opening the gates of hell.

I had to do it. I had to send my resume to someone. I hated to do it but I did it anyway.

I have zero desire to ever again do anything on that resume. But what choice did I have? We need the money. Should I have lied about my past experience? That would never work for many reasons, the big one being my poor skills as a liar.

And therein lies a huge part of the problem. I’m a terrible liar. In the repugnant corporate world, you have to be a good liar. You have to be phony. You have to be outgoing and social so you can be popular. My God, it’s high school! I am none of these things. Certainly not outgoing or social, and entirely unable to be phony enough to fake it. I prefer working alone. Just give me something I don’t completely hate doing and a big cup of coffee and leave me to it. I detest pretending to be anything I’m not. It’s painful and exhausting and soul-sucking.

At this moment, I honestly do not know how I’m going to get through this. I am a bit reclusive by nature, and after being out of the corporate nightmare for this long, I am legitimately concerned that going back in could cause me a serious psychological breakdown. In my brain. In my very core. It feels like the most horrible thing on earth right now.

I know my mind loves to magnify things to a ridiculous degree. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe I will get lucky and end up at a company without the exorbitant amount of corporate politics and BS my last job had. Maybe.

But I find this hard to believe. Because I am a terrible liar.

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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1 Response to opening the gates of hell.

  1. Pingback: school and the end. | what sandra thinks

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