I know this ultimately has to be my decision, but I am going back and forth so fast I’m standing still. I hate how much trouble I have making decisions. Constantly second-guessing myself… assuming that no matter what I decide, it will be the wrong choice… So… I’ve come to you. You lucky, lucky readers.
I have been seeing a therapist for a few months (not a doctor – a therapist… if that matters). When I began, I saw him once a week. However, due to financial concerns, I’ve had to cut that to every other week, a plan to which he agreed.
I’ve had the sit-there-and-talk-while-the-therapist-nods-and-barely-says-a-word kind of therapy before. (Useless.) But this is different. It’s a brain training exercise. Make myself more aware of how I think, see that those thoughts are irrational, and counter them with rational thoughts… the goal being to train my brain to react more rationally on its own.
From an intellectual standpoint, as the ‘student’, I can do this. But in the end, while I can come up with the ‘rational’ thoughts, I don’t believe them. Yep… they make more sense but I still don’t believe them. I believe history. For example: ‘This has never worked out for me so it won’t this time either… why bother? It’s hopeless’. At some point, therapist guy said, I have to take a leap of faith and buy into it. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? Boom! I believe it. I’m good. Why would I need therapy?
Has it worked at all? Maybe I’m able to stop myself from catastrophizing quite so much in some situations. So maybe yes? I know these things take time but after this long, I feel like I’ve barely moved. And I still feel largely unable to progress on my job hunt… and that was what pushed me to start therapy — I needed to figure out how to get rid of the overwhelming sense of doom whenever I thought about the job search so I could actually do it.
But… my conundrum isn’t about whether or not this is working.
It is this:
I dread every single therapy appointment.
During the off weeks, I feel calmer even if life is sucking at the time. During the on weeks, I’m anxious as hell. I hate to go. It fucks up my whole week… until it’s over. I feel like I’m paying for extra anxiety. Completely counterproductive.
Something is wrong with this picture.
The thought of going to therapy shouldn’t bury me in dread and misery. Right?
[Aside: When I have appointments with my primary care doc, my gyno, my MH nurse practitioner, even my podiatrist, for fuck’s sake… I am not stressed out at all. I actually like seeing them!]
This therapy has probably helped me (at least a little). It may be the right kind of therapy for me. But I think it’s with the wrong person.
I’ve heard that when talking with my therapist, I should feel like I’m talking to an old friend. That sounds great. It may not be realistic or even possible. But… I certainly don’t think I should dread it.
This is an on week. I have to go Thursday. Dread.
Do I continue to see my therapist? If I stop, does that mean all the money so far has been wasted? But if I continue seeing him despite the ‘extra’ dreadful anxiety it gives me, am I just wasting more money? Am I ever going to be significantly better anyway? Or is this my life now?
I’m not opposed to trying someone new but I need some sort of recommendation. Choosing blindly is a nightmare. I can ask my NP but it’s 3 weeks until I see her again (and only 2.5 days until my next therapy session). Do I keep seeing this guy until I talk to her? Until I find a new therapist? If I’m not going to see this guy once I have someone new, is there any point to seeing him again at all? Is there any point to sustaining this dread?
[Apologies for the crazy-long post. Thanks for reading…]