maybe you really like me.

… or you really like that I’m miserable.

I will explain. (Sorry.)

You know how I always worry about posting my personal struggles because I’m overwhelmed with shame and embarrassment over it? You know how I worry that those posts are annoying or whiny? You know how I worry that people will think less of me or something ridiculous like that?

It turns out those are my most popular posts.

Okay, that’s probably a lie. But I noticed that of my recent posts (like, in the last month since I rose from the dead), the ones filled with angst, depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and other assorted personal struggles get the most likes and especially the most comments. So either you like me or you like that I’m miserable. I’m not gonna touch that second one.

I suppose this means that maybe I should stop worrying so much about what I should or shouldn’t post and just do whatever the fuck I want. Whatever I need. And lately (and often) what I need is to talk about my fucked up life.

It’s the no friends thing all over again. It would be nice to text a friend and meet for coffee or visit each other. Someone to talk to. Someone to laugh with. Someone to love and support me. Maybe give me a hug. I don’t get those except occasionally from my daughter (yes, I feel the irony).

Oh, speaking of my daughter (again), she has a not-boyfriend. What I mean is that she obviously likes this boy and he obviously likes her, but they are not together. That’s good, I guess, since they are only 13. But it’s fucking adorable. He’s the new kid—transferred from a nearby town the second week of school. A cute, tall hockey player who loves to read and likes the same music by daughter listens to (he is also going to see Shawn Mendes). They are kind of perfect for each other, if that’s a thing at their age. Get this: My daughter has a bad cold, and she missed two days of school this week. Both of those days, her boy called during lunch to check on her. How cute is that? So fucking cute.

She would be furious if she knew I was telling the internet about this.

Want to know something fucked up? Well, too bad. I’m going to tell you anyway.

I think I’m living vicariously through my daughter. And that seems kind of inappropriate to me. Oh hell, it seems all kinds of wrong. I’m not sure I can explain why, but it does. I’m very careful what I say to her because I don’t want to put my own ideas in her head. I want her to have her own teenage experience—not mine.

I just miss being a teenager, I guess. Lots of people say they hated those years, but I loved them. And the crushes—especially the ones who actually like you back? That’s the best. I loved school. All the fun we had in the halls between classes… after school clubs… passing notes… school dances… and, well, any kind of math. (Nerd alert.) School was awesome. Maybe I peaked in high school. God, that’s a depressing thought. But I did love that time in my life. Oh, I was depressed then, too, but I had friends and I was always busy with one thing or another. I guess my life felt… full. Now it feels empty.

I can’t relive that time in my life. I think it’s why I have this recurring dream where I’m at my high school and I’m standing at my locker and I can’t remember the combination. I keep trying but I can’t get it open. I realized, after having this dream dozens of times, that the locker represents my youth… and I can’t have it back. I’ve had a similar dream where I’m in my college dorm and I’m locked out of my room and I can’t find my key or an RA to open my door for me. I can’t get in. Just like the locker.

I have a serious problem with living in the past. Or wishing I could have the past back, I guess, is more accurate. I want a do-over. Yes, I enjoyed school and being a teenager, but it could have been so much better. That would have been the time for me to work on my self-esteem because it would have made the years that followed so much better. It would have made today better.

I want to go back to thirteen and do it right this time. I want to put some serious effort into learning to love myself as a teenager. I want to value myself, not feel valuable only if someone else values me. Because that is how I’ve lived pretty much my whole life. As far back as I can remember, I only felt good about myself if someone else felt good about me. I think it started very young. Like, under ten years old. Maybe it’s because I have three sisters (two older, one younger). Maybe I never felt noticed, and therefore, not valuable. As I got older, it became clear to me that I was the odd one out. The oldest, the baby, the favorite, and… me. What was I? What am I? I was the misfit. The black sheep. The fuck-up. To this day, I feel isolated from them. I fake it pretty well. But I know I don’t fit in.

I know you’re all thinking that I can work on my self-esteem and self-love now. But fuck if I can figure out how to do that. Nothing works. I can’t even get myself to try some of the suggestions. Others I try but they do nothing. Most seem pointless at this stage of my life. I’ve hated myself for a lot of years. It would take a lot of years to change that hate to love. I don’t think I have enough years left. It’s too late. Yes, it really is. Yes. It is. Too late. A necessary component is missing now that I had when I was a teenager: hope.

