As I mentioned, I have been taking every opportunity to get the hell out of town… to escape my ‘life‘ even though much of it comes with me.
I was gone again for a couple of days. [I scheduled that ‘marry him‘ post a few days ago.] I went back to Mom’s. Got home last night after, again, spending money I don’t have and eating yummy things I shouldn’t eat. Oh well. Whatever. I care less about that every time. Not good… but true. Probably should have stayed another day… it was 97°F at the warmest part of the day today. And the humidity is just… gross. The best place to be is underwater.
I’m trying to catch up on all the blog posts I’ve missed over the last few days… and the days before that… and the ones before that. I still have notifications I’m trying to get back to from as far back as July 17th. That was three weeks ago. I’m never going to catch up. I have 102 unread emails at the moment. I think it’s time for me to come to grips with the fact that I’m not going to be able to read all those posts I’ve missed since July 17th no matter how much I wanted to.
But I’m not sorry for going away. I needed it. I still need it. And I’m sure I’m going to need it after school starts again but I won’t be able to do it. So… I want to do it as much as possible now… while I can.
There’s really no question at this point that being separated from this house, this town, this husband has been good for me. I wish there was a way to make those separations permanent… with the possible exception of the last one. Possibly. Not sure on that one.
But I need to learn how to make things good for me as they are… as they have to be. This house, this town, this husband. I have a few ideas, but they are all very difficult to bring to life. I don’t have much confidence in myself. I’m not sure I can do it. And I know I need help. I will need help. Someone to hold my hand. But I don’t have that.
I’ve been posting bits and pieces about what’s been going on with me when I can… but I haven’t addressed the ongoing issues. That is by design. I haven’t wanted to talk about them… the depression, the anxiety, the back pain. I think I fell into a space where talking about them made everything worse… and shutting the fuck up was actually better.
However… I feel more alone. So I’m torn. I think I have abandonment issues. Among other issues.
I do intend to post an update on the back pain situation. It’s not like that’s ever really out of my mind. It can’t be. Stay tuned for that exciting upcoming post.
So… this is just another rambling post… with no real point… or aim… or goal. But there you have it.
©2018 what sandra thinks