indecision.

sad-couch-girl

I know this ultimately has to be my decision, but I am going back and forth so fast I’m standing still. I hate how much trouble I have making decisions. Constantly second-guessing myself… assuming that no matter what I decide, it will be the wrong choice… So… I’ve come to you. You lucky, lucky readers.

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Some background…

I have been seeing a therapist for a few months (not a doctor – a therapist… if that matters). When I began, I saw him once a week. However, due to financial concerns, I’ve had to cut that to every other week, a plan to which he agreed.

I’ve had the sit-there-and-talk-while-the-therapist-nods-and-barely-says-a-word kind of therapy before. (Useless.) But this is different. It’s a brain training exercise. Make myself more aware of how I think, see that those thoughts are irrational, and counter them with rational thoughts… the goal being to train my brain to react more rationally on its own.

From an intellectual standpoint, as the ‘student’, I can do this. But in the end, while I can come up with the ‘rational’ thoughts, I don’t believe them. Yep… they make more sense but I still don’t believe them. I believe history. For example: ‘This has never worked out for me so it won’t this time either… why bother? It’s hopeless’.  At some point, therapist guy said, I have to take a leap of faith and buy into it. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? Boom! I believe it. I’m good. Why would I need therapy?

Has it worked at all? Maybe I’m able to stop myself from catastrophizing quite so much in some situations. So maybe yes? I know these things take time but after this long, I feel like I’ve barely moved. And I still feel largely unable to progress on my job hunt… and that was what pushed me to start therapy — I needed to figure out how to get rid of the overwhelming sense of doom whenever I thought about the job search so I could actually do it.

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But… my conundrum isn’t about whether or not this is working.

It is this:

I dread every single therapy appointment.

During the off weeks, I feel calmer even if life is sucking at the time. During the on weeks, I’m anxious as hell. I hate to go. It fucks up my whole week… until it’s over. I feel like I’m paying for extra anxiety. Completely counterproductive.

Something is wrong with this picture.

The thought of going to therapy shouldn’t bury me in dread and misery. Right?

[Aside: When I have appointments with my primary care doc, my gyno, my MH nurse practitioner, even my podiatrist, for fuck’s sake… I am not stressed out at all. I actually like seeing them!]

This therapy has probably helped me (at least a little). It may be the right kind of therapy for me. But I think it’s with the wrong person.

I’ve heard that when talking with my therapist, I should feel like I’m talking to an old friend. That sounds great. It may not be realistic or even possible. But… I certainly don’t think I should dread it.

This is an on week. I have to go Thursday. Dread.

Do I continue to see my therapist? If I stop, does that mean all the money so far has been wasted? But if I continue seeing him despite the ‘extra’ dreadful anxiety it gives me, am I just wasting more money? Am I ever going to be significantly better anyway? Or is this my life now?

I’m not opposed to trying someone new but I need some sort of recommendation. Choosing blindly is a nightmare. I can ask my NP but it’s 3 weeks until I see her again (and only 2.5 days until my next therapy session). Do I keep seeing this guy until I talk to her? Until I find a new therapist? If I’m not going to see this guy once I have someone new, is there any point to seeing him again at all? Is there any point to sustaining this dread?

wave short line

[Apologies for the crazy-long post. Thanks for reading…]

©2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in advice, anxiety, personal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

