This morning I woke up with a feeling of overwhelming sadness. I don’t know the reason… not specifically. I just have the usual things worrying me. The only difference is that (1) I had to go to my in-laws this afternoon and (2) vacation for the husband and kids is nearly over.
Sure, my mother-in-law is kind of awful. But we were only there for a few hours, and my father-in-law is so nice… and funny. But going there still makes me anxious. I hardly ever do it. My mother-in-law hates me… she always has, pretty much. I’ve never been quite sure why. What the hell? I’m likable. Yeah… yeah… stop laughing.
The end of vacation… it’s not even my vacation. But all those ‘usual things that worry me‘… they scream so much louder when I’m alone. I try to distract myself. There are tons of things I could do around the house. But I feel guilty because none of those things actually lead to fixing any of ‘those‘ worries. Unless doing something… anything… gives me some sense of accomplishment? I don’t know if it would.
But the truth is… taking any action toward the big issues scares me to death. Which is so stupid since that’s really what I should be doing. But as I’ve mentioned before… I become paralyzed.
Anyway… forgetting all that (wish I really could)… I hate this feeling I have today. Overwhelming sadness. I can barely keep my eyes open and I feel like I’m going to cry. Over what? I have no answer. Fear, maybe.
There is no point to this post other than to write down what I am feeling. I don’t know if it will help or not… but there it is.
Oh… a couple more things…
This fucking cold weather is out of damn control. Walking from car to house was literally painful for my face. My favorite weather app says (it provides many details):
And please do not take offense… I don’t think bad things about anyone regardless of their positivity (or negativity)… I’m very happy for anyone who has a positive attitude and I’m jealous of said attitude—I’ve never had one. But… my comment is about me, no one else: If I see one more fucking post about how “it’s a new year!” and blah blah fucking blah… I may vomit. It’s just the next day. After yesterday. Nothing is different except the calendar. Which changes every fucking day.
Sorry. Kind of. Or not. (One of these days, my blunt honesty is going to get me into serious trouble… and leave me friendless. Oh wait…)
No, seriously… no offense. Please don’t hate me.
©2018 what sandra thinks