For anyone following my messed-up-brain saga… (And if you’re not, please skip this post… I find it thoroughly embarrassing that I have all these fucking issues anyway.)
I saw my NP today. The last time I saw her, she made some changes… and today, I told her how terrible I’ve been feeling. I’ve been falling asleep pretty much every time I sit down. And I’ve been eating like a pig. The sleeping and eating totally stress me out and make me feel like hell. The kids are on summer vacation… I can’t be so motionless and non-energetic. They need someone around… not a big fat slug. And they can’t be watching me eat a bunch of crap all the time. I try really hard to eat a healthy diet and set a good example for them. My son is super picky and doesn’t tend to eat well. He’s a rail, but I don’t care. He needs to have good habits now. Same with my daughter. She’s less picky but still. My parents let my sisters and I eat whatever we wanted when we were kids. I’d like my kids to have better habits. It’s hard enough when my husband brings crap into the house…
So… she considered upping the dose of my most recent med… but I kind of freaked out because I think that’s what caused all of the above problems. More of it could possibly reverse those side effects, but it didn’t sound very likely so I didn’t feel so great about that. Hell, that med usually makes one lose their appetite, not the opposite. So clearly, I’m fucked up on that count already. And the sleepiness… really bad. I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours at night plus falling asleep earlier in the evening for a solid 2-3 hours (and then eating between that and going to bed) plus dozing off at various other times throughout the day. I woke up at 8:30 this morning… and I nearly fell asleep while in the waiting room at the NP’s office. And I could totally sleep right now.
I’ve been having trouble doing anything. I try to write and I fall asleep. Reading? Forget it. Even stupid simple things like emptying the dishwasher… I have no motivation to do anything and it’s all exhausting.
Clearly, I’m a mess. Far worse than I was before the last change.
We’re going to go a little bit backwards. I’m pretty happy about that but I still don’t know if things will improve. It could be all in my head… all of it… the sleep, the eating, the misery. I have no idea anymore. I just want some motivation to live my life. I haven’t done much of anything with the kids since they’ve been out of school. I haven’t been for a walk in weeks. I am desperate for some energy. It was better when I had too much energy… when I was off the rails in the other direction. That’s, of course, not ideal either… but if I had to choose, that’s way better than this hopeless, no-energy coma I’ve been in.
Does one’s body get used to everything until it becomes ineffective? Is that why there’s never a real ‘fix‘? Does any potential success not last? I’m beginning to believe this. And it sucks.
I think this post needs to end now because I’ve literally dozed off three times while writing it. And that’s after downing a large iced coffee from Dunkin’.
/end yet another embarrassing post
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