69 Responses to indecision.

  1. Miriam says:

    As a Libran I’m an expert in second guessing myself and hopeless at decision making so I’m hardly the best person to give advice. But, if you’ve been seeing this therapist for awhile and not seeing much progress, I would try and get a recommendation and try someone else. Move on. It’s not time wasted but you do have to feel comfortable with the person you’re pouring your heart out to. You have nothing to lose. Whatever you do , all the best Sandra. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know how you feel. I dread going, but once I’ve been, the anxiety about the whole thing isn’t so bad. The problem with therapy is that it forces us to confront what we’d rather leave alone. I’m in a place where you are right now. Logically I understand that my fears are unfounded, especially since my abuser is dead and can no longer hurt me, but his voice still echoes in my mind about my worthlessness. I grew up believing it with every fiber of my being. I can’t just shut it off and it’s possible I never will, but I keep trying. Think about how you feel after. Is it liberating? Do you feel less weight on your shoulders? If this is the case, odds are you’ve got yourself a good therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s the thing. I understand what he’s trying to accomplish with me… what the goal is. But most of the time after… I feel worse… or at best, no different than before. I don’t think I feel any weight lifted. In fact, with what I’m supposed to do for “homework”, I usually feel more weight on my shoulders than before. I really do wonder if in some ways, it’s making me worse. I’m not progressing much and I keep handing over that copay… and I’m not sure why I bother.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hmm, maybe you should try another therapist. I’ve learned over the course of several therapists that if you feel worse about everything in general, odds are, you haven’t found the right person. It took me 3 tries to find one that’s done well. She seems to get me, unlike the others.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think I was lying to myself pretty much from the start because after the first visit, I was in tears and I already didn’t want to go back. I think I just didn’t like him… I didn’t feel comfortable. But I told myself to give it/him a chance. And then I blamed myself if I came out of a session feeling like hell. And only over the past couple of visits have a realized that I shouldn’t dread every appointment the way I do. To me, that seems like it’s not right, you know?

          Thanks, Sarah ♥

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Angela says:

    I say yes. In my experience, therapy or not, sinking into the discomfort sometimes creates more discomfort in the short term, as old habits transform and I uncover more about myself that I need to accept/mourn/tackle. In short….sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. Stupid cliche. But true.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I do understand that it often gets worse before it gets better… but it just doesn’t feel like the “better” part is coming. I just feel crappy… And it’s been kind of a long time. I don’t know how long the “worse” part should last but I feel like I’m stuck in it…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Angela says:

        Someone once told me….it took X number of years for that faulty thinking and behavior to become the conditioned response…so be patient with yourself. But, if your gut is telling you something, I’m always in favor of listening to it. (Unless your anxiety is ignoring your gut and allowing you to believe it instead, like mine does sometimes, as a protective measure).

        Liked by 1 person

        • This therapist told me that. I’ve been like this… or close to it… since I was around 13. It’s not going to change quickly. I get that. I really do. I’m not expecting overnight success… to be a new person tomorrow. It’s not even really the working/not working aspect of the therapy that I’m having the issue with. It’s how much I dread going and what that means. Does it mean going is making me worse with little to no sign of better to come? Does it mean this is the wrong therapist for me? Does it mean the mess in my brain is so overwhelming that it’s not going to change anyway? I don’t know any of those answers… I just know that I’m miserable for at least 3-5 days before every appointment… and often for a couple of days after an appointment, too. That’s 5-7 days of dread and misery every 2 weeks. Kind of a lot…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Angela says:

            I’m not certain what it means. I will say this: I used to weigh 260 pounds. It took me many years to get to that place, both emotionally and physically. Getting off the couch to exercise was as much a mental action as it was a physical one. So was eating in healthy ways. And feeling like I was worth all that effort, time, money. Doing it every day was (still is, and I don’t always do it) hard. Training for races was so hard. My weight came off VERY slowly, taking years to lose enough to feel like I made serious progress. Before every race, I was sick to my stomach for days. After each race, even if I made a good time for me, my brain would compare my time to all the other people in my age group and see just how big and slow I was. But I had to put my shoes on the next day, a plot out a training schedule, which I knew would be hard, and sign up for another race.

            Why? Because, despite that self defeating voice (which will likely always be there), the anxiety that threatened to make me retreat to my comfort zone (couch + donuts), I found I had the ability to override that persistent, hurtful voice. I found a new voice, small and quiet at first, but I heard it. And I chose to challenge myself and listen to her, instead, because that old way felt so very terrible. I didn’t alway listen, and still don’t always, because I fuck up and let the anxiety and hurtful voice rule at times. But there is another voice in there. One that, with nurturing, can overcome the other.

