uncertain.

I’ve seen a lot of talk lately about blogging breaks. Maybe it’s the time of year… maybe it’s just coincidence. I don’t know… and it doesn’t matter. But I do have a point, I promise.

I have been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. In relation to blogging, I mean. In relation to everything else… well, that will always be a mystery… that not even professionals can explain.

Anyway…
I started to sort through my blogging issue through a few comments I wrote on other blogs. [I’m sorry if you happened across those comments and find this post a bit repetitious…]

Okay. Here we go.

I haven’t been around much. You may have noticed. Or not. I didn’t plan to take a break. It just kind of happened. But… it didn’t really happen… because I haven’t really been on a break. [I feel like I’m having a Rachel-Ross argument with myself over whether or not I was on a break.] I didn’t consciously decide to stop posting and I haven’t completely disappeared. I’m still lurking about. I just have nothing to say because I am the most boring person on earth. And possibly the most unpleasant.

I’m having a lot of trouble writing (it’s been fucking months… miserable), and when I do, I hate what I write. I hate the very words I’m typing right now. When I come to read everyone else’s blogs, I feel like a failure because everyone else can write but I can’t. It upsets me far more than it should. It’s painful and I often cry. But I don’t want to abandon my friends. And I don’t want to be alone. If I’m not around here with you guys, I’m sad… and lonely. It’s painful and I often cry. So being here is hurting me. And not being here is hurting me.

I don’t know where to be… or what to do.

I have unintentionally arrived at a place where I’m posting less… and being around less in general. Maybe that’s my new ‘routine’… but again, it feels both better and worse.

When the painful boredom strikes, I want to be here more. But it’s not working because when I am here, I feel inept… inadequate… incompetent. But when I’m not here, I feel alone… lonely… useless. Nowhere is the right place for me.

No… I take that back. There is a right place for me. It’s just not real. It’s a place of escape… a place where I can ignore my whole life and pretend I’m someone else.

The closest I’ve come to that place recently was a visit with my kids to my mom’s for a couple of days. I pretended my life wasn’t a total disaster. I pretended I was on vacation (as if I could afford one… what a joke). I spent money I don’t have. I ate carbs I don’t need. And this is horrible, I know, but my husband wasn’t with us and I pretended he didn’t exist.

I wasn’t bored… I was living, however briefly, in circumstances different from my usual reality. Because, I guess, I wasn’t living in reality. There was a lot of pretending… a lot of ignoring… a lot of denial.

So… in conclusion, I don’t know anything… I only feel good in my imagination… and I don’t know where to go from here.

 

©2018 what sandra thinks

         

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, blogging, depression, writing and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

55 Responses to uncertain.

  1. Don’t feel bad, if it weren’t for the challenges I take part in, I’d rarely ever post….and I write for shit. Try to find a writing challenge or two, take part, and you’ll kill two birds with one stone. Maybe? 🤔

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Blogging breaks can be good. I am about to go on one for two weeks. It will give me a chance to recharge and even write a few posts that I can have ready for when I get back.
    Think about it. It can’t hurt. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You don’t give yourself enough credit hun x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bill says:

    When I kind of lose it, be it from frustration or anger (or other emotion), if I can write something down thoughtlessly and quickly (sort of literary puking) the outcome is interesting a lot of ways. While I clean up the mess, I feel that I get my most honest (if not my best) stuff on the page. I usually like it, others like it, and those who know me personally say it sounds most like me. I never suggest or agree with not writing. I find that too frightening.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The V Pub says:

    Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Write like you feel it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel that way when I’m on vacation and can be away from everyday, mostly boring life. Or at least life that I don’t have much control over. Then coming home to reality is a letdown. I don’t know the answer. I’d say stay at your mom’s more often if you can. It sounds like a vacation to me!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I *really* wish my mom lived closer and not on the opposite side of the city. Traffic is a huge issue. If she lived closer, I think we’d be there most days even if we didn’t sleep over. At least over the summer.

      I also wish we lived closer because her town/area is so much more peaceful than where I live. But moving is not an option for a number of reasons…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Juli Hoffman says:

    Sometimes writing puts me in a BAD place, emotionally. Those characters, their problems etc. puts me in a bad place. Even though I KNOW the bad stuff isn’t happening to me, it’s happening to my characters, I don’t think my body always understands this. I get into these emotional loops which fuels my depression. If this sounds familiar, by all means, give yourself some time AWAY from the fuel. Give yourself some distance.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A lot of the time, I get caught up in the good things happening to characters in my writing. Sometimes, that’s good for me because I pretend I’m in the story. Other times, it kills me because I’m jealous of my own characters!

