“You don’t cry because you are weak. You cry because you have been strong for too long.”
If you know me, you know that motivational lines and quotes like the one above make me roll my eyes. And cringe. And possibly throw up. But this one showed up on my phone today (don’t ask), and I like it. Yes. I said it. I like it.
I don’t know if I believe it, but I’d like to. It makes me seem less pathetic.
I have done a lot of crying over the past couple of weeks. The reasons are sort of irrelevant for the purposes of this post. Just assume everything in my life has gone to hell, and your assumption will be correct.
I have always thought of myself as weak, but if I’m to agree with that little gem of wisdom up there, I’m not. But what does “strong for too long” mean? Does that mean I can stop being strong now? Because it’s been too long? What shall I do? Curl up in a ball in my closet and cry? (Can’t say this has never happened.)
A couple of days ago, I had a meltdown over something really insignificant. I did something stupid and I lost it. On myself. Yeah, of course I make mistakes. Everyone does. But most of the time when I make one, I beat myself up for hours. Sometimes days. That’s not strong, is it?
My head tells me that doing stupid things justifies me hating myself.
Yeah, some part of my brain knows that’s not right. But the rest of my brain is clearly more dominant. Or, you know, strong.
Suddenly, strong doesn’t sound so great.
I’d say I could use a good cry, but I’ve already had one today. I don’t want to be greedy.
• • • • •
I need one of you (or both, I’m not picky) to come hold me for a while. Hug me and tell me *it’ll be okay* even if that’s a lie.
p.s. — Maybe this is my hug. But fuck if it doesn’t make me cry. I guess I’m still being “strong” (and it has definitely been too long).