy and my light saber is black so you’ll never see it coming. And I hate myself right now for making a Star Wars reference. God damn John has made me even more of a nerd than I was BJ. [‘Before John‘ not ‘blow job’, you perv.]
So of course, I cannot leave the all darkness behind. That’s just not who I am and I don’t want to be anyone else [hey, that’s positive, right?]. Some of the time, I need the darkness – the disappointment and failure and negativity – to fuel my writing, among other things. [And I think the dark side may be my comfort zone. Not sure how I feel about that, but it’s me.]
Come now, dears, all bright side all the time? Crazy talk! I’d have to punch myself in the face.
On with the show.
[Potential sappiness ahead. Read at your own risk.]
[Also, a bit self-involved, but it kind of has to be about me for me to focus on what’s good in my life, right?]
At the moment, I have something in my life that’s really quite good.
I was stunned when this blog reached 10 followers… or even 1 for that matter. Today, I have 243 lovely people following this thing. [272 if I include my paltry numbers from Twitter and evilFacebook that WP likes to lump in.] How did this happen? Who the hell wants to read anything I have to say? Apparently, you. The best people ever.
[Granted, of these 243 followers, I’d guess that maybe 40, tops, actually read my shit. But who can read every post by every blogger they follow? No one. Everyone has to make the hard choices… everyone has their favorites…]
Aside from having incredibly great taste in reading material, you guys [and girls… probably mostly girls… I don’t know] inspire me with your kindness, support, and encouragement. And the talent and the passion I find out there every day on your blogs – it’s beautiful. I admire your open, honest bravery – it incites the same in me [no small feat].
I still have fear and anxiety posting some things. But I also have courage, even if only for that moment when I hit publish. [Because, let’s face it, then I worry all over again about the reaction – will it be good? bad? non-existent? And of course, the ever-present – yikes! was that a mistake? Undo!!]
But you‘re amazing at lifting me up with your thoughts, your comments, your sense of humor. I hope I sometimes manage to succeed in doing that for you instead of sounding like the awkward weirdo I truly am. It’s such a cool thing – knowing that when I wonder if I’ve lost my mind or if anyone will ever understand me, you understand me. And when I wonder if I’m writing anything good or if anyone would want to read it, you read it.
Maybe I’ve finally found my people because you seem to get me. God knows that’s not easy.
So… since I’m trying to be all optimistic and positive and shit, I’m going to remember, when I feel like ass, that I have you… and you are amazing.
I broke through some huge roadblocks to get here in the first place. I should be proud of that, right? And damn, I write poetry now – totally new to me – and I put it out there. For people to read. Scared they would laugh at me. [Always happy to make someone laugh but I prefer with me, not at me.] Still, I was brave enough to do it… and so touched that people actually liked what I wrote. I had no idea what I was doing. I still don’t. But seriously, thank you for the feedback. Immeasurably valuable to me.
I appreciate every one of you… whether you’ve read one post here or a hundred, whether you follow or not, whether you comment or not, whether you love me or not. [Oh, but of course you love me… I’m so lovable. Ha! There! See that? Positivity in action! Or is that self-involved bitchery? You see, I cannot always tell and therein lies a piece of my positivity conundrum.]
If you’re out there silently reading in the shadows [and I’m sure some of you are because sometimes I am the silent reader], come out and play… say hello… or say anything you want. Or don’t… if you don’t want to. [I mean, I hope you want to. I love the interaction… the conversation, but no demands here. God knows I can write endlessly until I’m writing directly to another human – then I panic and second-guess every damn word, assuming I sound like a moron or a freak.] But if you do come out of hiding, I promise not to bite…
…Unless you’re into that. Please be sure to let me know.
☼
[I promise every ‘positive post’ won’t turn into a sap-fest like this one.]
[And I’m still wondering if the reason I came up with this idea in the first place was really because I wanted to make a cute title graphic involving coffee… ‘cause it makes people perky. Not me-people. Other people. Pretty sure I am never ‘perky’. Also, graphic subject to change since I made, like, six different ones and hated deciding.]
what sandra thinks 