hoping like a pessimist.

I am currently unemployed and have been for a while. I welcomed my layoff, a result of downsizing during a corporate merger. It came at a time when I was ready for a break and for a chance to be full-time mom for the first time since my last maternity leave ended nearly eight years ago. I have enjoyed my break. Maybe too much.

Oh yes, we saved many, many dollars keeping the kids home with me after school and during summer and other breaks. But those saved dollars don’t equal a salary. I need a job.

Unfortunately, I don’t want one. At least not one for which my resume proves I’m qualified. Qualified. I never did take that writing class.

What kind of job do you want? I don’t know.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I don’t know.

What did you like about your last job? The short commute (until the office relocated) and some of my co-workers.

Okay, to be fair, I enjoyed the research. My mind, contrary to my artistic tendencies, is quite analytical. Math has always been easy for me. When the numbers don’t add up, I like figuring out why. But I want more than that. I need more than that. I want to be proud of my work on a non-mathematical level. And, my God, the thought of another corporate job, with all its politics and and other assorted BS, nauseates me.

I want to write. I want to create. And I’d love to do so from home. And get paid for it. Saving the cost of childcare and having an income? I’m not going to lie… that would be stupendous.

My head knows I have to get out of dreamland, but the rest of me is fighting to stay. I know how bloody unlikely it is that I will ever find anything meeting all my perfect little conditions. I have dreams, not delusions.

Optimism is not in my wheelhouse. Hope is, but optimism… not so much. My brain is already telling me I will take the corporate route once more, out of necessity. At the very least, I hope to land at a company with a mission I believe in. I need to have some level of passion for what I do or I’ll fall right back into the same soul-sucking environment I was thrilled to escape. I may have to get that passion from what I do outside an office. But it would be exhilarating to feel that everywhere – at home, at work, and everywhere in between.

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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2 Responses to hoping like a pessimist.

  1. Pingback: one word is all it takes. shhh. | what sandra thinks

  2. Pingback: school and the end. | what sandra thinks

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