the latest.

For anyone following my messed-up-brain saga… (And if you’re not, please skip this post… I find it thoroughly embarrassing that I have all these fucking issues anyway.)

I saw my NP today. The last time I saw her, she made some changes… and today, I told her how terrible I’ve been feeling. I’ve been falling asleep pretty much every time I sit down. And I’ve been eating like a pig. The sleeping and eating totally stress me out and make me feel like hell. The kids are on summer vacation… I can’t be so motionless and non-energetic. They need someone around… not a big fat slug. And they can’t be watching me eat a bunch of crap all the time.Β I try really hard to eat a healthy diet and set a good example for them. My son is super picky and doesn’t tend to eat well. He’s a rail, but I don’t care. He needs to have good habits now. Same with my daughter. She’s less picky but still. My parents let my sisters and I eat whatever we wanted when we were kids. I’d like my kids to have better habits. It’s hard enough when my husband brings crap into the house…

So… she considered upping the dose of my most recent med… but I kind of freaked out because I think that’s what caused all of the above problems. More of it could possibly reverse those side effects, but it didn’t sound very likely so I didn’t feel so great about that. Hell, that med usually makes one lose their appetite, not the opposite. So clearly, I’m fucked up on that count already. And the sleepiness… really bad. I’ve been sleeping 8-9 hours at night plus falling asleep earlier in the evening for a solid 2-3 hours (and then eating between that and going to bed) plus dozing off at various other times throughout the day. I woke up at 8:30 this morning… and I nearly fell asleep while in the waiting room at the NP’s office. And I could totally sleep right now.

I’ve been having trouble doing anything. I try to write and I fall asleep. Reading? Forget it. Even stupid simple things like emptying the dishwasher… I have no motivation to do anything and it’s all exhausting.

Clearly, I’m a mess. Far worse than I was before the last change.

We’re going to go a little bit backwards. I’m pretty happy about that but I still don’t know if things will improve. It could be all in my head… all of it… the sleep, the eating, the misery. I have no idea anymore. I just want some motivation to live my life. I haven’t done much of anything with the kids since they’ve been out of school. I haven’t been for a walk in weeks. I am desperate for some energy. It was better when I had too much energy… when I was off the rails in the other direction. That’s, of course, not ideal either… but if I had to choose, that’s way better than this hopeless, no-energy coma I’ve been in.

Does one’s body get used to everything until it becomes ineffective? Is that why there’s never a real ‘fix‘? Does any potential success not last? I’m beginning to believe this. And it sucks.

I think this post needs to end now because I’ve literally dozed off three times while writing it. And that’s after downing a large iced coffee from Dunkin’.

/end yet another embarrassing post


Β©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

62 Responses to the latest.

  1. I’m certainly no expert…well…I’m fucked up too, but I don’t know that it counts…but I have heard the body builds resistance to some things and meds can be one of those things. I read one time that’s why doctors go in stages of prescribing and backing off, but I don’t know.

    I hope things get better, my friend. ((hug))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub says:

    Did they test for thyroid issues? A friend of mine was lethargic and it turned out to be some sort of thyroid issue.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Rob is right. Thyroid issues happened to me, my mom and my sis around 40. Mine ended up being removed and I take levothyroxine. I would guess they checked that for you? Manic/depressive episodes sounds like the cycle and I would guess if that’s it, that’s what they’re adjusting the meds for. Maybe it’s difficult getting the dosing right? Seems lots of what we as women go thru is hormonal and makes it harder to find answers. Hang in there. But, really, what else can you do? ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I was just saying to Rob… my thyroid has been checked but I’m not sure when the last time was. It’s always been normal. Honestly, I always wished it wouldn’t be normal because then it would be something that could be treated, you know?

      It is difficult to get the dosing right… and the medications themselves, too. It’s killing me because I’ve been trying to get this shit right for over 2 years now. (Only a few months with my current NP… who I think is way better than my previous one.)

      I’ve spent a little too much time thinking about the alternatives to ‘hanging in there’ lately and it scares me. I’m glad I had the appointment today and that she is so good at listening to what I tell her.

      thank you… β™₯

      Liked by 1 person

      • I should clarify. Thyroid was one issue. I was going through perimenopause, which is hellish, and years after thyroid surgery I was finally treated for anxiety issues. Still have those, finally thru menopause now. Too much caffeine really makes my problems worse. I can do some coffee but too much can bring on heart palpitations for me and totally sleepless nights. Eating poorly messes me up, too. It’s all so interconnected and took lots of pushing on my part. Have you experimented with diet and exercise at all or researched stuff on your own? Don’t underestimate your gut feelings on what’s wrong. We’re our own best advocates. And look for any family history that might be helpful. You have two adorable kids to raise. ❀

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’ve tried. I have to admit that I was doing well with eating well and getting some exercise but since the latest med changes, I’ve been incapable of doing anything. I don’t care about anything… I crave junk food constantly… I always feel half asleep. Most of the time, I just want to go to bed… when I’m not looking for some crap to eat.

          I’ve not noticed a problem or change with caffeine whether I have a lot or a little. (Thank god for that.)

