too many people.
I used to be able to handle being around lots of people, but I get anxious now. I don’t slip into a panic or anything. I just don’t like it. I even want to move, partly because I live in a busy suburb and there are too many people. I want to be farther away. From everything. (I want to move for a number of other reasons, too, but that’s another story.)
Of course, no matter how far away I run, I’ll still be with me. *I* am too many people. I have so many thoughts screaming at me inside my head. I can’t escape them. And I have yet to learn how to quiet them. They’re actually having a fucking party in my head right now. This is why sometimes I want to sleep for a few days. Like, straight through.
I have all sorts of contradicting thoughts, too. I’m fighting myself.
I wish I had friends. I want to be alone. I’m lonely. I wish I wasn’t alone. I want everyone to get out. Doing [insert thing here] will make me feel terrible. I’m going to do [insert same thing here]. I’m going to accomplish something. I’m staying in bed. I don’t care what people think. What if they don’t like me?
I have a headache.
(Not actually my brain. Close, though.)
I really do want to have a good friend or two, but I also want alone time. Right now, too much of my time is alone time. That might sound good to some of you, but trust me when I say too much is a bad thing. I guess that’s true for anything. Even people. Especially people. Too many people is definitely a bad thing.
Mr. Right and Mr. Left would not be too many people.
p.s. — I don’t actually *hear* the voices in my head. They’re just thoughts. And I’m not actually more than one person. Those things were metaphors. Just wanted to clarify in case that concerned you.