how my sunday went.

Sunday morning I woke up early. No one was awake yet. I didn’t get out of bed, though. I just stayed there. Staring at the ceiling. I started to feel anxious… and a little sick. I tried to close my eyes again… go back to sleep. I was still tired but it didn’t work. I was just… awake.

I tried to fight it, but my mind started collecting worries. Big ones. Little ones. Medium-sized ones. Valid ones. Stupid ones. But all… overwhelming ones. Even the ones that ‘normal‘ people wouldn’t even consider ‘worries‘.

I need to start with a small worry and try to ‘fix‘ it so I can stop worrying about it. Then tackle another one. And even though I know I can’t fix a lot of them, I might be able to fix some of the stupid little ones. But they have me so ridiculously stressed out.

So there I was this morning… no one else awake… lying there crying. Not just a few tears falling. No. This was a full flood of tears. The worse it got… the worse it got. More tears, more worries… and more worries, more tears.

I tried to stop thinking. Like, completely. I couldn’t clear my head at all so I started playing Candy Crush. Seriously. I know it sounds so stupid. But it’s mindless while not mindless. But it only worked for a few minutes. I couldn’t forget shit. I put the phone down.

And then it hit me.

I am never going to have a happy life.

It doesn’t matter what I do. It doesn’t even matter if I ‘fix‘ any of my worries… because there will always be more. It’s just how my brain works. I worry. I worry about things that have already happened that I can do nothing about. I worry about what’s happening right now. I worry about the future… not just tomorrow or next week… but years from now. My mind is constantly creating worst case scenarios. Constantly. Sometimes, they’re totally far-fetched. But they plague me.

I managed to hide all of this from my family. I made breakfast. I wrote the grocery shopping list. I got my son to work on his summer reading project that he still hasn’t finished. I took my daughter out to buy glitter. Got coffee… went for a little drive.

Later, at home, I got bored. That anxious, sad, hopeless boredom. Thoughts started to spiral again. I went to my room to work on decluttering a messy dresser drawer I’ve been wanting to ‘fix‘. But I wanted to put some of the stuff somewhere else. So I had to reorganize that first. But to do that, I needed to reorganize something else. It became this overwhelming chain of organize and reorganize, and I never found the starting point. Brain overload. I was completely overwhelmed and I started crying again.

The thing is… this is a typical day for me. Not the summer reading and the glitter. But the rest… it happens a lot. More than I care to admit… even though I’m admitting it right now. I don’t know that there is an answer… a solution. I don’t think there is. I’ve tried all the things that I (and others) have thought of. Sometimes, something works temporarily. Very temporarily. But I always end up back here.

It scares me. Some days I don’t know how I’m going to make it. But I can’t let it break me because I have to be here for my kids.

But it fucking scares me.

divider dots.

A note because I just made this connection (duh):
I think my little epiphany [that I am never going to have a happy life] is one of the reasons I’ve been so iffy about blogging lately. How entertaining… how enjoyable can reading my blog be to you if this is what I’m all about? Am I really helping anyone? Maybe there are people out there who feel a connection to some of my posts… but am I helping? Fuck knows I don’t have any answers. I don’t even think there are any. But… I’m supposed to be blogging for me… right?

Another note because this has happened quite a few times (and I’m fucking sick of it):
(1) If you are going to respond to this post to tell me that if I find Jesus everything will work out just fine… that if I let God in, he will take care of me… please just don’t. Just. Don’t.
(2) If you are going to respond to tell me that I need medication or need to have medication changed or that medication is not working, please just don’t. Guess what? Medication can only do so much. I’ve tried it all. No exaggeration. So unless such matters are your profession and I am your patient… just don’t.
Thank you.

(above image: source unknown)

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to how my sunday went.

  1. Stardust says:

    *hugs* I am going through much of the same. We need to learn how to be happy with what we have where we are and play the cards were dealt. Next time I’m crying wondering why I am the way I am remind me of that would ya? Lol take care

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right in that we need to make the most of how things truly are instead of always obsessing over what we don’t have… and what’s bad. Because as much as I want to punch people who say “find something good”, there really is always something good… even if it feels like it’s tiny.

      Like

  2. I wasn’t gonna suggest either of those things. I was just gonna come with hugs. 😔

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Meg says:

    Not gonna ‘like’ this post. Nope. I’ll send you my hugs too, no strings attached. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “Blog for yourself” is a hard thing to accept because its always nice to have a little feedback. I feel that way anyways. To know someone else actually read what you wrote and didn’t just hit “like” and move along.

    I can see how what you write could help people. Your thoughts sound a lot like my wife’s. She’s told me very similar things in the past where she has anxiety issues. The idea other people are out there trying to manage themselves in similar situations could be comforting in a way.
    As well if it helps you then I hope you have the urge to keep writing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. J-Dub says:

    My opinion is that you are helping. Thanks for being willing to share your feelings here.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hunida says:

    Wow. I’m baffled that people even leave those kinds of stupid comments enough for you to need to write the note at the end! How rude and incredibly annoying.

    Sending you all the hugs and love I’ve got. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ogden Fahey says:

    Have you ever tried meditation, or yoga or something like that? Or drawing and painting, that can be good for a while, or just reading a good book can be a great distraction! I cant say how long its been since I really fell in love with a book, but I miss that kind of experience. The modern world can be so unrewarding, I think we all need to wake up to that and do something about it. I saw a couple out litter picking the other day, I got to hand it to people like that – better to curse the darkness than light a candle, or whatever the saying is! 🙂 XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t know what the saying is… 🙂

      My mom always recommends yoga. I think it might be good for me but I’d be on my own since I don’t have the money to go to yoga classes. I guess youtube is fine but I wouldn’t have an instructor to make sure I’m doing it right so as to not injure myself. But I need to try it anyway. For some reason, I’ve never been able to meditate. Too much anxiety maybe? I’ve been uninspired for anything creative lately… which I hate. (And I’m a terrible painter.) Maybe a book… but lately, when I start one, it doesn’t grab me enough for me to want to continue reading…

      I don’t know… I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be difficult!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. This sums up a lot of what I have been dealing with lately. I totally get this. It sucks. Life sucks (no really it does) – (until it doesn’t). Im too scared to write how I really feel, because its not good. Anyways, thanks for posting this, its nice to be reminded im not alone in this.

    Liked by 1 person

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