This is a follow-up to my last post… indecision. And I don’t mean to be redundant, but I may repeat some things I discussed with some of you in the comments of that post.
I questioned whether or not to publish this post… because while you already know I’m a mess, I think this might push me past ‘mess’. If I freak out, I might end up removing it… I don’t know…
Due to today’s blizzard (Thursday’s blizzard… it’s after 2am, so it’s technically Friday now), my therapist asked if we could reschedule today’s appointment for yesterday. So that happened. I was stressed as fuck because I hadn’t made any decisions about anything. And I lost 24 hours. Of course, let’s be realistic. Another 24 hours wasn’t going to help one damn bit. But I kind of did decide something…
I decided not to make a decision.
I couldn’t stand the back-and-forth in my head. Losing 24 hours was a gift.
So I went to see him without a clue what I was going to do. I arrived and everything went as it normally would. Until he asked me if I had anything else I wanted to mention before we moved on. So I started talking and before I realized what I was saying, I was telling him about the dread. About the anxiety and moodiness that came days before every appointment… and often stayed until a day or so after.
He asked a few questions. One was whether or not I’d felt this way with therapy in the past. Not to this extent… I was completely honest. Most of my previous therapy was the ‘just sit there and talk’ kind. And I quickly came to wonder if he was trying to get me to realize or admit that I just didn’t want to do the work. But maybe not. I don’t know…
I don’t mind doing the work. And I do it the best I can. Sometimes, I think it might be helping. As I mentioned here before, I notice some small changes. Of course, even when I do the work, I never feel like it’s enough. Even if I diligently do every single thing he and I discuss, I never feel like it’s enough.
Maybe ‘never enough’ comes from my dreams of thinking I would (or wishing I could) see more progress by now.
Not enough. He said ‘not enough’ isn’t really a thing. [Not his exact words… my crappy paraphrase.] He has said all along that we do what we can. If I don’t do what I wanted to do or was ‘supposed to’ do, it means I couldn’t. I was not capable of doing it at that time. And then I say, ‘Even if I knew what I needed to do but just didn’t?’ He said yes – I did what I could and I didn’t do more because I couldn’t. Doesn’t matter why I couldn’t. If I didn’t do it, it was because I couldn’t. That’s it. Try again later. Don’t beat myself up over it.
He also said that adding anxiety to my anxiety was not a good thing for me. ‘I know but…’ And… he stopped me.
And then he made my decision for me. Okay, not really… but kind of.
“This might be a good time to take a break.”
Hm. So this is his idea.
See what happens… take away that anxiety for a bit and see what happens. Come back anytime… schedule something now, contact him later. Whatever works for me. Because adding to my stress level isn’t a good thing. It’s only going to make everything harder. Or it’s going to overshadow what we’re working on. Really, it already was…
I told him a break might be a good idea but I immediately second-guessed that. I didn’t want to do the wrong thing. But I was desperate for relief from the stress. He thought I needed a break from that and so did I, but you know me. I doubt every damn thing I do.
He told me he thinks a break is the right call. He sees this break as part of my therapy – a next step in the process.
Of course, I never mentioned my thoughts about trying a different therapist.
I am not sure if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know what it would feel like to think I am doing the right thing because I never feel that.
Was I relieved after all of this because now my brain thinks I don’t have to do anything anymore? But I wasn’t thinking that at all before. I just thought he might not be the right therapist for me. But now that this happened, earlier today in the middle of doing something totally unrelated, it popped into my head that the things I was trying to do to get out of my rut – the things he and I decided I would do… I don’t have to do them anymore. But that’s not right. I never meant for this to be an excuse to stop doing the things I was doing… to stop trying, progressing. I never meant this to be me giving up. That was never my intention. But my own thoughts scare me. I don’t think I even know what my intentions are anymore.
Maybe I’m just trying to distance myself from yet another failure. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I can’t do this with any therapist and I’m just using the ‘wrong therapist’ thing as an excuse because I can’t do anything right. Maybe all of this is because I don’t think I can do it. Maybe I’m not strong enough to do it. Maybe I’m too lazy to do it. Maybe I want it to work now… or fuck it. Maybe it’s just too hard for me. Maybe I don’t care enough about myself to bother. Maybe I’ve already given up. Maybe all of these things.
I don’t know where this leaves me. Part of me was relieved. I thought I did the right thing… I thought I would be better not having that dread anymore. In fact, for the rest of the day after the appointment, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. If I had found time to write this follow-up post then, I think it would be a different post. But now I feel sick. Maybe that weight shouldn’t have been lifted from me. Maybe this really was just me quitting. Maybe I am lying to myself. Maybe I do that without even realizing I’m doing it.
All I know is… now, instead of dreading my next appointment, I hate myself for doing what may have been the wrong thing. Maybe the dread was supposed to happen. Maybe I was supposed to let it get even worse before thinking it would get better.
Every time I think, for even a split second, that I know what I need to do, it turns out not to be what I needed at all. Is that what just happened? For someone who overthinks everything to a ridiculous degree, I have no idea what the hell is going on in my head. I was trying to do something to ‘fix’ my dreadful situation… but did I just make a new one? My god, I am a fucking disaster.
[I’m sorry, again, for such a long post. Thanks for reading…]