hello.

Hi friends. Remember me? Forgive me for disappearing. It has been ten days since my last post… 

I’ve had a lot going on while at the same time I’ve not had enough going on. Explain that? I don’t think I can. The best I can do is to sum things up like this: I lack purpose. I’m not happy with huge parts of my life, but what I’m not happy with is impossible to change so I need to learn to be happy with how things are. And I need to find something to give me a reason to be. This is what I’ve been trying to do. It’s not working.

I’m supposed to be trying the journal thing I mentioned a little while ago. I don’t know why I can’t seem to remember to do it. I can’t seem to remember a lot of things.

Often, at night, I come up with things to do the next day. I even write them down. But somehow, the next day, I pass right by that list… I don’t even notice it’s there… right beside my bed. Or… I do notice it… and I read it… and I am completely uninterested in anything on it. Yet night comes and they all seem like great ideas again. What the hell?

Always on that list is writing. But that’s (obviously) not happening.

I’m dying for inspiration. Dying. Everything in my life just feels… blah. Nothing is inspiring. It’s just… mundane, boring crap… or upsetting, difficult crap. [And now that summer’s over, I don’t even have those summer escapes to Mom’s.]

What I really want (among other things) is to be excited about some sort of writing project. But it’s just not happening. I think it’s because my life feels empty and meaningless. So much so that I can’t find anything inside me at all.

Prompts rarely (never) work for me. [God, I hate that word… ‘prompt’. Why does it annoy me so?] I need something more. Then again, ‘more‘ may not help me either.

I just want something that I want to write so passionately that I can’t wait to find time to get to it. Something I want to be working on all the time. Why can’t I get excited about anything? God, I miss that.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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64 Responses to hello.

  1. Tom says:

    You seem to have been peeking into my mind, my spirit. Sometimes I just get tired. Tired of thinking, doing, planning. But also losing track of my own presence in the now of all things.

    But, mostly, I am reminded of a quote: “No matter what happens be gentle with yourself.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you understand. I am definitely tired… of everything. I’m kind of overwhelmed by nothingness… which I’m sure makes no sense.

      I have a lot of trouble being good to myself. I tend to blame myself for everything…

      Like

  2. When I get a severe case of “I don’t wanna” I chuck it all! Lol! Seriously, though. I just give myself permission to jump ship and do something totally different, or absolutely nothing at all. Meanwhile, I’m asking God to please inspire me to get back at it sooner rather than later. Eventually, being off ship, or living the sloth life, gets annoying and I can snap back at it. Sometimes it only lasts a day, sometimes longer. And that recurs way too often. But, avoidant escapism is the name of my temporary game. Lol Hope you figure out your blah source soon and may you discover your passionate topic quickly. I can’t wait to read what strikes your passionate heart next!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Severe boredom and doing nothing is kind of where I am right now — not by choice. Doing nothing makes me feel worse. But nothing motivates me so… the nothingness is all I have. This–not being able to write– has been going on for a long time. Like, at least a year. Nothing seems to help me. I fear that I’m just done… and will never be able to write again. I’m pretty sure I know what’s making me feel like this but I can’t fix it so I’m stuck…

      Like

      • Then I’d forget writing for now. Tell yourself you absolutely cannot write anything for your blog for a week, or what ever arbitrary time frame you want. Ground yourself from all thing blog related. If you’re like me, I’ll enjoy it, but will start itching to do that thing I think I should not do. Hold out as long as you can. I know the “job” mentality kills my creativity every time. I cannot force writing. It has to flow. It cannot flow from a forced job mentality to I have to ground myself to break that habit. Ok. I’m rambling, so I’ll stop. But, hopefully there’s something in there that helps.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t think that will work for me… mostly because I’ve tried. I’ve taken time off. In fact, this post is the first in well over a week. But I’ve separated myself from it before. I don’t seem to get that itch to get back to it. That’s why I tend to think that I’m just not going to be able to write anymore. It’s not that I feel like writing here is a job. I used to love it… it was the opposite of a job! But now, I’m just empty. I agree that it rarely works to force writing. But nothing it’s just flowing… and it hasn’t been for a very long time… 🙁

          Like

  3. Carol Anne says:

    It will come in time! Give it time! Your just going through a bit of a set back right now! It will happen! Have faith! xox

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Jeremy Vogan says:

    Your last sentence is the most profound thing I have heard you say 😊 keep searching! JV

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I want to find the same inspiration for writing! Something that I just have to write about. But I’ve also lost that sparkle right now. And I can’t see it coming back quickly. I’m making a big change this weekend and that’s going to kill what little motivation I have left to write

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m convinced it’s in there…somewhere. I remember when I first started following you. You posted stuff nearly daily. And it was good. Where’d it go? I have no idea. Inspiration is fickle. But I still believe you have it. You’re a good writer. That doesn’t just go away. Does it? 🤔

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Meg says:

    What if you just worked on rewriting some of your older material? Take a story and give it an alternate ending, something like that? Just to get your creativity flowing again. Then it wouldn’t be a massive undertaking, you’d have the bones of the story already written. You will get back in the zone, I’m sure of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I actually recently tried this, kind of. Mostly I just sat there and started at the words that were already there and nothing else came to me. I should try again. I really do believe that this is all because my life is empty. If there’s nothing inside me, how can I write anything? I don’t really have a life so I have nothing to draw from. My whole existence is kind of a joke.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        That’s not true. We create in order to make our world better. Pain and sadness have been the basis for so much of the world’s greatest art, literature and music. It’s how we cope. I truly believe that when you start writing again it will help you feel better. You just have to get over the hump. And maybe you’ll have to force yourself to write for a while, even if you hate what you write. It will break down the wall you’re up against right now. Your existence is not a joke. You’re smart, creative and talented. You’re just in a tough place. Don’t give up. You have it in you.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hunida says:

    Hi Sandra, it’s totally okay that you haven’t written in 10 days. We understand! I hope something exciting comes your way soon. ♡ Have you ever thought of adopting a kitten? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. alexraphael says:

    I get it. And I know others do too.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. mydangblog says:

    I hear you–I’ve been in a bit of a writing slump too. A friend suggested that we both use the same prompt and try to write something then share what we’ve done. I might take him up on it. Or I might watch Netflix…

    Liked by 1 person

    • I understand that. I was going to try writing last night but I watched a movie instead. I think because I knew I’d just get frustrated if I tried to write. I don’t know why I always have so much trouble with prompts. They never seem to inspire me… so they don’t help. I hate that!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Miriam says:

    Hey Sandra, I still think you should turn your early fiction series into an ebook. Honestly, I loved them and I think they’d be awesome revamped. Food for thought. ❤️🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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