I had to do it. I had to send my resume to someone. I hated to do it but I did it anyway.
I have zero desire to ever again do anything on that resume. But what choice did I have? We need the money. Should I have lied about my past experience? That would never work for many reasons, the big one being my poor skills as a liar.
And therein lies a huge part of the problem. I’m a terrible liar. In the repugnant corporate world, you have to be a good liar. You have to be phony. You have to be outgoing and social so you can be popular. My God, it’s high school! I am none of these things. Certainly not outgoing or social, and entirely unable to be phony enough to fake it. I prefer working alone. Just give me something I don’t completely hate doing and a big cup of coffee and leave me to it. I detest pretending to be anything I’m not. It’s painful and exhausting and soul-sucking.
At this moment, I honestly do not know how I’m going to get through this. I am a bit reclusive by nature, and after being out of the corporate nightmare for this long, I am legitimately concerned that going back in could cause me a serious psychological breakdown. In my brain. In my very core. It feels like the most horrible thing on earth right now.
I know my mind loves to magnify things to a ridiculous degree. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe I will get lucky and end up at a company without the exorbitant amount of corporate politics and BS my last job had. Maybe.
But I find this hard to believe. Because I am a terrible liar.