I guess I’ve been doing everything wrong. And my family wants nothing to do with me because of it.
Lately, each of the four of us (me, son, daughter, husband) have had our own shit to deal with, and in doing so, everyone has become mean to each other. I wanted to talk about it, even if just with my husband. He seemed annoyed that I even wanted to discuss it. And the conversation went as expected. I talked, he just sat there barely making a sound.
I quit.
Except I don’t.
Tonight over dinner, I mentioned it with all family members present. I thought we needed to talk about making an effort to be nicer to each other. I didn’t think that was unreasonable. My husband disagreed.
Long story short, I felt ganged-up on and attacked for trying to make things better (by my husband and daughter anyway… my son stayed quiet). My husband told me to just stop. He thinks everyone needs to deal with their own shit for a couple of weeks and not even think about each other right now. And then things will somehow magically be better.
There’s a big fat flaw with this plan. A couple of weeks ago, things were as they are now. More than a couple of weeks, actually. So how are the next couple of weeks going to be any different?
I don’t know what he’s smoking but maybe I need some.
His idea is not different than what’s going on now. Everyone’s already focused on their own shit and treating the others like crap. So I guess he proposes that we do nothing… change nothing. We just leave things as they are.
Problem being, I feel like complete hell. I can’t stand everyone being mean to each other. I have been trying so fucking hard to make things a little better around here, but apparently, I should stop. He told me to stop. He said stop trying, just do your own thing. He basically told me that I was making things worse. By trying to make things better.
Next problem—I don’t know if I can stop trying. My entire life is taking care of my family. If I’m being told not to do that, what do I do? I never did figure out what I love. If I’m to stop trying to get my family to get along and just keep to myself, what does that even mean for me? I don’t have any self.
To add insult to injury (I’m not sure I like that expression), after dinner, my daughter and my husband were playing with something on their phones, laughing together. I’ve spent the past week listening to my daughter tell me that she thinks her dad hates her. Now he’s her best friend. And I’m some fucking villain for trying to make things better around here.
I guess I should just go to my room and cry. That’s how I deal with my own shit.
• • • • •
I could use some company. Volunteers? You two… right there… how about you? No, it’s okay… you don’t need to put on a shirt…
p.s. — I know someone is going to tell me that my husband is right or that his plan is a good one. I’m not prepared for that, but I expect it. I can *sort of* see where he’s coming from, but his delivery made me feel like crap. And I maintain that his proposal is basically what’s already going on. I don’t see how that’s going to improve things. It’s what got us here in the first place.
©2021 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I’m not going to act as if I understand how to be a parent, but from a son’s point of view (also a family of four), I feel that there are peaks and troughs in family living, and if that’s anything to go by, I also think that you’ll all come together as a family in the future. Either way, just thought I’d drop by and tell you that someone has read what you’re going through.
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Thank you. I’m just so sad about how things are right now. I don’t like seeing my kids unhappy… or mean to each other.
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A tough situation to deal with Sandra !
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Ugh. That really bugs me. No. Hubs shouldn’t have just shut you down like that. Either by staying silent or by cutting you off in front of your kids. That undermines you as half of those kids’ parents, and puts him at the top. In a way, it also seems like he’s giving the kids an okay to be little jerks ( if that’s what they’re doing). Parenting, when in a marriage, should be equal and agreed upon. The fact that he won’t listen just bugs the hell out of me. Besides, if this combined shit storm has been brewing for weeks, if not months, then staying quiet is NOT going to help. It’s just going to continue driving a wedge between everyone. And that’s not fair to anyone, including you.
You deserve better than that, love. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this stuff on your own. I really hope that someone comes around and tries your plan on for size.
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I think I’m on my own. I know I’m not perfect I make lots of mistakes, especially as a mother. But you’re right — he should either be on my side or talk to me alone before coming at me like that in front of the kids. Now I feel like an idiot for even trying, and he’s the fucking hero because he basically gave them a license to treat each other however the hell they want. I can’t compete with that. I don’t want my family to fall apart but trying to help isn’t working for me either. I feel like my only choice at this point is to back off and try to hope things will get better. I just don’t really have that hope.
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Here’s my suggestion if you’re stuck with waiting: IF the time comes that some other shit hits the fan and makes things worse, then you need to speak up and shut them down.
