how I met their father. the final chapter.

the story of my love life:
Part 1 – Fame | Part 2 – Sandra Goes Wild | Part 3 – Sandra Grows Up… and Down | Part 4 – Uncomfortably Numb | Part 5 – What is Love? | Part 6 – The Love of Romance 

Part 7 – Let’s Go to Bed.
Part history, part philosophy, all me.

bed.

When I read about marriage, I’m somewhat comforted. After years together – life, jobs, children – a couple isn’t the same as they were when they started dating. It’s no longer all-consuming. Priorities and responsibilities change. The time devoted to only each other shrinks and what’s left of it is often invaded by everything else. And the physical part of the relationship often suffers. It suffers.

We’ve probably all heard the myth that claims men reach their sexual peak at about 18 while for women, the age is closer to 35. And we’ve all been bombarded [from everywhere – movies, television, books, people – everywhere] with the idea that men always want it but women don’t… Not tonight, honey, I have a headache.

I have never uttered those words in my life.

[Besides, everyone knows (or should know) that orgasms cure headaches. For everyone, right? It occurs to me at this very moment that maybe it’s just me. Good thing I can self-treat. But I digress.]

I want sex. I want to be kissed and to kiss. I want to make love and be made love to. I want it sweet and romantic and I want it wild and impetuous. I want it slow and I want it rushed. I want to be cherished and I want to be fucked. I want it all.

And I’m not getting it.

I know stress can really fuck with people’s minds. Oh hell, yes, I know… intimately. But that shouldn’t stand in the way of sex. Hell, sex should help that! But that was never the therapy he was looking for. In reality, he wasn’t looking for any therapy. We drifted and the longer this goes on, the farther we drift. It’s not just him. It’s me, too.

Oh, I still want it all (as noted above). It’s just that I’ve drifted to a path where I don’t want it with him. I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling, if you will… with him. But god knows I haven’t lost it at all otherwise. It’s only grown.

John knows I’m a romantic and he knows he’s not. And I think this makes John believe that I need big romantic gestures. But I don’t. Oh, I might like that – sometimes. (And I do not mean flowers and chocolates and anything you’ve ever seen in a jewelry store commercial.) But other times I just want to fuck, no big romantic gestures required. I want to be interrupted even when I look busy. I want to be grabbed because my man cannot possibly wait to have me. I want my man to ruin dinner.

Of course, none of this is especially realistic with two children. But they do go to sleep at night.

A few times, I tried talking to John about this [when I was still remotely interested in sex with him]. I told him what I wanted [again, back when I still maybe wanted him, but let’s be real… by then, I just wanted someone]. And a few times, it worked… but it never stuck. Kind of like many other conversations we have. He listens and maybe it sinks in… but before long, it’s out of his mind and gone… until the next time I talk to him about said topic.

However, I have discovered that if I ‘give up’ and stop talking about something for a while, eventually he may raise the issue himself. I feel that this is a miraculous revelation. And it’s great because sometimes, I’m done with talking.

divider dots.

love tattoo.

I love words… but only if they have meaning.

If the words ‘I love you’ are muttered so often, so automatically, so habitually without thought, they lose meaning. I’ve been guilty of this. It was a reflex with us… like saying goodbye. In fact, it was goodbye. Iloveyoubye. A single word. A word that ended of every phone call. The last word John and I used to say to each other every time one of us left the house without the other. But we don’t even say it anymore. I can’t remember when I stopped, but I stopped first.

[Aside: I tell my children I love them all the time but somehow, it holds meaning with them. And I can’t imagine taking that away because it’s something I didn’t have as a child. My parents loved me – they showed it… they just didn’t say it.]

I have been with John for a long time. We bought a house. We got married. We made babies. We love our children. But I don’t love him. Not the way I should love my husband. Maybe not any way. I don’t know if he loves me. But for reasons that are not at all about love, I cannot see myself leaving him.

Were we ever in love?

I don’t know. Maybe I never knew. I know that I’m not in love now. What I do know is that I am in love with being in love. And that blurs things. It fucks with your head. It fucks with my head.

Most days, all of this gets to me and I feel terrible, lonely, broken.

Other days, I half-way accept that this is just what my life is and try not to let it break me.

divider dots.

wedding couple.

Do I want more? Fuck yes. But no matter what anyone claims, we all want more sometimes – more of any of a billion different things, but more nonetheless.

I will even admit that I have thought about having my needs met by another. But it has never gone past thinking. Lots of thinking. I’m no angel but I don’t know that I could go through with it. And it’s not like I’ve got a willing partner waiting for me to abandon my morals anyway. [Although the phrase ‘abandon my morals’ sounds fucking great right now.]

So… John and I carry on. We will talk. Although mostly about kids and finances and other general goings-on. But about us? Not anymore. I was the only one who ever brought us up, and I gave up a long time ago. I don’t even want us anymore. But… we still laugh with each other and at each other because that’s who we are. We will not sleep togteher. We will not have date nights because we both think the idea is ridiculous. [If it works for you, go for it. It’s not for us.] We will co-exist.

And we will take care of each other and our children because that’s who we are, too.

But at the end of the day… something is most definitely missing.

But is this really the final chapter???


heart.