            All that to say, maybe this therapist isn’t the one. Maybe therapy isn’t for you, I don’t know. You said it isn’t an issue of doing the work, sinking into the discomfort, challenging that faulty thinking, and riding that out. That’s good, because that’s where that voice resides, in my opinion. In the riding through. Of you can do that on your own, with support from others or someone close to you, that’s wonderful. If not, maybe therapy is a good idea. Maybe you’ll find one that clicks. Maybe tell this one what you’re telling us?

            Liked by 1 person

            • Thank you for sharing that. I do understand what you’re saying. I think it’s why I have good days… somewhere inside, there’s another voice telling me far better things than the big evil one. I am very hard on myself all the time. Everything’s my fault. It is so hard to overcome. It is also hard to do the work… but I do it. I just can’t seem to have enough belief in the ‘good voice’. Probably 90% of the time or more, the evil one takes over immediately.

              A few have said to tell him this. I’ve mentioned bits and pieces but never that I don’t think he’s the right therapist for me. I’m so non-confrontational… I’m not even sure how I’d do it. If I decide to stop seeing him, I’m not sure how I’m going to tell him that either!

              Liked by 1 person

  4. Halycon Prana says:

    I’m sorry to hear you are having trouble with this. From experience i know that it is vital to find a doctor that can see you and understand you. I have not had much luck with doctors or therapists, but that in turn forced me to search for alternative ways in which i can take control of my health and life. Keep moving forward and trying different things until you find what works for you. We’ve spoken about this before, but i will just say it again, the right food, and some exercise will help change things internally. Though this is easier said than done. Stay strong, keep searching, keep fighting, you will make it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much. I’ve been doing my best with taking care of myself as you mention. Sleeping enough has become a bit of an issue. But I am just stuck right now on this therapy… it’s been a while… I feel like I’m throwing money away and it’s killing me because I don’t have any…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg Sorick says:

    The ways your therapist is helping may not be earth shatteringly obvious, but the fact that you are seeing some change is good, right? I’m not an expert but everything i’ve heard or read about recently says this takes time, there are no overnight cures. Hang in there a little while longer. And while a leap of faith might be a stretch, you know you want to improve, try and hang onto the hope that improvement is possible. And having evidence now that you have seen small improvements. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. xo

    Liked by 4 people

    • I know it takes a long time but the extent of the dread I feel as each appointment nears is huge. Yes, I’m seeing some small change. It’s not that I expect things to be great overnight… but is that small change worth how miserable I am for at least 75% of my life because I dread going to see this guy so much? It’s like I said — I think the method of therapy may be helping me. But I don’t think seeing this guy is helping… I think it’s hurting. I can’t help wondering if I was doing this work with someone else… someone I felt that I had any remote connection to… it might be helping more… maybe lots more. I don’t know. So sure, I wouldn’t want to give up the little bit of progress I’ve made but the horrible feelings of dread almost negate the progress. I feel like I’m going nowhere.