Well, this post has jumped all over the place. I should probably have split it into multiple posts. That would have worked out well for my goal of posting more. But all of this flowed out of me together. I think I should leave it that way.

So… to sum up:

  1. My depression/anxiety/crisis posts seem quite popular.
  2. I shouldn’t worry that I’m going to drive you away by posting about those things.
  3. I have no friends.
  4. My daughter has a boy friend but not a boyfriend. And they are fucking cute.
  5. I am creepily living vicariously through my daughter.
  6. I loved high school. I wish I could go back and enjoy it again, but better this time.
  7. My psyche knows I can’t get my youth back, yet my mind fights itself on that.
  8. I hate myself.
  9. I am the black sheep of my family.
  10. My mind is alarmingly capable of running through way too many thoughts at once.

Thank you for reading. You know, if you made it to the end.

·•·

    
Again, living in the past—I wish I had ended up with one of these guys. I need a fucking time machine. And possibly a plastic surgeon.


p.s. — Maybe I’m working on the larger book up there ^ at the top of this post. God knows I rambled on about enough here to drive the weak-willed away…

         
©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to maybe you really like me.

  1. davidprosser says:

    Sweetie, you have a daughter who loves her mother. You must be doing something right. Your self-esteem would be better if you realised that. I’m the black sheep of m family too and just this last week ended 67 years of love and frienship with my cousin after he said all

    Liked by 1 person

    • davidprosser says:

      Brexiteers should burn in hell. He thinks they’re all racist. Just so you know, I’m not. This will play on my mind and depress me but I won’t hit the depths I used to because like you I have a beautiful daughter who for some reason loves her old man. If you look to the future and see what your daughter can do and how you can help her, you’ll begin to see your value. In that value lies self esteem and the World thanks you because of what you’ve done.
      Massive Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry about your cousin. I wish people were more open minded and accepting of others’ views. They don’t have to agree, but they can still respect each other.

        Honestly, sometimes, I’m not sure if my daughter loves me. She has told me a few times that she doesn’t think we have a relationship or that we have nothing in common. That’s not true, but she still says it sometimes.

        I’ve struggled with no (or no) self-esteem for a very long time. I don’t know if I will ever have it. I often think it’s too late for me to “fix” my life. Like, there is no point. But I don’t want to feel useless and hopeless either.

        Thank you for the hugs and the thoughts. I appreciate them very much.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I like you because when I read your words, they sound kinda like my own in my head.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It’s definitely weird how the posts we least expect to perform are the ones getting the most traction. Goes to prove just how little we should trust our judgement on others’ tastes.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I like your Posts because I can feel the honesty. My blog focuses on True Life so that’s what drew me to yours. I, also had a hard time letting go of the past and dealing with lack of friends
    Plus, I, also am the Black Sheep of my family. What helped me was the book, ‘Boundaries’. I love to read, and while it is biblically based, it is not preachy. I highly recommend it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am definitely honest here. Well, I’m honest in general… But it’s one of the main reasons I started this blog and why I did so (mostly) anonymously — to say everything without a filter.

      It’s hard having no friends. I don’t need a bunch. Even one would be great. I just feel very isolated and alone. The only adult I see all the time is my husband and that’s not helpful.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Why do you hate yourself? What is it about you that you hate? I have a lot of regrets myself and things that I wish I could change in my past to make my now so much better. I wasted a lot of time in my youth, not sorting my shit earlier and I am paying for it now. How about you and I start work on a time machine? 😂 also, even though its not the same, you do have friends on here who will listen to your thoughts and feelings all anytime you need them to. You’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hate everything about me. I think this is a topic for its own post. Maybe I will try to write it. There are so many reasons. I’m weak, I’m selfish in a way that’s hard to explain, I’m too dependent on others for things I should be capable of on my own, I make terrible decisions (always have), I never figured out what I wanted to do with my life so I’m doing nothing. So many reasons.

      I desperately want to change decisions I made in my past that would drastically improve my present.

      I do appreciate the friends I have here so much. It’s the only place I feel that I have anyone to “talk” to. But I still wish I had someone offline.

