(This is not a picture of my husband and me…)
The day I got married, it rained.
People kept telling me rain on your wedding day is good luck. A sign of a long happy marriage to come. And other such drivel. I thought they were just saying that to make me feel better. But I wasn’t bothered by the rain. It made for some unique photos. Standing by an antique car with the driver holding a giant black umbrella over me? It looked cool. Besides, this is me. Complete with a dark cloud over my head at all times. How could it not rain?
But it was cool. And let’s not forget the pink-haired deejay. Adam. He was cool. I’ve got a great picture of him and me. And I usually hate pictures of me. But it was a good one. There were a few others from that day I liked… a few.
The day I got married, it rained.
When you know you’ve found ‘the one’, you just know. That’s what they say. (Whoever the fuck ‘they’ are.) But I tossed that into the pile with ‘fairy tales aren’t real’. Not that I ever thought they were, but there had to be bits of truth in them. They had to be based on something. I shouldn’t have completely buried those notions for later use in fiction.
Maybe it’s like a career. I never knew what I wanted so I just fell into something. Hm. I never knew what I wanted in a relationship so I just fell into something. That’s not entirely true, but I think there’s a commonality that I never saw before this very moment.
The day I got married, it rained.
Maybe it was foreshadowing. Maybe that earthquake that happened while I was in California on my honeymoon was foreshadowing. Maybe little things that happened along the way were signs I should have seen. Maybe I should have analyzed everything more. Ha! Like I don’t already overanalyze everything!
Blinders. They show up when they shouldn’t. And never when they should.
Maybe I’m just having an enormous mid-life crisis. Maybe I’m stuck because things that used to make me happy don’t make me happy anymore. Maybe it’s not him… maybe it’s me. (Although I have to say, there are certainly times when it is definitely him.)
The day I got married, it rained.
It felt like a touch of romance. Ducking into the car laughing. Rain running down the windows like a sparkling diamond curtain. Maybe it was a bad thing because I got caught up in the romance of it and neglected to see the lack of romance that came from him. Oh, I knew he wasn’t Mr. Romance but I married him anyway. Something that was so important to me. Why did I compromise? Blinders, indeed.
Maybe he compromised, too. Let’s face reality… I’ve always been messed up. But he loved me anyway. And he’s never been romantic. But I loved him anyway. We’re even. Maybe.
But, damn, some days…
The day I got married, it rained.
But today, it’s sunny and 80°F in the middle of October in New England.
That’s fucked up.
©2017 what sandra thinks
I rarely discuss the details if my marriage, because I am unable to articulately describe it the way you just did yours. There is something about being “fucked up” that sort of pulls us in for some unknown reason…
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I honestly have no idea what kind of picture this post paints. I know what it looks like in my head… but whether I translated that well? I really don’t even know!
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It doesn’t matter how it translates, because everyone will have their own, unique, perspective based on their own experiences that will paint a picture for them.
To me, that makes this post perfect.
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Well, thank you so much. ♥
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Of course, my friend.
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I think it translated perfectly. I feel bad for saying this, with…you know, the truth in this piece being so heavy and honest, but, I think is my favorite piece of yours. It’s so beautifully written, articulate,…..and powerful.
*****I so wish I could say, “Happy Anniversary!”, to you without coming off as a total douche. 😔
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You can say it… it’s totally okay.
Thank you. I find it fascinating that my best writing comes from that place under the dark cloud. Not surprising… but it goes along with what I’ve always thought. The best ‘art’ comes from a dark place. At least for me.
Get this… I have been trying to get my whole family to eat healthier… I’ve been doing great… everyone else? Less great. So the last thing I want is junk food in the house. But… my husband came home from work tonight with a piece of cheesecake for me from the bakery. I’m amazed that he did *anything* … but of course, he’s also sabotaging me. I know… he means well. I’m still amazed.
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That’s great! He thought of you, ya’ know? That’s a good thing. Never underestimate little things. 😊😊
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I guess he still likes girls with less than perfect thighs… 😛
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Hahaha! Nobody likes someone perfect. That’s just boring. Besides, most of us aren’t perfect, just perfect for someone. 😊
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Well… If I’m perfect for someone, I don’t know who it is. And I don’t know who’s perfect for me. I’m certainly not in that “perfect” relationship now…
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I know. That bums me out for you. 😕
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It’s alright. I mean, it’s not, but I got myself here. I can’t really blame anyone but me. Sometimes I wonder if the perfect man for me is really out there somewhere. I’m not sure if it matters… I’ll never find him… and I’m already in this life..
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I believe there is. For everyone. The trick is finding them. Or, maybe that’s pie in the sky shit and those who are happy are just some sort of anomaly. What the fuck do I know? 😏
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I tend to think the world is miserable and the happy people are oddities. That’s probably not true… but it makes me feel better about not being happy… thinking I’m not alone, I guess.
I do have fantasies that the perfect man finds me. But I’m usually about 25 in those fantasies…
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Funny, but I’m usually 25 in my fantasies as well. Daydreams, dreams, and wishes too. 😃
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Whether you like it or not Sandra this is one mighty powerful bit of writing. I do so wish I could come and bang your heads together though, you and that husband of yours. Write more like this, even if it hurts. Write the same pieces from your husband’s point of view too. Doesn’t matter whether you post them or not, it will do you good to put it down in writing, and it may help you to sort out where you need to go, and what you need to do.
Hugs to you, and to yours.
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This is why I have no idea if what is wrong with me lately is what people call ‘writers’ block’. I always thought of that as not being able to write even if you have something to write about. That’s not what’s going on with me. My thing is having nothing to write about… but if I have something good… something that means something to me or comes from inside me, I have no trouble writing. Does that make sense?
I don’t think the headbanging would do anything except give us headaches… I’m not just saying this… but I am always the one willing to compromise… but he never is. Never. Oh… and I definitely don’t want to write this from his perspective. I think it would make me incredibly depressed and I don’t need any help there.
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It’s not me, it’s him, is no excuse. It’s a bit of you both. Anyway, skip the “his perspective” and stay with yours. Write it all down but do not post it all, only to regret it later, or delete it later. Only if, after a week, you are happy to share it, only then post it.
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I love it. You describe it all so well… Rain on your wedding day is considered a bad omen in my culture, foreshadowing a turbulent ride ahead. That’s why I feel this was written really well!
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Ah, see, that’s interesting! I think people make things up as they see fit. I usually don’t believe anything like that because of this — different cultures have opposing beliefs… which is “right”??
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Hahahahaha what you believe is what’s right, I guess 😀
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Fucked up is what we all are to some degree, because life never measures up to how is sold to us as a child. I think also it’s called character.
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I have a LOT of character… ❤
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I know you do… No bad thing either ❤️
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This is such an intense, raw and, dare I saw beautiful, piece of writing Sandra. I’ve also gone through many stages of being fucked up too. Yep these clouds linger. It rained on my wedding day too. Powerful writing . Keep it up, it’s cathartic.
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Thank you. It’s interesting to me that this is what has started to pull me out of my writing slump. Of course, this could be it… I could be back in my slump tomorrow…!
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No, don’t think like that.Keep going …
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Sandra, this was lovely. Like I can see the struggle you are having with yourself in it, but there’s just something about the words and the way you put them together that is just so lovely. I don’t know how to explain it very well…
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It’s okay… I get it. Thank you…
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I hoped you would!
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This post really resonated with me. We may try to bury our ‘childish’ ideals, but they won’t stay buried. ♥
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No… they won’t. Sometimes, though, I find it painful to remember them… ♥
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Yes, it hurts sometimes to think of them. ♥
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