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  6. Have you mentioned these feelings of dread to your therapist? They usually want you to be honest, and this is a case where I think you need to be. Tell him your feelings on the matter, ask him if there’s something else y’all may try. Honest conversation is essential for therapy to be effective. If he doesn’t think he can, or isn’t willing to, change his approach, ask him to refer you to someone else. It seems to be working for you, to some degree. Don’t give upon the therapy. May just be time for a change of scenery.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think you understand me, kind of. (No one fully understands me… not even me.) I do think this is working for me in at least some small way. But the absolute dread I feel about going to therapy is killing that feeling of progress. I just don’t know where to go from here. Maybe it will be the same no matter who I see… maybe I will dread going to see anyone for this. And if that’s true, there’s no point changing anything. But how I feel now… as I get closer and closer to an appointment with him… it’s so miserable that I feel like therapy is making me worse. At one point, my 12-yr-old son was stressed and I asked him if he wanted to talk to someone about it… there’s no problem with that… I do it. And he said, “I know it’s okay to do that if I want to but I think it makes it worse.” It seems to me that even my kid can sense my misery. I hate that so much.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kids are abnormally perceptive I think. They haven’t been jaded yet. Ok, here’s my uneducated guess: it’s one of two things. Either you’ve got the wrong therapist, for whatever reasons. Or, and don’t kick me in the head for saying this, you are more bothered by an honest look into yourself. Therapy is hard. I know. I made myself go a few years back. The why’s aren’t important, but I absolutely hated the thought. Of letting someone in, allowing them to pick me apart, worried about what they’d think of me, and was terrified of what I may discover about myself. It sucked. I had to, you know….talk and shit. Be completely honest with myself. HATED the thought of it. But, my guy was fantastic, if not a bit weird. It really helped in the long run, in spite of my misgivings. I was a doubter too. But it helped. You have to be open to the exploration, or it’ll never work. Remember though, you’re doing this for you. If he’s not helping YOU, then try another. Do Not Give Up!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I get that… taking an honest look at myself. .. not so easy because you see just how ‘wrong’ (for lack of a better word) you/your head are. I almost think, though, that I know this stuff about me. I’m honest with myself about it. I think it contributes to my self-hatred. Which I also honestly recognize as another ‘wrong’ thing. I think I have discovered different angles of what I already know and admit about myself. So there is that.

          But then you said… your guy was fantastic. THAT is my issue. Not whether or not this is working or even how long it should or will take. The issue is that I dread seeing this guy… I HATE going. I don’t hate the work or the honest look at myself. I don’t love what it… the work… looking at what I am… but do think I’m honest about what I see… and I do the work. I understand why it’s important. And since I do feel like I’ve seen at least some small changes, I have a little bit of hope (which is a lot for me) that this may be the right road for me. But… I DREAD seeing this guy. I don’t feel like he and I connect. It’s happened more than once that I’ve tried to tell or ask him something about this process and he doesn’t get what I’m saying/asking… and I try to say it 5 different ways and when I walk out, I still don’t have the answer to my question… because I don’t think he really ‘got’ what I was asking. (And then I am sobbing all the way home… and often beyond…) It’s like making a friend. If you’re not on the same wavelength in any way, the friendship is likely not going to happen.

          I think I need someone else. But how will I know if I’ve found the right person? I’ve been seeing this guy for months… and only over the last 2-3 visits have I come to realize that it’s just not ‘right’. Am I going to have to spend this much time with someone else before I know if it’s good?

          Liked by 1 person

          • I get it. So clearly you need to work with someone else. Have you tried a female? And, I don’t think it’ll take many sessions to know you’re with the right one. It’ll be fairly clear from the beginning, I think. If it’s just the dude you dread, and not the work, then I’d say find somebody new ASAP. By the way, I hope I wasn’t presumptuous before. Not my intent, just throwing shit out there, ya’ know? 😃

            Liked by 1 person

            • Not at all. I appreciate your thoughts. I think I might do better with a female. Not that there’s anything wrong with men (well, uh… forget I said that). I think I’d be more comfortable with a woman… I just wish I knew how to find the right one… other than randomly choosing one from the list that my insurance covers. I hope I’ll know soon enough if it’s not the right one… because this time it took me a while… but I think I knew a long while back… I was just mostly blaming myself when a big part of it was probably that this isn’t the right person. I want to ask my NP if she has anyone to suggest… but that’s 3 weeks away… and I still don’t know if I should go to therapy this Thursday… sigh.

              Liked by 1 person

              • Can you call your NP, rather than waiting for the visit? I don’t know what to recommend for Thursday. But, I’d go, if no other reason than to air your concerns and to ask him for a recommendation to another therapist. If he’s a professional, he’ll understand and maybe try to implement a new plan, and realize that sometimes it’s just not a good fit. If he gets his feelings hurt, it solidifies your choice to look elsewhere.