      And I also feel that I should say thank you for everything you said. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Someone who can raise children is not weak in my eyes, you clearly love you daughter more than anything and I’m sure she knows she has a great mother to look up to. The terrible decisions thing, I wouldn’t worry about too much, every decision you have made in your life led you to here and now, and you’re still fighting the good fight. The never figuring out anything to do, I can relate with so much. I sat down one day and went through EVERY course on offer in my country and wrote down what interested me and I ended up with like 100, then 50, then 20, then 10 and now I am doing my degree. I never thought I would. I’m 29 and I am only starting my degree, it is NEVER too late.

        It would be a godsend to be able to change somethings I’ve done. Some things I have done are not me, I know they’re not me, they never were, but they are black stains on my life.

        Oh I get that a lot about wanting friends offline, its tough out there and covid didn’t help, but hopefully we’re through the worst of it.

        No problem, I am here if you need to talk, anytime! 😁👍

        Liked by 1 person

        • Let me just start by saying I am over 29. I won’t tell you how many years over… but there it is. I do think it’s too late for me. Plus I can’t afford to go back to school anyway. And… I still don’t know what I’d want to do. I wish I’d figured it out when I was about 17.

          Raising children doesn’t make me strong. It just highlights my weaknesses. I love my children more than anything, but I have come to realize that I was not cut out to be a parent. I never should have had children. I have too much anxiety and I’m depressed and those things do not make a good mother.

          Yes, every decision I’ve ever made brought me to where I am now… But that is precisely why I wish I could change those decisions — because nothing in my life is good. I don’t want to be where I am. There are times when I don’t want to be anywhere. I want to just magically cease to exist.

          I haven’t had friends in a long time. I actually think getting married was bad for me. I spent too much time with my husband, lost touch with the few friends I had, I burned bridges because I’m just a crappy person, and now I’m stuck with no friends and a husband I can’t stand half the time. I know there are people out there who don’t have anyone, but I often think I’d be better off alone. That’d be better for me and better for everyone in my life.

          Liked by 1 person

          • No, that is fair enough, I would never dare ask a woman her age. 😄 Well that is fair enough, your situation is a lot different to mine and you have children to worry about and care for, I understand that. Can I ask you a question though? What makes you happy? What little bits of life do you smile at? Do you do anything for YOU in your life or is all about your family?

            It might not make you strong, but you need to have that strength to raise them somewhere. I know people who were terrible parents and their children turned out not so great either. Where did your anxiety come from? What are you anxious about? I mean I’ll go first, I am anxious about not being able to provide a decent life for my family in the future, but I will work and try for it.

            If I, or someone else could give you a reset button and put you back to the age of 17, what would you do differently? Where would you be now, do you think?

            Well put that not existing thing out of your head, you’re way too important to a lot of people in your life, whether they say it or not. Well I know people’s personalities online differ from real life, and I’ve only spoken to you here and there, but you don’t seem like a crappy person to me. You seem quite down to earth and practical and you seem to be someone who takes pleasure in the little things of life. That’s what I observed anyway. I’m sorry that you can’t stand your husband. Is there anything in particular that irritates you? Listen, no one would be better off without you, absolutely no one. Those people in your life love you. I know sometimes it may be hard to see, especially if you have had a crappy day yourself, but you are needed and wanted.

            I think for next while you need to focus on you. Oh yeah, be there for your husband and kids, but you need to start doing what makes you happy or at least trying things to get you there. True happiness is a really hard thing to achieve, but you deserve to be happy like everyone else, you need to give yourself another chance. Life can still be good to you.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I am a little weepy right now. I can’t remember the last time someone actually asked me about me… what would make me happy… why I feel how I feel. No one asks me those things.

              Honestly, I don’t know what makes me happy. I could say when my kids are happy, I’m happy. But that’s not what you mean, I don’t think. I think you mean what makes me happy… just me. I don’t know. Coffee? I like to read, but I kid you not — if I get to a stressful part of a story, I feel real anxiety. I get really sad. Sometimes I cry. It always works out in the end (in the kinds of books I read), but even knowing it’s going to work out doesn’t stop the anxiety from happening. So does reading make me happy? Sometimes i smile when something good or funny happens. I’m happy when I make someone else happy. I don’t know how to think of myself as a separate entity. It’s always about someone else. Even if I’m proud of an accomplishment, unless someone else is proud of me, too, it’s meaningless to me. I guess I can’t even answer your question. I don’t know what makes me happy.

