hold my hand.

cat music

Hey friends.

I’m still alive. I just have some [stressful, upsetting] stuff  on my mind [that seems worse than usual but maybe I’m just at the end of my rope] making it difficult to write or do much of anything that involves thinking… mostly because I’m trying to think as little as possible. That’s not working, of course, as it’s impossible not to think. Just in case you were wondering.

archer.

I have zero ability to make decisions. Every one I’ve ever made in my life seems to have been wrong so I think my mind is telling me to just stop making decisions altogether. That’s not working either, of course, because I have to make decisions all the time. It’s really the bigger ones that trouble me. And remembering my past… well, I’m afraid my decisions will be wrong. Again.

fate.

I’m putting off a phone call because I’m not sure if I should make it or not. Again… decisions.

I’m putting off another phone call that’s not such a big deal, but I hate the phone so even that is difficult. I don’t know how to ‘just do‘ things. I need someone to hold my hand… even though I’m a grown woman. It’s so stupid. Just pathetic.

I’ve tried to ‘fix‘ my boredom-that-makes-me-hopeless feeling. Some days I succeed… kind of. But it’s still a problem… especially in the morning. It’s hard because while I can think of things to do, none of them appeal to me. Nothing excites me anymore. Reading, writing, blogging, organizing, arty stuff. I haven’t been going for walks because the air is soup. Or it’s too hot for it to be remotely pleasant.

But aside from all of this… I guess I’m okay. I’m carrying on…

dr house.

I haven’t really been around since last Wednesday. Not sure if anyone noticed, but I can understand if not—there have been huge gaps between my moments of presence here for a while now. I left town (ran away?) Thursday and Friday (more on that later… with pictures), but even when I got back, I just couldn’t be here. I did try to respond to comments, but I barely checked my email. I have over seventy email post notifications sitting in my inbox. Needless to say, I will not be reading all of those posts. I’m sorry.

I do hate my boredom but see above… blogging (writing or reading) hasn’t helped. For the first time since I started blogging nearly three years ago, I feel blah about it. But then, of course, I feel blah about everything lately.

However, if I’m not here posting or reading or both, I’m completely out of touch with you, my friends. It’s total isolation. That’s not my goal… but it is my end result anyway.

I will be painfully honest, as I always am… Part of my disappearance is that jealousy and inadequacy I often feel when I’m here. All I have posted for well over a month now are either silly pointless things [turkey] or posts like this one… droning on about my life and my emotions. Blah. Everyone else continues to post… lots and lots of things… some of you many times a day (and I can’t keep up). And then you get comments and you talk and laugh and have fun. I miss that. But I just don’t feel like I can join in. I guess I need someone to hold my hand.

I kind of feel dead inside. That expression always makes me laugh, but at the moment, it totally fits how I feel. Empty. Blah.

Why can’t I be more like Ice Bear? Just grab a hammer and smash the fuck out of anything that’s not working?

ice bear.

I’m trying to get myself excited about something. Anything. I need to have a giant flash of inspiration… the kind that makes me need to write immediately. But that’s not something I can force. It has to just happen. And it hasn’t. For, like, nearly a year. A fucking year. I think that inspiration has left me forever. But if I had it… if only I had it… I truly believe the boredom would subside… because I’d be so excited to write that I’d be doing it during every spare moment.

But I write about love. And maybe it’s become too difficult to write about love when I don’t have any (of the romantic man+woman kind) in my life. I need someone to hold my hand.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

Advertisements

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in blogging, life, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

71 Responses to hold my hand.

  1. Tony Burgess says:

    Grace and peace to you my friend. Whatever you are going through keep on going because you will come out on the other side. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bill Charlson says:

    I absolutely loved this post! You should talk about your inspiration issues more. I feel uninspired at times when I have real work to do to improve my housing and job situation, and often feel like I would rather just exist and follow vain pursuits. Some of them are goals which I cant make out if they are in vanity yet, but based on experience, it is, so it’s not always clear, but I have responsibilities to prioritize nevertheless. Their is hope for you, just ask yourself where hope is found. I know my inspiration and hope is based on a loving God.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am not a religious person at all. I’m honestly not sure where to find hope. It’s very difficult when everything seems to go wrong. As for inspiration, I feel that it has to just happen. That’s hard because you could be waiting forever!