                Liked by 1 person

  7. I like how you have separated your progress from the anxiety you feel about going to see him. You acknowledge that it has helped (even if just a little) but the person isn’t working. You’ve given it a good try with this guy and it’s still not getting any more comfortable. I think you should tell him that – that you can feel the process working (even if it’s just a little) but need to find another facilitator who would make you feel more comfortable. I don’t think the money you’ve spent with him should be seen as a waste at all! It would take some time to find someone who you feel comfortable with and whose methods work for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That seems like a fun conversation. 🙂 Seriously, though… that is yet another thing that makes me anxious. How do I tell this guy that I don’t think he’s the right therapist for me?I’m legitimately worried I will keep seeing this guy even though I think he’s the wrong one for the simple fact that I don’t know how to tell him this.

      I just truly feel that I should not be so consumed by dread at the thought of seeing my therapist. I think that’s wrong. I think that means he’s not the right one. Maybe I’m looking for something ridiculous. Maybe this is the best I can do. But it just feels wrong that I dread going so much.

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      • No I think that it is wrong that you dread it so much. Possibly a little dread at first is natural, but after a few months I’d think you would be more comfortable. He will understand 🙂 I am sure it has happened to him before.

        Liked by 1 person

        • By wrong, I mean if I dread it this much, how is my head in the right place when I’m there? How can this be the right therapist for me? I don’t think I should hate going so much. I just wish it was someone who I felt more comfortable, more supported with. Not to say any therapist should tell me I’m doing things right if I’m not… but ahh.. I don’t know how to explain it.

          Everyone tells me I should feel some sort of connection to my therapist for it to really work. I don’t have that. No idea how to get it… but I don’t have it…

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  8. stephieann8 says:

    I have had the same issue. We are also doing that brain training thing and I also don’t believe myself when I get a rational thought. I ALWAYS second guess everything. In school if I read a textbook the facts didn’t become facts for me until I heard them confirmed from the teachers mouth. I don’t trust my own brain. My therapist is going out on maternity leave after next weeks appointment so the next few months should be interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes — you totally understand exactly what I’m saying. I wish I knew how to find the ‘right’ therapist for me because I have no clue. And it took me months to admit that this guy isn’t the right one. I just replied to another comment with this… but I’ll say it here, too…

      After the first visit, I was in tears and already didn’t want to go back. I think I just didn’t like him, didn’t feel comfortable. But I told myself to give it/him a chance. Then I blamed myself if I came out feeling like hell. Only over the past couple of visits have a realized that I shouldn’t dread every appointment the way I do. To me, that seems like it’s not right. It’s not that I think it’s going to be a party… but I shouldn’t feel like it’s hell either, should I?

      I hope all goes well for you while your therapist is out.

      Liked by 1 person

      • stephieann8 says:

        I’ve been questioning if I’m doing therapy right. I sit there sometimes and just babble about my day. I would feel guilty changing therapist. I don’t want to hurt feelings. I generally like her I just wonder if it is working.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I know exactly what you mean. I’ve actually asked my therapist if I’m ‘doing it right’. I don’t think I ever got a real answer other than him telling me what ‘thought exercises’ I should be doing… and I did do… so maybe his answer was that I was doing it right? But I really don’t know!

          It’s very awkward to change therapists. I have no idea how I will do it should I ultimately decide to stop seeing this guy. But I have to do what I decide is best for me… not stay with him just because I don’t know how to tell him I’m not coming back…

          Sometimes, other people tell me that I seem different… even if just a tiny bit. So when I don’t think it’s working, that gives me a little hope that maybe it is. Other than that, I don’t feel like I know if it’s working either…

          Liked by 1 person

  9. magarisa says:

    I know this doesn’t help, but I empathize with you, Sandra. 💟

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Meg Sorick says:

    Hey darling girl. I’m back to this late. I was trying to read through all of the comments to see what everyone else was saying and I ran out of gas after your exchange with Beach. But I think he’s right. Don’t give up on the therapy, but find a new therapist. It will be hard to tell the guy this but if he’s any kind of professional, he will know that not everyone is going to click with the same person. Now, having said that, would it be easier to explain this in writing? Spell it all out in a letter? Or what if you even just let him read this post and the comments that followed? Seriously, then you don’t have to actually speak the words aloud. That is potentially what I would do in your shoes. I can express myself far better on paper than in speech.