      Sometimes if I’m writing about my own feelings, it can make me feel worse… or it can make me feel better. I never know how that will turn out.

      I’m not sure why I feel so anxious about taking a break. I think I fear the loneliness I attach to that…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Juli Hoffman says:

        I like to use my writing breaks to indulge in MORE reading. Everyone is different, but this helps me.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I wish I could get into reading more right now. For some reason, everything bores me. Even books I’ve read before and loved… they bore me now. I don’t get it!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Juli Hoffman says:

            I enjoy YA books when I’m feeling like that and audiobooks from my library. I swear, librarians are worth their weight in diamonds. Even if you don’t know what you want to read, but you know what “feeling” your looking for…they will point you in the right direction. They’re like underpaid therapists, but with books.

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Hunida says:

    You are just going through a writer’s block, Sandra. Don’t feel bad. I think your writing is always flawless… even in this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Same in regards to my absences. I have taken many unintentional breaks because I feel like I have nothing to say that anyone would give a dam about.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes… I understand that feeling completely. Maybe it’s best not to worry if anyone would care what you have to say… and just say it anyway. That’s what I’m sort of trying to think…

      Like

  10. I really enjoy your posts! They’re really entertaining! 😊♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Marquessa says:

    I agree with the blogging break more and more these days. I could write but I am too tired. Seriously considering a full break until September to focus on editing. I know that you’ve had a hard time for way too long. And pretending to be in another reality for a little while is not a bad thing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If only I could truly stay in another reality for longer than a day or two. But more than that and financial issues become more serious… and I think I risk losing touch with reality completely. Although… that sounds good to me…

      Like

  12. This sums up the problem I have with blogging. It starts to feel like you have to post instead of wanting to. Some people seem to churn out posts every day and so you compete and compete until one day you click publish and realise that you’re tired.

    Blogging is supposed to be fun, or cathartic. At least it is for me. However, there’s no shame in taking a break from any kind of writing. When I took my break, it was unintentional, but I deliberately stretched it out. Mostly because it was making my issues worse. I feel like when you blog, you’re always aware of an audience and that makes you second guess yourself. In my downtime, I didn’t stop writing. No matter how ugly it got, if I needed to write, I would, I just didn’t post it anywhere.

    It was pretty helpful.

    So, keep writing and expressing yourself but never feel like you’re obligated to post it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes… exactly — some people post three, four, five times a day and I’m struggling to post once every two or three days. I feel totally inadequate. Am I that empty and boring that I can’t come up with anything to post? It seems like I am.

      I think part of the problem for me is that my life kind of sucks and the only place I have friends is here. So, if I’m not posting… if I’m not around, I have no friends… and I feel very alone and lonely and it hurts. And I worry that if I disappear for a while, I’ll lose everyone. So stupid. But then, of course, being here and feeling inadequate is also bad.

      You’re right, though… I should be here because I want to be. I guess the problem is that I can’t decide what the hell I want.

      I do think that sometimes, the pressure I put on myself to post makes me feel worse than I would if I could just cut myself off for a few days.

      And one other thing… I find that lately, every time I try to write, I’m thinking of my audience… not myself. I think that’s a problem, too…

      Thanks for your thoughts… I think you get me. Scary, I know… ♥

      Like

  13. So happy you got away for a few days to your Mom’s. So what that you imagined you had a different life. I would like to do that as well. If it’s just for a few moments of peace and you enjoyed yourself for a few minutes or however long, it was worth it. Please don’t leave us. We love you and need you just as much as you need us. And you’re sooo not inadequate. Too hard on yourself little one. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I wonder sometimes what the hell I’m doing because I don’t know if trying to post here makes me feel better or worse. That concerns me.

      I do want to go to Mom’s again. Unfortunately, the next time I go will be this Saturday coming up and it’s for a birthday party for my nephew so others will be there. That tends to leave me more stressed than relaxed… 😦

      Thanks for being so sweet and supportive. ♥ xo

      Like

  14. Your post was beautifully written and entertaining… despite not “officially” having something to say. I stumbled unto your site and and I am glad that I did. 😉

    Take it easy on yourself. We don’t have to know everything all the time… thats life! Hag in there and just know that you write very very well!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. This is such a wonderful comment. I really appreciate everything you said. I am just not doing well lately… it’s gone on too long. But I’m glad that you still found something worthwhile in this post… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Mel Gutiér says:

    (*clears throat*) That’s why my blog is called Fiction in my head. LOL! I want to give you a huge hug. It sounds like you had a great time and that should be treasured. Those feelings you had, have will have… it’s okay. I have them too. I think we all have those pretend my life is different than it is feelings/thoughts.

    Muuaah!!

    Liked by 1 person

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