      Like

  3. I understand. Just be you and let inspiration comes as it comes.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Olga says:

    Hope you find your way. No advice because you need to be your own advocate. Maybe, some advice. Get in touch with your inner child and play. Blowing bubbles or anything that made you happy once upon a time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg says:

    I haven’t been feeling very inspired myself lately. I’ve lost momentum on everything I’ve been working on. I might have to turn this into a drawing blog for a while to get my head back. And that’s not even helping. I wonder if blogging has a life expectancy… My purpose for blogging hasn’t really manifested itself, you know? Anyway, I hope you stay in touch. I’m not posting all that much myself these days. And the stuff I am posting is not all that inspired.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wonder about blogging, too… if it’s a temporary thing. Well, technically, I guess everything is temporary. I don’t want to leave but sometimes I wonder if I should.

      Other than fantasies about someone ‘discovering’ me and changing my life, I don’t know what my purpose was for blogging. Interestingly, it wasn’t for the social aspect. I didn’t even know that existed when I started.

      I hope we both find inspiration soon. We need it!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        Right, I had no idea about the social aspect either. I expected it to be more like a website with traffic but not a lot of interaction. Not that I mind! But it hasn’t translated into a good publicity machine for my books. And I had that fantasy about being ‘discovered’ too. Still, everyone in the ‘business’ says you need to have a blog/website/social media presence if you’re a writer. So I keep going…..

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry to hear that your emotions aren’t at the very best lately, but I’m sure you will get it all figured out and find that peaceful moment within you. Like other bloggers have commented, maybe you should find something to let your mind rest a little, maybe try meditation, yoga, try out some new sports, go on a hike, bake… sometimes, we just need to find that inner happiness 🙂 Wish you the best!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Much love and peace to you! May the muse find its way back to you when you are ready.
    Mona

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Miriam says:

    My hand’s here for you Sandra, at least virtually, if you want to hold it. For what it’s worth I’ve been lack lustre lately too and trying to blog myself out of it. Some times it works and other times it doesn’t. Try not to force it, just let it be and maybe one of these days that inspiration will come back to you. Big hugs and peace to you my friend. xo 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve noticed. I sure do miss you being around, and I doubt I’m alone. I thought about emailing you but I didn’t want to bug you. I sure hope and wish that mojo would suddenly appear. Hugs, my dear. I hope you’re back soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You can email me anytime… you’re never bugging me. I’m touched that you even thought of me. When I realized how long I’d been away from here, I couldn’t help wondering if people noticed. That’s probably really self-centered…but I didn’t hear from anyone. People have their own lives and issues though. So it’s not a big deal.

      Anyway… I’m just having back pain issues… and all the other stuff you already know about. And the lack of inspiration for writing… and lack of excitement for anything. I just wish something would inspire me… excite me…

      Thanks for everything… being such a good friend… the hugs… ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course! I will email you, now that I know I’m not pestering you. I do miss you being around. Wish you were more often. But I get it. When in pain, everything else seems insignificant. I really wish those treatments would’ve helped. I swear I thought they would. 😔

        Liked by 1 person

        • Despite my difficulty thinking positively, I thought something was going to work, too. I really did. Every time another thing didn’t work, I felt worse… more and more hopeless.

          I go to bed at night feeling okay… reading a little… falling asleep. Then I wake up in the morning and get out of bed… and it’s just… pain. It’s so disheartening. It reminds me that I’m going to have this pain forever… and I think of all the things I can’t do… and I have to fight tears. Sometimes, I just cry in the shower so no one sees… no one knows.

          I miss being around, too. I just feel like I’m not fun or interesting… and I feel like a downer. Who wants that person around, you know?

