decision.

cat music

This is a follow-up to my last post… indecision. And I don’t mean to be redundant, but I may repeat some things I discussed with some of you in the comments of that post. 

I questioned whether or not to publish this post… because while you already know I’m a mess, I think this might push me past ‘mess’. If I freak out, I might end up removing it… I don’t know…

↑↓

Due to today’s blizzard (Thursday’s blizzard… it’s after 2am, so it’s technically Friday now), my therapist asked if we could reschedule today’s appointment for yesterday. So that happened. I was stressed as fuck because I hadn’t made any decisions about anything. And I lost 24 hours. Of course, let’s be realistic. Another 24 hours wasn’t going to help one damn bit. But I kind of did decide something…

I decided not to make a decision.

I couldn’t stand the back-and-forth in my head. Losing 24 hours was a gift.

So I went to see him without a clue what I was going to do. I arrived and everything went as it normally would. Until he asked me if I had anything else I wanted to mention before we moved on. So I started talking and before I realized what I was saying, I was telling him about the dread. About the anxiety and moodiness that came days before every appointment… and often stayed until a day or so after.

He asked a few questions. One was whether or not I’d felt this way with therapy in the past. Not to this extent… I was completely honest. Most of my previous therapy was the ‘just sit there and talk’ kind. And I quickly came to wonder if he was trying to get me to realize or admit that I just didn’t want to do the work. But maybe not. I don’t know…

I don’t mind doing the work. And I do it the best I can. Sometimes, I think it might be helping. As I mentioned here before, I notice some small changes. Of course, even when I do the work, I never feel like it’s enough. Even if I diligently do every single thing he and I discuss, I never feel like it’s enough.

Maybe ‘never enough’ comes from my dreams of thinking I would (or wishing I could) see more progress by now.

diet-exercise-immediate-results-memeNot enough. He said ‘not enough’ isn’t really a thing. [Not his exact words… my crappy paraphrase.] He has said all along that we do what we can. If I don’t do what I wanted to do or was ‘supposed to’ do, it means I couldn’t. I was not capable of doing it at that time. And then I say, ‘Even if I knew what I needed to do but just didn’t?’ He said yes – I did what I could and I didn’t do more because I couldn’t. Doesn’t matter why I couldn’t. If I didn’t do it, it was because I couldn’t. That’s it. Try again later. Don’t beat myself up over it.

He also said that adding anxiety to my anxiety was not a good thing for me. ‘I know but…’ And… he stopped me.

And then he made my decision for me. Okay, not really… but kind of.

This might be a good time to take a break.

Hm. So this is his idea.

See what happens… take away that anxiety for a bit and see what happens. Come back anytime… schedule something now, contact him later. Whatever works for me. Because adding to my stress level isn’t a good thing. It’s only going to make everything harder. Or it’s going to overshadow what we’re working on. Really, it already was…

I told him a break might be a good idea but I immediately second-guessed that. I didn’t want to do the wrong thing. But I was desperate for relief from the stress. He thought I needed a break from that and so did I, but you know me. I doubt every damn thing I do.

He told me he thinks a break is the right call. He sees this break as part of my therapy – a next step in the process.

Of course, I never mentioned my thoughts about trying a different therapist.

↑↓

I am not sure if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know what it would feel like to think I am doing the right thing because I never feel that.

Was I relieved after all of this because now my brain thinks I don’t have to do anything anymore? But I wasn’t thinking that at all before. I just thought he might not be the right therapist for me. But now that this happened, earlier today in the middle of doing something totally unrelated, it popped into my head that the things I was trying to do to get out of my rut – the things he and I decided I would do… I don’t have to do them anymore. But that’s not right. I never meant for this to be an excuse to stop doing the things I was doing… to stop trying, progressing. I never meant this to be me giving up. That was never my intention. But my own thoughts scare me. I don’t think I even know what my intentions are anymore.

