emotional tagging.

I try to always tag my posts appropriately so they can be found easily by anyone looking for a specific topic. I assume that is how some people find this blog. I don’t think there is an ‘official‘ way to know (through WordPress, I mean) which tags bring the most visitors, but I’m sure they matter.

The thing is… one of my (unfortunately) frequent tags bothers me. I’m sure it shouldn’t, but it does. I don’t want to skip it, though, because maybe it brings people here… people who understand or who are looking for someone to understand them.

It makes me feel weak and embarrassed to tag my posts with ‘depression‘. [For some reason, using ‘anxiety’ bothers me less…] Every time I write a post where ‘depression‘ is an appropriate tag, I get sad and anxious about using it—so much that I agonize over whether to go through with it or not. I feel so pathetic using it. Maybe because it’s taking over my whole life.

Maybe the worst thing about this is that I am what I hate.

I have a problem with people who think that a person who has depression is weak or broken or lazy or pathetic. I don’t think that about anyone I know who has depression. But I think that about myself.

I’m sure this is yet another manifestation of the very word that haunts me—thinking all those terrible things about myself just for tagging with a single word.

So I guess I know why I feel this way only about myself. The question is how to fix that.

I guess how is always the question, isn’t it? You know, unless it’s something that comes with instructions. Like building IKEA furniture.

How To Give Myself a Fucking Break‘ Where do I find that?

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

51 Responses to emotional tagging.

  1. It’s kind of the definition of the term “trigger word.” We all have them.

    I can understand about what other people think of those with depression/anxiety. People have such a hard time looking outside of themselves. They don’t get that a person doesn’t want them to understand. Sometimes its impossible for them to understand. What they want is not to judge at least.
    Let someone work through their stuff rather than saying “hey why don’t you just stop being upset.”
    I know for me if I find someone writing about something I feel then I sympathize with them and feel a little bit of comfort knowing I’m not alone. Tagging the word might, maybe, give someone that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am glad to hear that it helps you in any small way to read about these feelings. I think it helps me, sometimes, to get it out, so that’s part of why I do it. But I feel this terrible guilt and patheticness (not a word) whenever I do. I hope it gives others a tiny bit of comfort, too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub says:

    I looked up ‘fucking break’ on Amazon, and one of the hits was ” Mountain House Rice and Chicken. Not sure if that helps, but there it is. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  3. pocketcanadian says:

    It’s how I feel about the word ‘survivor’, even though that’s what I am…and that’s what I did, and am continuing to do. (For me though it’s coz I think that my abuse wasn’t as bad as what others have experienced and then start getting shame that I should just get over it). Having who we are be a trigger is a unique brand of mindfuckery, to be sure…!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It really is. I think part of my issue is that I think I have depression because of things I’ve done in my life. I blame myself for being this way. So every time I’m reminded of it, which is pretty much all the time, I feel all sorts of bad things…

      Like

      • pocketcanadian says:

        Except…you would not choose this if you could help it. It is dark and hard and lonely. The lessons you’ve learned might be useful, of course, but the path is so so solitary. It’s not your fault, i truly believe it. For you and for me.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Thank you. You’re right — I would certainly not choose this. I have trouble even imagining a life where I feel happy. That is so sad to me. I just wish I could accept that I didn’t create all of this myself. I just can’t seem to shake that.

          Like

  4. J-Dub says:

    I do not even know how to tag anything or I would. I think I would any way.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Indeed where is that book WHERE IS IT!!!!! I didn’t know tags were a thing, and being depressed isn’t a weakness, look at what you’re doing with it I mean you just made me have a happy 2 minutes reading this. I dunno how to fix it, it sort of fixed itself for me

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t think depression actually ever goes away. I guess maybe you can eventually find a way to tamp it down most of the time. Keep trying to focus on the good, no matter how miniscule.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I still keep forgetting to write something good every day. But I have done it some days. I need to work it into my routine somehow. But so far, I don’t feel like it’s helping me at all. I guess that’s why I usually quit…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Meg says:

    Ooh, I get that… being uncomfortable with the tag. At the same time, anyone who truly understands the way it affects someone – whether it be themselves or someone close to them, it really is important to find like minded souls. Finding other people who share your experience is vital. Even if answers are not forthcoming, just knowing someone else feels the same (or similar) removes a sliver of that isolating feeling. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just find it so humiliating. I’m sure that’s because I blame myself for being this way… which I know is wrong. But that doesn’t stop me from doing it. I think I need to share here sometimes because I am truly isolated offline.

      (Also, sorry I have not kept up with blogs lately. I saved all my notifications because I want to read your current ongoing story. I just suck right now.)

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Marquessa says:

    Your posts (and tagging) helps others feeling the same way. We are our own worst critics…And unfortunately, I don’t think that depression ever goes away. I think we can learn coping mechanisms but we need to always be vigilant about putting self care at the top of our list.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am not good at taking care of myself. Sometimes, I feel selfish doing nice things for myself… even normal-ish things that most people probably do. Because I blame myself for being this way, I don’t think I deserve anything… except all the bad things that happen. I deserve those.

      I wish there was a powerful, effective class I could take (and could afford to take) that could teach me how to live with depression. I managed to learn calculus once upon a time. Why can’t I learn this?

      Oh… lately my only coping mechanism has been sleep. It’s really bad… just sleeping away the hours so I don’t have to actually ‘live’…

      Like

  9. Hunida says:

    I don’t think you should feel bad at all. A lot of people who need to will find their way here through that tag. ❤ Others should know they're not alone & you're helping!

    Liked by 1 person

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