          Liked by 1 person

  10. Sandra …. do you know how many of us feel the same? All the time? OK …. I can only vouch for one for absolute certain …. but I’m fairly sure that there’s a lot more.
    And as for posting stuff …. jeeez …. I go for days without posting anything and then when I do I frequently think – Why did I post that rubbish?

    I’ll grant you though, that some people seem to be able to write a small novel everyday …. and much of it very good.

    Not me though. And maybe not you either.

    The other thing I notice is that when I am feeling shitty I assume (with great conviction) that the feeling will go on for ever (and it does go on for a hell of a long time) but when it finishes I think …. ‘gee, that wasn’t so bad. I can handle that ….’

    Now …. none of this is any help. I know. But I have learned that you don’t always have to help. Sometimes you just need to share a space with someone. Just for a moment. Sometimes you have to hold someone’s hand. Just for a moment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Everything you’ve said here is true. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I think when I see those who write so much every day, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me because I can’t. Every day… four or five posts. I think it’s too much anyway… I know I don’t have time to read them all.
      I guess I just wish I could post one a day. Or every other day. I don’t even know why it bothers me so much!

      It seems that I’ve been feeling terrible for a very long time… and it hasn’t finished. It has to finish eventually, doesn’t it? I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because it seems that things continue to go wrong. I think there’s some overlap… when one thing gets better, something else gets worse… so I never get a chance to feel like the crappy feeling is over.
      Apparently, no matter how awful I feel, I must be able to handle it because I’m still here. I’m just not happy.
      That was verbose… I hope it made sense.

      Honestly, when people try to help, I often feel worse… because I am unable to do what they suggest so I feel like an even bigger failure. It’s often hard for people to understand that I’m not necessarily looking for help. I do appreciate that they want to do something for me, but like you said, what I really need is someone to hold my hand, tell me it will all be okay (even if it’s a lie), make me feel loved. I’m glad you understand that. Thank you for every word you wrote.

      (By the way, I think you write wonderfully… even this comment.)

      Like

      • Well ….. here’s another thing that may, or may not, ring true with you.

        I have spoken to a lot of people who are going through these difficult things (at various levels) and what they generally express is an overriding desire to ‘get better’ …. words to the effect of, “I’m in this terrible funk – a black hole, and, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t get out of it. I just want my old life back. I want to be me again.” Now, whilst I can understand this it is not actually the way I feel under similar circumstances. I don’t want to get out of it. I want to stay right there. Part of that is to soak up the weird pleasure of wallowing in my own self-pity, I suppose, but a far more powerful thought is that I am in the place where I should be. I belong there. Because, at the time, I am convinced that life really is a shitty experience (which means all experience is shitty, because there is no experience outside of life) and what I am seeing and going through is the truth. Everything else – the way I felt before, in other words, is an illusion. So to ‘get my old life back’ would be to return to fantasy land – and that seems a bit cowardly and pointless.

        So when I am depressed I actually do very little to change things. Because things are exactly how they should be (or how they REALLY are, to be more accurate).

        What’s more, I don’t single myself out in this regard. I don’t think that I’m the only one who has a shitty life. I think everyone’s life is shitty. It’s just that other people don’t realise it. I am convinced that anyone who is not depressed a good deal of the time is probably not paying enough attention.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I love your philosophy. (Is that what I should call it? I’m not sure…) I think what happens to me is that I can get to feeling so lonely and hopeless that I’m not sure I can handle it anymore… so I want to get out of it.

          Sure, I’d love things to go well for me, but it’s really that feeling… the desperately hopeless one… that I want to get rid of. It feels as though I have no control over that feeling. It simply appears and holds me hostage for a few hours every day. Maybe I should be grateful it’s not the whole day. It has been at times, though.

          Oh, and I have often thought that happy people are living in a fantasy world… that they’re not paying attention to (or acknowledging) reality. Whereas those of us who feel misery and pain — that’s because we live in reality.