Maybe I’m just trying to distance myself from yet another failure. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I can’t do this with any therapist and I’m just using the ‘wrong therapist’ thing as an excuse because I can’t do anything right. Maybe all of this is because I don’t think I can do it. Maybe I’m not strong enough to do it. Maybe I’m too lazy to do it. Maybe I want it to work now… or fuck it. Maybe it’s just too hard for me. Maybe I don’t care enough about myself to bother. Maybe I’ve already given up. Maybe all of these things.

I don’t know where this leaves me. Part of me was relieved. I thought I did the right thing… I thought I would be better not having that dread anymore. In fact, for the rest of the day after the appointment, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. If I had found time to write this follow-up post then, I think it would be a different post. But now I feel sick. Maybe that weight shouldn’t have been lifted from me. Maybe this really was just me quitting. Maybe I am lying to myself. Maybe I do that without even realizing I’m doing it.

All I know is… now, instead of dreading my next appointment, I hate myself for doing what may have been the wrong thing. Maybe the dread was supposed to happen. Maybe I was supposed to let it get even worse before thinking it would get better.

Every time I think, for even a split second, that I know what I need to do, it turns out not to be what I needed at all. Is that what just happened? For someone who overthinks everything to a ridiculous degree, I have no idea what the hell is going on in my head. I was trying to do something to ‘fix’ my dreadful situation… but did I just make a new one? My god, I am a fucking disaster.

wave short line

[I’m sorry, again, for such a long post. Thanks for reading…]

©2017 what sandra thinks
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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43 Responses to decision.

  1. Debbie H says:

    Good post, and kudos to you for talking it through with all of us. Hope you feel OK. Take it easy on yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You don’t come over as crazy and I get what you are saying. Sometimes a decision can make things worse than not making one. Someone who also had some therapy passed this on to me. You can’t make a bad decision, because what ever one you make is the right one for you at the time. Not sure I 100% agree with it but I get what it’s saying.

    Stay strong.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m thinking if he agrees it’s time for a break, why not use this time to relax and focus on what helps you the most. Or, try another therapist to see if they’re better suited for you. This time is yours to decide for you what will work.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Halycon Prana says:

    Understanding yourself comes with time ( i know you hate that). Life is an experiment, trial and error is the only way to find out what works for you. I definitely agree that you need a break. Finding something that clears your thoughts and relaxes you is essential. Try and think of each choice or decision as a question mark instead of an exclamation mark, try to find the curiosity in each choice you take. noticing how you feel when you have chosen a decision, and where it takes you will help you learn what things work for you. You are already doing marvellously, so try not to doubt yourself. You are a very strong and brave person, don’t forget that!. You keep fighting, you keep growing. And remember, you are inspiring others with your openness. If only we had more Sandra in the world. Much love & peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Angela says:

    Maybe this is what he wanted you to think about….sounds like you doing the work to me…..

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Meg Sorick says:

    I think in this case, perhaps you have to trust his professional expertise. Maybe you do eventually need to work through the dread, but it might not be something you have to do all at once, lest you get overwhelmed by it. A break will let the anxiety settle. You’ve been given some tools to help you, continue to use them. Keep doing the things he’s taught you while you’re taking this break and when you resume, maybe you’ll be a slightly better place.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I think taking a break is reasonable, especially to keep your anxiety levels down. I’d have to agree that if you’re making yourself I’ll with anxiety over the appts, it might be harming more than helping. Nothing wrong with stopping for awhile or finding someone new. Hope you’ll keep us posted ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hey, I actually like his approach. No pressure, he’s ready to start again when you are, and taking that weight off, at least for a bit. I also agree that you shouldn’t beat yourself up so much. Now, this is the perfect time to reflect on what y’all worked on, try to implement, on YOUR own terms. Fly be free, ya’ know? 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Something went wrong earlier when I tried to comment. Hoping this one sticks. I’m so fucking proud of you. You were honest in your session with the therapist. You poured it all out here in this post. That takes guts….I believe when you write about these trials in life it’s somewhat helping you. You’re so much stronger than you think. Hugs Doll Face 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Miriam says:

    Good on you Sandra for opening up to your therapist and laying it all down for him. Now you need to stop second guessing and beating yourself up and use this time to rest and go easy on yourself. You’re stronger than you think my dear and you’ll get through this.

    Liked by 1 person

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