“You don’t cry because you are weak. You cry because you have been strong for too long.”
If you know me, you know that motivational lines and quotes like the one above make me roll my eyes. And cringe. And possibly throw up. But this one showed up on my phone today (don’t ask), and I like it. Yes. I said it. I like it.
I don’t know if I believe it, but I’d like to. It makes me seem less pathetic.
I have done a lot of crying over the past couple of weeks. The reasons are sort of irrelevant for the purposes of this post. Just assume everything in my life has gone to hell, and your assumption will be correct.
I have always thought of myself as weak, but if I’m to agree with that little gem of wisdom up there, I’m not. But what does “strong for too long” mean? Does that mean I can stop being strong now? Because it’s been too long? What shall I do? Curl up in a ball in my closet and cry? (Can’t say this has never happened.)
A couple of days ago, I had a meltdown over something really insignificant. I did something stupid and I lost it. On myself. Yeah, of course I make mistakes. Everyone does. But most of the time when I make one, I beat myself up for hours. Sometimes days. That’s not strong, is it?
My head tells me that doing stupid things justifies me hating myself.
Yeah, some part of my brain knows that’s not right. But the rest of my brain is clearly more dominant. Or, you know, strong.
Suddenly, strong doesn’t sound so great.
I’d say I could use a good cry, but I’ve already had one today. I don’t want to be greedy.
• • • • •
I need one of you (or both, I’m not picky) to come hold me for a while. Hug me and tell me *it’ll be okay* even if that’s a lie.
p.s. — Maybe this is my hug. But fuck if it doesn’t make me cry. I guess I’m still being “strong” (and it has definitely been too long).
©2021 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Your head tells me that doing stupid things justifies you hating myself, when it should be telling you that a mistake in an opportunity to learn something new. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is immune from mistakes. It is how we react to them that determines how we deal with them. Having said all of that, it is easier to say this than to do. But each time we try to deal with and react to mistakes differently, it might get a little easier. Be kind to yourself. We are only human.
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Sometimes, though, the mistakes aren’t little things, and I can’t fix them. I may be able to learn something for next time, but I can never undo the first mistake. I react pretty poorly to pretty much everything. I blame myself for everything because I actually believe it’s my fault.
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The mistake may be your fault but it seems less stressful to think that you did your best, no matter what. If they is an area to improve or you did learn something it the mistake was worthwhile. Some mistakes aren’t fixable and that is okay. We can accept that. A workaround may be a better option.
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You’re still being hyper critical of yourself. And yes, I believe you are strong. But that doesn’t ever mean you don’t have any vulnerabilities or fears. Please don’t forget that.
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Some people find crying cathartic–I hope you’re one of them! You are strong, and it takes a strong person to be so honest about their emotions:-)
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Thank you. People keep telling me I’m strong, but I’m just not seeing it. I’m just open so I dump everything here on my blog. I’m not sure that’s strong.
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It is very strong.
Because it takes courage to admit it out loud.. even if you are an open person!
You are brave!
Strong doesn’t have to mean lift a car and brave doesn’t mean jump off a cliff.
You are strong- in your own way. With your emotions. And that makes you stronger than someone who can lift a car. Because lifting a car is instantaneous but lifting yourself up and carrying it for a long time…. if that isn’t strong..
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I guess I don’t feel brave because there are so many things I need to do in my life that I haven’t been able to do. Some are a bit urgent, but I haven’t been able to do them because they’re difficult and scary. I’m not sure how to find courage.
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One step at a time?
Sometimes, however small or a big task is, it becomes so easy to get overwhelmed. I have a pile of work to do that completely scares me and here I am instead…
I have actually been blogging A LOT trying to not do the work. The only positive is I am writing and interacting with fellow bloggers frequently!
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You are good at seeing the positive side of things. I’m really not. And I’m also guilty of doing other things (anything) when I want to put off a task I really don’t want to do.
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It’s okayy.. to not feel guilty.. but I get it
*hugs*
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