          I guess at times, I want to escape it. Stupid reality.

          Like

      • And I have to argue, at the risk of offending some, that turning to God at such times is really putting one’s head in the sand (or into an even darker place) …. still …. it works for some, I suppose, and one illusion is as good as another.

        So, at the end of all this navel gazing I come to the conclusion that everything is meaningless and rotten. But hey …. it’s all we’ve got.
        So even though nothing has any meaning my view is that you have to find something in life that you would LIKE TO HAVE MEANING. And then pretend that it really does.

        And whilst I hold out my hand to you in a magnanimous gesture of comfort I must also acknowledge that I feel the warmth of your fingers in mine too. And so the comfort is shared.

        As someone else said, you are free to comment on anything and be part of a conversation …. maybe even have a laugh or two. And remember …. when you acknowledge that nothing has any meaning then you can say whatever you like …. it doesn’t matter at all.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I feel exactly the same about turning to God. I don’t understand it. Believing in something/someone who has a master plan is supposed to make me feel better? Even if I believed such a thing, where would that get me? I’d still be living the same life with the same circumstances. Maybe I’m too damn logical to believe any of that. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier if I were less intelligent. Not that I’m implying that happy people are idiots… (although certainly some of them are…)

          What would I ‘like to have meaning’? I’m not sure. Silly things, maybe. I’m too much of a romantic dreamer. I can only think of things I don’t have… so it’s hard to pretend those things have meaning… since they’re not real. This is probably not what you meant…

          I’ve got a self-confidence issue (that issue being that I have none) that stops me from joining conversations… inserting myself into the ‘fun’. I feel like an intruder… like I don’t belong. Maybe I’m waiting for an invitation that’s never coming. But that wouldn’t have any meaning anyway, right? What I know is that I worry way too much about saying the wrong thing, the dumb thing, the embarrassing thing. I suppose those worries are silly.

          You have a lovely way with words. It feels good to know that I have offered you the same comfort you’ve offered me. So thank you for that… for saying that. And for everything else. I’m so glad you responded to this post.

          Like

          • You are more than welcome to barge into any of my conversations. I barged into yours after all.

            As a romantic perhaps you could pretend that love had a meaning. Perhaps you could pretend that kindness had a value. Perhaps you could pretend that the magical feeling that you unexpectedly had in the presence of another person, the tingle that you get when you brush against their skin, the wisp of their breath on the back of your neck …… perhaps you could pretend that those things really were magical. I’ve tried it a couple of times …. and I almost started to believe it!!!

            Now, I know that you will claim that there is no one for you to play that silly pretending game with. But I don’t believe that. And neither do you. Because you’ve played it before. But while you’re waiting you can look around at all the other people playing the game. Don’t be envious … just enjoy their silliness. Play along with it. Don’t let them know that you know it’s a game.

            And then someone silly will come along and ask you to play.

            Silliness is highly infectious.

            And being silly is so much easier than trying to convince yourself of the existence of a loving God (and, somehow, not as silly) …. you really need to be sedated to get that one past the internal censors.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Oh, you didn’t really barge in. I invited you by posting this in the first place.

              I’ve become kind of good at pretending love has meaning. Although, I admit, that makes me feel like something huge is missing from my life. But I do pretend.

              I imagine all of those lovely, perfect things you wrote… and so much more. I’ve written those things… I’ve placed myself into the story. And it can be a wonderful feeling.

              But there is no suitable substitute for human touch. That’s what I crave. It does make me envy other people. I wish it didn’t because feeling that way only brings me more pain.

              I’d love to see it all as a silly game. I’d love to play that game again. I’m a bit stuck in a situation where I’m pretty sure no one is going to play with me. It’s lonely. Maybe I lost the game?

              Like

              • No. There’s no losers in this game. But it is, after all, a contact sport, so sometimes you find yourself on the sidelines nursing an injury or two for a while.
                Keep fit and stay warm. The coach will be calling your name sooner or later and you need to be ready.