              Do I do anything for me? I do take a little time for myself. I write or read. Sometimes I bake. Oh, wait, that’s for others, too… not just me. I have a list of things I should be doing for myself. Things that might help me with my depression and anxiety… like meditation, yoga, exercise. But I don’t do any of those things. I have no motivation. Someone recently told me that my brain knows those things would be good for me but my brain also thinks I don’t deserve to feel better so I don’t do them. That sounds about right.

              I am anxious about everything. My kids’ future (and their present… and their past), my crappy parenting, my chronic back pain, my financial situation, extended family gatherings and other social situations, my lack of drive, upsetting people, things that seem insulting to me even if the person may not have meant it that way (most recently, one of my sisters). Just… everything. Every day brings new things I’m anxious about. Maybe it came from never feeling like I measured up so I always felt like I was disappointing someone? I don’t know if that’s related. But I have had anxiety since I was about 12 or 13 years old.

              If I could go back, first, I’d try harder to figure out what direction I wanted to go in my life and I would have chosen a different college. I would have chosen a different major. Even if I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, I would have chosen something that would have gotten me a decent job. I would have been smarter with money. I would have stayed with the only man I think I ever truly loved. (I think I sabotaged that subconsciously because I didn’t think I deserved him.) I would not marry my husband. I would live closer to my mom and spend more time with my parents (mom, and dad before he died). I think I may not have had children. For sure I would have waited for true love instead of settling because I was afraid to be alone. Alone would have been better. There are also a bunch of things I’d do differently before 17, too, but I won’t get into that.

              If those things I just mentioned happened, I think today I’d be maybe married, maybe not. I would have no kids. I would have a good job and wouldn’t constantly be worried about money. I would have friends because I would feel more confident because I will have made better life choices.

              I think I’m pretty much the same here as I am in real life, except that I would never talk about a lot of this stuff in real life. If anything, I think I am more real here than in real life.

              My husband is just annoying. Nearly everything he says and does annoys me. I didn’t used to feel this way, but as I mentioned, I think I was afraid to be alone so I ignored a lot of red flags I should have seen. He’s not a horrible person… I just think he’s horrible for me.

              And I pretty much always feel that everyone would be better off without me. Everything I touch turns to crap. I don’t know how to change that feeling. I don’t know what I could do that would make me happy. If I focus on myself too much, I feel guilty and selfish, and often get sad.

              I feel like it’s too late for me. I don’t want to say my age, but my kids are 16 and 13, so you can probably get some sort of idea. I like to say I’m 29, but obviously that’s a lie. I just feel like there’s no point trying to improve my life now. My teens and twenties are gone… I can’t get them back and enjoy them more. I don’t care about enjoying life now… not really. And how can I anyway? I think I would need a new relationship, but I have two kids and no job… I’m trapped in this marriage. I can’t go anywhere. So I don’t feel like happiness is a possibility for me. It’s like I said… I’m missing something I had when I was younger… hope.

              Like

              • Hey, I apologise, I only got your reply a short time ago for some reason. I’m glad you stayed talking, I hoped I didn’t scare you off. I have to also apologise for making you almost cry, it wasn’t my intention, but I am sorry that no one asks you these questions.

                Well I understand that, I mean some TV shows/movies I watch, where I know the character survives in the end still gives me anxiety if there is a particularly violent or action packed episode. They’re the ones that stick with me the most. That is interesting, so you’re saying your happiness is based on other people’s happiness around you and its been like that for for long you don’t know how to change it?

                You do deserve to feel better and to feel happy, you deserve good things to happen to you. The fact that this affects you so much shows that you want to change. Look, motivation and I are BIG enemies and sometimes I don’t want to do ANYTHING. I tried yoga and pilates and exercise and meditation. The yoga and pilates were okay but they weren’t for me, I still try and keep up exercising, but just enough and I meditate very rarely, but if I need to I do. Sometimes you need to block out your own voices. Stop listening to that voice that says you aren’t worthy.

                Do you think your children grew up with a crappy mother? Do you think your children seen it that way? Well back pain is a bitch, I had a back injury for a few weeks from work and I never want it again, so I sympathise with you there. Don’t worry about upsetting people, I’m sure you’re not as bad as you think and I’m sure your sister knows it was a misunderstanding. That’s tough, no wonder it affected you so much having it from such a young age.