    You’ve probably been feeling worse as the day approaches but, I hope maybe the answer is clearer. So, it’s the day before…. have you decided what you’re going to do yet? Love you Sandra. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hoping today is a little better if you go? Only you can make this decision to stop or keep going. You know I adore you and I’m cheering for you. I wish I had the right words to say to make your anxiety and stress go away because if I did I sure would use them doll face. I’m proud of you in posting this and allowing everyone in to your little world. Sounds like you’ve got some great advice here in the comments too. Hugs Sweet Thang!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you ♥ I do have an update. I was hoping to post it last night but that didn’t happen. My son apparently has insomnia and we stayed up together. He crashed about half way through The Tonight Show! Also… they have a snow day today… 12-18 inches expected. (That’s what she said. Okay, that’s excessive…)

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  12. A couple things to think about, Sandra. And I should mention that I used to be a therapist as well as received therapy for about 4 years as a younger person. 🙂 I think therapy can be extremely helpful. I agree that finding the right fit is good, but the right fit isn’t always the “best friend, comfortable” fit. You need to feel safe, taken care of, respected, and heard. But a therapist wouldn’t be doing his/her job if you also weren’t being edged into new territory and being challenged to explore what’s keeping you from blooming. That edge is uncomfortable. There may be something hiding in your inner shadows that you don’t want to see, for example. For me, it was deep pain about my worth as a human being. To go there was terrifying, yet ultimately freeing. I resisted and “dreaded,” of course. That’s why the sense of trust and safety with a therapist is so vital. If you are experiencing some thought-correction, that’s wonderful. If you’re feeling brave, share your dread with your therapist. You might be able to explore the fear and get to its root. If you can’t, then ask yourself, is it this therapist, or am I just not ready to go there with anyone at this time? There is always later – but then the question is whether you really want to put it off? So, there’s my two cents. No answers, just some thoughts. My best to you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your thoughts. I definitely know that it isn’t easy or comfortable to go to those difficult places within myself. But then again, I think I’m kind of already there… I think I was before I ever started therapy. The complete lack of self-confidence, finding no self-worth, feeling like a failure… just hating myself. I don’t think those things are ever going to go away. I think I need to handle them differently. Maybe make those thoughts less severe. Of course, I may sound like a complete idiot because I am not and never have been a therapist… so what do I know?
      I guess what I do know is that I have been paying for more stress and anxiety than I had when I started (and I can’t afford it anyway). Yeah, they say it gets worse before it gets better… but ‘the worse’ part is ruining my life, worse than before. Also, is the ‘worse’ part going to go on for years? Because it seems to me that the biggest change I’ve seen after months of therapy is the ‘worse’ part growing. When people around me notice that my mood turns to crap for 4 or 5 days every two weeks (which is when I have therapy), it feels like something is wrong.
      But all of that being said, when you said this: “There is always later – but then the question is whether you really want to put it off?” I started to cry… because that tells me that stopping or pausing any of this is wrong because I’ll ruin more of my life. And since I blame myself for everything, even things I have zero control over, I assume that whatever happens is my fault. I assume whatever decisions I make are wrong. I can pick A or B and it will be wrong.
      Yet I also have the thought gnawing at me that I’ve wasted my life feeling this way. Quickly followed by thoughts of hopelessness and pointlessness… this is just who I am and it’s never going to change much…
      And something did happen toward this decision yesterday and I felt some relief, but after reading is it the therapist or is it me… and whether I really want to put it off…”, I think yesterday was wrong so I’m right back to bad. Yep… every decision is wrong…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh dear. You are so hard on yourself. And perhaps that’s where the work has to happen in or out of therapy. I didn’t mean to imply that therapy is the only avenue to healing. It certainly isn’t. You are not wrong to make choices, not wrong to stop therapy, not wrong to change your mind, not wrong to make mistakes. All part of being human. Be gentle with yourself, Sandra. Give yourself a hug and tell yourself that you are beautiful, talented, kind, loveable, forgiveable, valuable, and above all human with all the strengths and frailties that come with it. You are worthy of your own compassion. Breathe, make the decision that you know you want to make. Then hug yourself again. ❤ ❤ ❤