          I just looked up some stuff about thyroid… I found 2 lists… one had 10 possible symptoms (I have all 10) and one had 19 symptoms (I have 14). But I’ve always tested normal… I don’t know that anyone will treat me for this if I have another normal blood test… 😦

          Liked by 1 person

          • Mine was not a quick diagnosis. Seven years of tests, scans, etc. I had an enlarged thyroid but my blood work was ‘normal.’ The tsh guidelines are narrower now and you may fall outside the normal range now. Even if you don’t, there are several tests they should/could do, T3, T4, not just tag. It may not be thyroid at all, but they should definitely rule it out. Email me to let me know how I can help πŸ™‚ or just to talk πŸ™‚

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you so much. I am just so frustrated. I feel like I’ve been at this forever and no one seems to be able to “fix me.” It’s pretty scary that I *want* there to be a physical component to this because that’s easier to treat than the psychological ones. Anyway, thank you again for your lovely words and offer to help/listen. I’m kind of in tears right now because you’re so nice to me. πŸ™‚ β™₯

              Liked by 1 person

  4. Jason@Solace says:

    Keep writing! Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. See above^
    My wife is hypothyroid and takes synthesis Daily to regulate. She was diagnosed at 15, and it was one of the final things they tested. Once on the med, boom! Instantly better. Worth an ask to your NP, and a fairly easy test. Also, you don’t have zip to be embarrassed about. No, I doubt this is all in your head. You have something going on, and whatever it is it isn’t as if you chose this crap. Like I’ve told you before, the only shame would be in not trying to figure out what’s up. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Meghan Tregellis says:

    I add my ditto to the others’ recommendations. Such is life, nothing to be embarrassed about. ❀️ The focus on your mental health mustn’t overlook your physical health!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I just don’t think that’s it. I wish it was. But I seriously doubt it. I’ve been checked in the past… no such luck. And if it was that, it would be lucky. At least I could be treated.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meghan Tregellis says:

        I know what you mean, being able to at least identify what the problem is… still, maybe some blood work is in order. There could be other reasons for it not related to the medication . Worth a look, anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m with the others. Get checked out for other issues. It could be a thyroid issue, low iron, etc. Don’t be embarrassed, it isn’t your fault. I usually feel the way you’re describing just after my period for about ~2 weeks, so I understand. It’s like a permanent state of brain fog where you’re awake for like, 5% of the day and trying to wade through the rest of it. It sucks.

    So I sincerely hope that you feel better soon! πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, love. I truly wish I had a medical issue of some kind that was causing this stuff because then maybe that could be treated and I could get the hell out of… well… hell. I just doubt it’d ever turn out to be something so simple. Not that a medical issue is simple, but it’s much more easily treated than psychological crap…

      Liked by 1 person

  8. pluviolover says:

    Clearly, something is wrong medically (you’re not a mess, you’re ill) and you need to keep at it until you find out what it is. Then you can treat or medicate as necessary. You would not have written this if you were not trying to fight back/deal with it. And, IMO, you write well in your sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, you are SO kind. Thank you so much. I can’t explain how anxious and self-conscious I get posting things like this. But I just don’t have the support system in my “real life”… I need something from somewhere so I post it anyway. But all of it is thoroughly exhausting! Thank you again. β™₯

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Lee going- you have the support of you on-line friends & this community is right there behind you. You can do this. Take care and big hugs xox

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Sorry that was “keep going “

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Marquessa says:

    All of your friends have given you some great advice. We are all behind you, ready willing and waiting to lend an ear and support. This is the right place to vent so no need to worry about that. Like so many others have said, it sounds medical so its a matter of time before your doctor figures it out. Speaking from experience, you have to be your own advocate and push for them to get tests done.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. stephieann8 says:

    I hate the fact that I’m on antidepressant. I’m unsure if I’m actually happy or the medicine is making me that way. The doctors office forgot to call in my refill before Easter weekend and I had the worst weekend to date. Nightmares. Crying. Didn’t want to do shit. I mean I know deep down that I’m happy but I wish I could just stop taking the med. But I can’t go through a weekend like that again.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. mandibelle16 says:

    I feel for you meds can be so difficult to adjust to and find the best ones, where you feel as normal as possible, unfortunately so many meds have side effects of weight gain. If you are prone to it (as I am) even if the chance of gaining weight it shall it happens to me. Keep walking and avoid carbs, I think that’s my best advice. Choose protein to keep you full and eat a lot if veggies and fruit as they are good carbs and eating a lot will keep you full. Plus, say a big bowl of veggies and a dip with Greek yogurt and a slice, is a satisfying way to eat vegetables! Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I know all the right things to do nutrition-wise. It’s not even a question of weight gain in this case. It’s the constant insatiable hunger for junk food. It was like I could eat tons and tons of veggies and healthy proteins… and I’d feel full yet starving for junk food at the same time. I’ve never experienced anything quite like it. Anyway, after the latest change, things seem to be improving already. Thankfully!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Hey Doll, I do think our bodies get so used to the medications we have to switch it up from time to time. Extremely frustrating. No one likes to start over again especially when it was working so well for us. Here’s to hoping things get better sweetness XO

    Liked by 1 person

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