                So you would have lived a completely different life. A new man, a different career, a different place to live, possibly no kids, the whole lot. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out with the other man. And that life never gave you the answer to the question “what am I supposed to do?”. I am always envious of the people who knew what to do. May I ask? What is your husband like? Do you feel trapped within the confines of your family? You sound like you want to get back out into the world, meet people, have experiences. What is stopping you from doing that?

                I can understand that, a lot of people in my real life don’t even know I blog. It’s none of their concern what I write, but I write what I feel, really feel inside.

                That’s fair enough, sometimes people just don’t click and that is fair, it might not be a great thing, but it’s just life. Is there a chance you can spend some time away from him for a while? I’m not talking about separation or anything like that, I mean physically. Go and see your sister for a few days or something? Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder.

                Do not feel guilty about focusing on yourself. You raised two teenage children and have a long lasting marriage with a rough over your head. You have done your job as far as life is concerned. You deserve to think about you now and while you might feel guilty and undeserving, push through it. The rewards will be worth it.

                There is always a point, never give up, please. Life is worth living, and your life is worth living. Hopelessness is a horrible thing to live with, but you have the power to change your life. I’m not talking about your kids and husband, I’m talking about you. Don’t let anyone or anything weigh you down, you need to get back on the saddle and move out of your comfort zone a little. I promise you, you won’t regret it.

                Will you do something? This week coming up, do something solely, 100% for you and only you. See a movie, have a coffee, go to yoga, go to the beach, buy something for yourself, whatever it is, I don’t care, but do it for you with no guilt and no shame. No matter how small it is. Take that first step towards your own personal happiness. You deserve it.

                Liked by 1 person

  6. Just keep working on that large tome. Maybe you’ll make a fortune when it’s published and then you can tell everyone to go to hell and run off with one (or both) of your fellas. Been walking yet? Keep writing, keep dreaming, and hugs to you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I cannot imagine anyone wanting to publish all of my crazy-depressed-person ramblings. But I would like to run off with my guys.

      I have not walked at all. Today, I actually accomplished something — a task I hate. I cleaned the bathroom. But because of my back pain (and other assorted pains), I am miserable now.

      Is it sad/bad/pathetic that I seem to be able to post more here only when I’m posting about how terrible I feel? I have nothing positive to contribute. Nothing creative. Just spreading my misery. Yes, I’m definitely afraid of scaring people away with my posts.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Ok. I’m this close to breaking out the rainbows and butterflies. Don’t you make me do it. Besides, dudes that resemble those two likely would’ve ended up shitting on you anyway…or be secretly gay. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe I need the rainbows and butterflies. Okay, not the butterflies — they freak me out. I don’t like flying things. Or bugs. Or whipped cream. But that’s a different topic.

      Seriously, though, I need *something*. A friend? A purpose? A new spine? (Back pain is killing me.) Ugh. I think maybe I’m just a miserable person and I’m destined to stay that way.

      I’m just going to live in my unrealistic fantasy that those guys are wonderful people who would worship the ground I walk on. Ha! Ridiculous, I know.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Gelinvibe says:

    I have spent 5 to 10 minutes reading your comments trying to grasp certain u said.

    Sandra! Sadness just hit me when you said” you don’t know what makes you happy. Earlier you said you are selfish, well, I disagree. You seek the interest of others, the happiness of others. That is a selfless act. Whether late twenties or early thirties, you can still make the friends you want. Offline or online. It’s never too late to do anything.
    live life to the fullness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish I was still in my late 20s or early 30s! Making friends offline, for me, would be like moving mountains… impossible. I just don’t have it in me. Even here… I make friends when someone comes to me. I have trouble initiating.

      I do wish I knew what makes me happy. I can’t even think of what made me happy when I was younger. Everything I think of is something that comes from another person, not from myself.

      Like

      • Gelinvibe says:

        Alright. That’s just your personality and it doesn’t make you weird in any way.You don’t have to change who you are.
        . Luckily for you, some of us you come across here have no problem initiating a conversation.
        JUST BE YOU

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Simon says:

    I made it to the end…. I can’t say about the rest but you have at least one friend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. M says:

    Your posts resonate tremendously with us because you are real and authentic. It is as simple as that. And yes, you ARE doing something right with her – you just have to try to believe it. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

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