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        • ♥ Thank you so much. I admit that I find at least 90% of what you just wrote hard to believe. I never understand how anyone else can possibly believe them. But thank you for saying them. It means a LOT to me that anyone even thinks to say such things about me. ♥
          I question everything I do. Should I have bought the green grapes instead of the red ones? Crap… I should have bought the green. I kid you not — even stuff like that. The words “you are incredibly hard on yourself” (with huge emphasis on the word ‘incredibly’) were spoken by my therapist about 5 minutes into my first appointment. I don’t know how to not be that way. The best I do: I’m good at designing, writing, baking, and math. BUT even then… it’s always followed by… “but not as good as…” Always “but” something.
          Maybe all of this is because I don’t think I can do it. Maybe I’m not strong enough to do it. Maybe I’m too lazy to do it. Maybe I don’t care enough about myself to bother. Maybe I don’t think I deserve it. Maybe I’ve already given up. Maybe all of these things…

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          • Those “buts” are annoying aren’t they? Has anyone ever mentioned trying positive affirmations? Sometimes they work like magic. Louise Hay wrote a book in 1984 called You Can Heal Your Life. In it she suggests writing positive affirmations (one or more) and plasterng copies all over your house (bathroom mirror, refrigerator door, TV remove, phone, steering wheel). Whenever you see one you read it. They’re to be written as if what you want is already yours, so no “I will,” just “I am” or “I have.” Another thing about affirmations is that they’re pretty specific about what you want. So, just as an example. “I, Sandra, have a job that pays well, uses my talents, and has room for growth. I am appreciated for my work and enjoy my coworkers. I am competent and value the work I do.” You could also do one on decision-making “I, Sandra, make excellent choices based on the information I have at the time. I do not sweat the small stuff, and if I make a mistake, I learn from it and let it go.” and valuing yourself, somethiing like, “I, Sandra, am a good person, talented, kind, hardworking, loveable and fun.” You get the idea. It feels really weird at first, but that’s just resistance. It gets easier. And best of all, this doesn’t cost anything. I’d recommend the Hay book. Sorry about all this advice, which you’re certainly free to ignore. It’s just hard to see you struggling. My best to you. ❤ ❤

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            • I have always resisted things like that. I think it just seems ridiculous to me because I don’t think I’ll ever believe it. It’s Stuart Smalley… “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.” (I am showing my age…) Anyway, it’s exactly like you said… it feels weird! Of course, I think I’ve only had mild success with what I’ve tried so far… I need to try EVERYTHING… Thank you again for your wonderful support. It means so much to me. ♥

              Liked by 1 person

  13. Pingback: decision. | what sandra thinks

  14. I have dreaded therapy when I’ve gone. And if I’m being 100% honest with myself, it’s because the root of the problem is amazingly painful to address. Therapy is WORK. That said, I read many of the comments and it sounds like you’d benefit from one who’s more intuitive than the one you have now. Just ask your doc for a different name; there’s no need to confront the therapist directly. 🙂

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  15. Have you considered sending this post to your therapist? It might help the two of you sort out what’s going on and how to go from there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t currently have a therapist. My nurse practitioner doesn’t think I’m in a place right now where therapy is going to work for me… and I fully agree with her. I’m not sure I’m ever going to feel ready for that because I still think therapy is a bunch of crap. I know it works for some but I’ve never gotten anywhere with it. But the nurse I see — yes, she knows all of this.

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