I guess I’ve been doing everything wrong. And my family wants nothing to do with me because of it.
Lately, each of the four of us (me, son, daughter, husband) have had our own shit to deal with, and in doing so, everyone has become mean to each other. I wanted to talk about it, even if just with my husband. He seemed annoyed that I even wanted to discuss it. And the conversation went as expected. I talked, he just sat there barely making a sound.
Except I don’t.
Tonight over dinner, I mentioned it with all family members present. I thought we needed to talk about making an effort to be nicer to each other. I didn’t think that was unreasonable. My husband disagreed.
Long story short, I felt ganged-up on and attacked for trying to make things better (by my husband and daughter anyway… my son stayed quiet). My husband told me to just stop. He thinks everyone needs to deal with their own shit for a couple of weeks and not even think about each other right now. And then things will somehow magically be better.
There’s a big fat flaw with this plan. A couple of weeks ago, things were as they are now. More than a couple of weeks, actually. So how are the next couple of weeks going to be any different?
I don’t know what he’s smoking but maybe I need some.
His idea is not different than what’s going on now. Everyone’s already focused on their own shit and treating the others like crap. So I guess he proposes that we do nothing… change nothing. We just leave things as they are.
Problem being, I feel like complete hell. I can’t stand everyone being mean to each other. I have been trying so fucking hard to make things a little better around here, but apparently, I should stop. He told me to stop. He said stop trying, just do your own thing. He basically told me that I was making things worse. By trying to make things better.
Next problem—I don’t know if I can stop trying. My entire life is taking care of my family. If I’m being told not to do that, what do I do? I never did figure out what I love. If I’m to stop trying to get my family to get along and just keep to myself, what does that even mean for me? I don’t have any self.
To add insult to injury (I’m not sure I like that expression), after dinner, my daughter and my husband were playing with something on their phones, laughing together. I’ve spent the past week listening to my daughter tell me that she thinks her dad hates her. Now he’s her best friend. And I’m some fucking villain for trying to make things better around here.
I guess I should just go to my room and cry. That’s how I deal with my own shit.
• • • • •
I could use some company. Volunteers? You two… right there… how about you? No, it’s okay… you don’t need to put on a shirt…
p.s. — I know someone is going to tell me that my husband is right or that his plan is a good one. I’m not prepared for that, but I expect it. I can *sort of* see where he’s coming from, but his delivery made me feel like crap. And I maintain that his proposal is basically what’s already going on. I don’t see how that’s going to improve things. It’s what got us here in the first place.