You were willing to try it their way. Now it’s YOUR turn to shut it down and implement some civility.
If they try again to ignore you or brush you off as irrelevant, then pot smashing and swearing at full volume may be a good attention grabber.
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I think you’re right. I will do it their way for now. If things don’t get better over the next couple of weeks, I will step in.
Pot smashing and swearing sounds good, too.
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I knew you’d like that last part. 🤣
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Ahh… you know me. 🙂
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That sucks.. especially with the Holidays coming. Maybe try his way until Thanksgiving. Holiday togetherness might be acceptable then.
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I like talking things over as it gives me some sense of peace, stability and direction. If I can’t talk over issues, I get so antsy. I think I can understand your point of view and waiting for things to sort themselves out sometimes implies letting the issue simmer and even become more difficult to tackle. Good luck 🙂
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I don’t think his plan is a good one. Relationships need communication and hard work. Not just “do your own thing” I’m sorry you’re stuck in that position of trying to fix things but not being able to, or others not wanting to. Continue trying to be supportive to your family even if they don’t want it right now. I hope they will come to see how much love you have for them and that you’re there for them.
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I’m really worried things are going to get worse, and I don’t think there’s anything I can do
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Im really sorry to hear that. It’s such a horrible feeling of hopelessness to have! 😥
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Thanks for being here for me.
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💛💛💛
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The only person you can “help” is yourself. You’ll be amazed how much more inclined others are to follow when led (without verbal direction). And families are just weird, not only yours. I don’t have any advice for the husband’s situation but I can say my earlier advice worked for me. Take yourself to dinner and a movie. Go to the park. Start living. It makes a world of difference.
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I probably do need to do things like that. But I don’t even know how to anymore. The thought of going and doing things alone gives me so much anxiety.
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Start small. I have anxiety too so I know what you are talking about. I go hiking in our nearby woods. I started collecting and drying flowers. The dry flowers can then be incorporated with gifts or into the gift itself. Just an idea for you. Let me know if you give it a try. Some days I go walk just to cry in a different environment. Then I see nature and it helps to alleviate my stress.
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I wish I could do something like that. First, it’s getting pretty cold here. Second, my back pain probably wouldn’t let me get far on a walk like that. I’m also kind of paranoid to walk alone. I’m not in a dangerous area or anything. I’m just anxious.
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😔
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Your husband isn’t right; he’s a dick. Sorry you have to deal with him continually undermining your efforts to improve family relations.
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I just don’t know what to do. Bringing it up with him again will only result in a fight. I’m not going to do that. I guess I need to give it a bit of time before I do anything more. It sucks. And you’re right. He is a dick. I hate this.
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There’s none so blind as those who will not see, and problems may go away if you do nothing, but our natural instinct is to try our best to fix things that are not right. I think you have no option but to try to improve things in any way you can, little by little, and hope that you start to get a bit of common sense from the others. First love yourself, and look after yourself. I know that is not easy for you but you really must try your best. Revenge of Eve is right! Hugs to you. 😻
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Hating myself has become part of my identity. If I ever stop, I lose that. I don’t really know who I am but I’ve become my self-hate and my sadness. It feels like that’s all I am.
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Been there too. Start small. Do an at home pedicure 😁
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Also great for my back pain. 🙂 I can do it, but I usually have lots of pain after. Maybe a manicure instead. Not as nice, but easier for me. Or I can just soak my feet. That would feel nice. Until the water gets cold.
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Manicures are nice ☺️
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Maybe your approach to handling your kids should come from a different angle, I think you should speak to them individually and try to understand what the problem is, I’m not trying to be insensitive in any way but maybe that may help… You’re stronger than you think, I’m sure you’ll some day rise up and find your happiness again.. I love that you shared this
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Thank you. I think talking to them individually sounds like a good idea. I feel like I want to leave everything alone for now, but in the future, I think talking to them separately might be a good strategy.
I certainly don’t feel strong, though. And I fear I will never be happy. But thank you for reading and writing.
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You do just that girl and trust me the fact that you’re still here shows how strong you are
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I know I’m way late to the party, but I don’t think your husband was right at all. I’m sorry no one saw it your way. *hug*
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Thank you. And you’re always welcome at the “party” no matter when you arrive. ♥
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Thank you. ❤
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