©2016 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in love, personal, relationships, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

126 Responses to how I met their father. the final chapter.

  1. Enough!!! I want to read about how you met Lonely Author. lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That level of comfort certainly comes with time, and the ebbs and flows of long-term happen. Kids certainly complicate it. But I hope y’all never lose the passion. Without that, there’d be no house, kids, or pillow to hide from zombies. The two of you were the swizzle stick that mixed the drink. Never forget that. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    • Love that metaphor! Since I’m apparently the sex-crazed one in this relationship, I will not forget about the swizzle stick. Literally, that’s going to be in my head all day… 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t know what it’s like to not want her. We still go crazy on each other, and join in sanctuary from the world, even after 24 years. Hope he helps you keep stirring! 😃

        Liked by 1 person

        • That’s wonderful. Thanks for rubbing it in! 😀 D 😀 I’m kidding. It is nice to know relationships like yours exist… I just wish mine was more like that… so I’m quite envious! I can come up with a few solid reasons for us… but they are nearly all things he needs to deal with… I can’t “fix” them for him. God knows if I could, I would!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Do you mind if I ask how old y’all are?

            Liked by 1 person

            • I don’t mind of you ask… But I’m not sure I’ll answer. 😀 My kids are 8 and 11… We didn’t have them very early but not very late either…I’m sure your guess will be close… And John is slightly older than I.

              Like

              • I’m 47, and we had our kids in our mid-30’s then late -30’s. I’d guess y’all are a little younger than us. Ya know, when you’re a bit older, and kids rule your world, work, lower energy levels, etc, passion sometimes takes a backseat. We do have a great relationship and we lust each other. But we have ebbs and flows too. It’s not uncommon, even though it may seem like it. I know you said y’all aren’t into the date night thing, but it’s beneficial for a reconnect every now and then. Doesn’t have to be weekend getaway or a fancy dinner. Hell, we just peruse antique malls and flea markets sometimes. The point is, it’s just you two, no ther distractions, doing something fun together. Like before kids? When y’all started mixing that drink? Just a suggestion, but maybe some time that’s just you two may help?

                Liked by 1 person

                • Kids really do take over…and other “practical” things too… I was laid off, still looking for a job… money is stressful. Maybe time alone would help us… if my father-in-law can watch the kids… 🙂 He does it for free. But you know what happens when we don’t have the kids? We do separate things we want to get to without kids home… Or we are together…And we talk about the kids! 😀 I guess we need to make a rule! And a suitable punishment if one or both of us break it.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • I hear ya. It’s hard, with the stress of life, and money issues certainly complicate it. Hell, even just sitting and talking at night, after kids asleep, but not about them. About your days, life, music. Anything really. So long as y’all are connecting. You should be each others escape from the rest of the world, the oasis in the desert of noise. I don’t know how to tell ya to get there, but I hope y’all find it. It doesn’t sound like you have a bad relationship at all, but coming to each other for refuge makes it that much better.

                    Liked by 1 person

  3. I know what you’re feeling, I’m experiencing the same thing with my husband- the sexual slow down part. The poor man has a very stressful job and is tired at the end of the day. I don’t feel unloved though… He touches me often, kisses me and makes me feel wanted. But… Oh well, it’s pretty awesome when it does happen. It’s just not often enough in my opinion! Talking about it is good, being up front about your needs and maybe asking him about his? Is there something he’s got on his mind? I want you to have your happy ending!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yeah… I know what gives him stress and I’m sure that contributes to the slow down… And I also have my own theories. Unfortunately, most of these things I cannot do anything about them. He has to do something…And that’s a lot harder for me to make happen!

      I mention my needs in my own not-so-subtle manner kind of often… But I don’t want him to feel like I’m harping on it either. I can ahem take care of myself but I’d love him to be involved more often.

      I’m glad that you don’t feel unloved and get the touches and kisses and wanted feelings. Honestly, sometimes I DO feel unloved. I know it’s not intentional on his part. I just miss him… miss the attention… miss other things. And I hate to admit this because I think it’s kind of embarrassing, humiliating, etc… But he rarely kisses me. I mean, he kisses me but he rarely KISSES me. I truly think if I had more of this stuff… touching, kissing, a grope here and there… the unloved part would go away and then I’d just be a hornball. 😀

      Thank you so much for your kindness and support! Big hugs

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. Life has so many changes and stages. I know sometimes life can seem bleak, but the sun WILL rise again, just not always when we hope it would. Know you are loved and cared for. You are very special, my new Friend. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The V Pub says:

    The bane of marriage, right? That ebb gets longer than the flow. Sigh.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Haylee says:

    I think I feel this way a lot of the time. I’m definitely the more demonstrative one in the relationship. But companionship and being with someone that makes you laugh and interests you is far more important in my book. And it seems like you have that, which is good!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Miriam says:

    What a great post Sandra, thanks for being so honest. I can relate to so much of this, especially after being married for so long. So often I feel the passion’s gone and as though the words “I love you” (which we say to each other every day) are automatic, but then the tiny gestures come and I know that he really does mean it. Last night, after dinner, when the kids had left the table we started really talking and out of the blue he said to me “you’re hotter now than when we got married!” Which was probably one of the sexiest things he’s ever said to me! Then, later that night, as we were packing for our camping trip, we had a very impromptu interlude at the door of the camper. 🙂 So there’s proof of words in action, for all of us. I enjoyed your post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I am hotter now than when we got married! But I have not heard those words from John… although I think he thinks them. He has a lot of trouble saying those sorts of things. He seems to think it’s out of character for him (and it is) and he feels awkward. And I admit, if he suddenly started sounding like a lifetime movie, I might giggle…but would secretly enjoy it! 🙂 We do have interludes… but they’re not nearly as romantic add yours sounds! I’m glad to hear about your evening! That is very sweet. Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

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