went away again.

As I mentioned, I have been taking every opportunity to get the hell out of town… to escape my ‘life‘ even though much of it comes with me.

I was gone again for a couple of days. [I scheduled that ‘marry him‘ post a few days ago.] I went back to Mom’s. Got home last night after, again, spending money I don’t have and eating yummy things I shouldn’t eat. Oh well. Whatever. I care less about that every time. Not good… but true. Probably should have stayed another day… it was 97°F at the warmest part of the day today. And the humidity is just… gross. The best place to be is underwater.

I’m trying to catch up on all the blog posts I’ve missed over the last few days… and the days before that… and the ones before that. I still have notifications I’m trying to get back to from as far back as July 17th. That was three weeks ago. I’m never going to catch up. I have 102 unread emails at the moment. I think it’s time for me to come to grips with the fact that I’m not going to be able to read all those posts I’ve missed since July 17th no matter how much I wanted to.

I’m sorry.

But I’m not sorry for going away. I needed it. I still need it. And I’m sure I’m going to need it after school starts again but I won’t be able to do it. So… I want to do it as much as possible now… while I can.

There’s really no question at this point that being separated from this house, this town, this husband has been good for me. I wish there was a way to make those separations permanent… with the possible exception of the last one. Possibly. Not sure on that one.

But I need to learn how to make things good for me as they are… as they have to be. This house, this town, this husband. I have a few ideas, but they are all very difficult to bring to life. I don’t have much confidence in myself. I’m not sure I can do it. And I know I need help. I will need help. Someone to hold my hand. But I don’t have that.

divider dots.

I’ve been posting bits and pieces about what’s been going on with me when I can… but I haven’t addressed the ongoing issues. That is by design. I haven’t wanted to talk about them… the depression, the anxiety, the back pain. I think I fell into a space where talking about them made everything worse… and shutting the fuck up was actually better.

However… I feel more alone. So I’m torn. I think I have abandonment issues. Among other issues.

I do intend to post an update on the back pain situation. It’s not like that’s ever really out of my mind. It can’t be. Stay tuned for that exciting upcoming post.

divider dots.

So… this is just another rambling post… with no real point… or aim… or goal. But there you have it.


©2018 what sandra thinks


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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23 Responses to went away again.

  1. gigglingfattie says:

    It’s good that you are taking time away to feel happy! I’ve done that too, and then feel the overwhelming guilt for not being able to catch up on blog things. The best thing I’ve found was just to delete all the emails. It’s ok! You don’t need to read every post all the time! I can’t offer any advice for the rest of it, other than I hope that it turns out ok and that your plans work out for you. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you got to get away for a bit, but I hate that you have to get away to feel better. I have to admit, you piqued my interest with your comments about plans to make things better. I’m curious what you’re thinking. I still hate that all the stuff you tried for your back didn’t help. I was so, so hopeful that it would. Anyway, I’m always happy to see you posting, and whether it’s a ramble or “pointless”, as you say, I still enjoy hearing from you. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rambling posts are good every once in a while to get the loose pieces out of your mind 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg says:

    Glad you got away for another break. But sorry to hear how hard it is to come home… However, I think the fact that you are planning and thinking about making some decisions is a good thing. Even if they are hard decisions and possibly difficult to endure, if the end makes things/life better for you, then totally worth it. Sending love ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks ♥ I am trying. Honestly, it’s hard to come up with things to do that could help me. Mostly, everything seems too hard… and I don’t have much courage. I don’t really have any grand plans. Just a few ideas. But even small things seem difficult. I’m sure I won’t do anything drastic. I don’t even want to. I just need to try a few small things because I don’t want to feel this way forever. Not even sure anything will work.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Chelly says:

    One thing I like about this site is…being able to relate to people you don’t even know. I understand whole-heartedly what you’re feeling. Your post didn’t sound like you were rambling to me at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks… I’m glad. I’ve just been having trouble writing and posting much lately. I feel like when I do, it’s just about my boring life!


      • Chelly says:

        Always remember this…people may get tired of reading certain posts, but there are others who need to see your posts because it could give them the will to keep pushing because it shows they are not alone about what they’re feeling. Prime example, I just wrote a post titled, I Wanna Jet, then I read your post and just got finished commenting on another one. They are all pretty much saying the same thing. Life can be so challenging and sometimes we need more people like us who don’t mind sharing those stuggles. Sorry for the long post…lol

        Liked by 1 person

        • I don’t mind long comments at all! And I want to thank you for saying this because I like knowing that there is some value to what I post even if it feels pointless to me. So.. thank you again. It means a lot to me. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

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