                Liked by 1 person

                • I need the contact… I’m a bit desperate for it. Sitting here on the bench isn’t working for me. I’m waiting… just impatiently, I guess.

                  Like

                  • I suppose no one really wants to be on the bench. But it is often the bench players, having watched the flow of play, having understood the nature of things, and having a clear understanding of the game plan, that can make such an impressive impact.
                    If you weren’t impatient you would not be ready.
                    Keep warm, as I say.

                    Like

          • Oh …. and a word about self-confidence …. no-one has much of it. Trust me on this one. Some people try to convince you that they do (and these people usually have even less of it than average) but every human is plagued by self doubt.

            But when you tell someone that you are no good at this or that and they reply “What? Don’t be stupid! You are great at that!” they almost always mean it. And you have heard it a lot.

            So continue to be under confident. It is so much better than the opposite. But just occasionally allow yourself to think that maybe, just maybe, that is the way you think …. and not the way you are.

            Liked by 1 person

            • At the risk of doing what I always worry about doing (sounding stupid or just plain weird), I’m going to say this…

              I love this comment. It makes me feel less pathetic than usual. (Although that sentence sounds pathetic…)

              I do agree that over confident is much worse than under. That is, I find, painful to be around. Unless I’m allowed to punch that over confident person in the face. That would ease my pain.

              “… the way you think … and not the way you are.”

              Thank you for those words. They give me… something… Hope, maybe? It’s hard to know for sure, but they make me feel good… along with pretty much everything else you’ve said. I’m touched that you’ve taken the time to “talk” to me. It has made me feel less alone. I think that means we should do it more often.

              Like

  11. Hunida says:

    I just wanna let you know you can always join in on the fun in the comments!!! You are always welcome to laugh & have fun, too. That’s why we’re all here!

    You should also know that you have the best posts, Sandra. I love the silly ones and the graphics, gifs, and when you choose to italicize. You organize your posts the best I’ve ever seen. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ogden Fahey says:

    Everything gona be just fine – just need to stick it out, shake it up, stuff like that, ya know its gonna be ok! Feel like I’m writing a song, always feel kinda good about bedtime, cos I’m a dreamer babe, that’ll be why! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I noticed and missed you and tried not to act like a mom and worry about you. Wish I could help…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, my mom is wonderful and I will take as many moms as I can get. 🙂 I have started to try some yoga from youtube… but I have to start slow. Not sure it will help because all of the physical therapy stretches I still do daily haven’t made a difference…

      Your new avatar picture is lovely!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, I will always be here for you! My back has been annoying AF lately. Been trying lots of hot soaks that help some. But as soon as I try exercising it starts bothering me again. Frustrating as I know you understand. Glad u like my new pix. Going to have them add some whiter highlights next time!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Some days I wake up with less back pain than other days… but I can’t tie that to anything I’m doing or not doing. It’s totally random. That makes it hard to know if anything I’m doing is helping or not. I’ve found that over the summer, I’ve been frustrated that it hurts too much to do certain things with the kids. But that bothers me a lot so I just do it anyway, whatever it is. And I pay for it later… but I don’t want to shortchange the kids…

          Liked by 1 person

  14. Maybe you should try writing about something else. I ran into that problem over the past few years and while I still kind of write about the same kind of things, I changed it up. Maybe try crime, something psychological, or historical. Something that requires some research. Might not work out, but it’ll give you something to do.

    You can write boyband satire or something. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: went away again. | what sandra thinks

  16. I just posted something like this! How crazy!? But you inspired me to write something about music. And here you are struggling yourself. Or, this might have been way back when because I’m so behind. But, you wrote something and that’s what matters. I’ve missed you Shnookums!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve missed you, too! ♥ Yeah, I haven’t been doing well. I really do need someone constantly holding my hand telling me everything’s going to be alright. I’m never going to have that… but I need it. I think I’m going to need it more starting tomorrow… when the kids go back to school and I’m alone a lot more…

      Like

thoughts? talk to me.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.