I don’t usually post things like this, but this one… I made it myself. When I heard this the other day, it stuck with me… more from my writing perspective than from a reading one… but still. I hate endings…
This is a poem (or is it really a poem?) I wrote back in February of 2016. It came up in conversation with a friend today… she didn’t remember it so I thought I’d repost it.
When I wrote it, I was messing around with the words… and I made the words into a shape… hope that comes across on whatever device you may be using. (But the crappy reader will probably fuck it up…)
Try this one — my favorite You’re not supposed to be here. Don’t worry, I waited ‘til I was alone. Before you brought me this lacey thing? Yes because I knew I had to see you
Wearing this one immediately
I can be quiet, I promise
No one will ever know
I’ll keep whispering as long as
We’re here in this tiny space but
I can’t promise to keep my hands
To myself when you show me how
Deliciously sexy you look in this
Tiny black thing that had to be
Made for you… only for you
Or maybe it’s really for me
If there was any doubt in my mind that I hate Christmas, it’s gone. No doubt left. I hate it.
Today I thought I should try doing a little Christmas shopping with my lack of money. Stressful even before I leave the house. But I needed to get a couple of things, including something for that damn j-o-e-y swap. (Love you, Joey… no offense.)
Well.
I won’t bother detailing the entire experience. But I’ll tell you that the end result was… socks. Not even a Christmas gift… my daughter just decided to tell me this morning that all her socks are too small and she has none… thanks for letting me know, kid! Socks. Oh, and how could I forget the phone call to Mom and tears streaming down my face in the middle of Target. Can I ever show my face in there again?
I can’t wait ‘til January. Why did I wait until now to do this crap? I want to order online. I assume it will still get here in time. But part of me doesn’t even care anymore. Part of me never cared in the first place.
Bite me, Christmas.
And… before all of that happened…
This morning I was in the shower where I usually do lots of thinking (too much). But sometimes I do get great ideas while I’m in there. Too bad my memory sucks and I usually forget them all. Anyway…
I was washing my face when I heard this loud banging thud. Oh Fuck. Someone broke into the house. Someone drove their car into the house. The water heater exploded. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I turned off the water and dried myself as quickly as possible. Sure, maybe I was about to be murdered, but I was not going to track water all over the house. I don’t want to have to clean that up!
I wrapped the towel around me started frantically running around the house trying to figure out where the noise came from. No one in the house with me. Good. No car in the living room. Good. No basement explosion. Good. Note to self: be careful running naked, but for a towel, down the basement stairs. Of course, I don’t know what I thought I was going to do if there was someone in the house… you know, having broken in through the basement back door. I didn’t have a weapon. I didn’t even have clothes. What the hell was I going to do? Whip them with my towel?
I called my husband at work. He said if nothing looks wrong, he’s sure everything’s fine. Super helpful, as always.
And after all of that, I had to get back in the shower because I hadn’t fully rinsed the conditioner from my hair.
I have a theory and it starts with you on the day you left me broken and alone when I cried until sunrise and only wanted sunset so I could hide in the dark until you returned but you never came back and I think that is why I have felt abandoned from that moment until forever
The most wonderful time of the year? I don’t think so. I like the song (when sung properly by a man), but I just cannot agree with the sentiment.
It used to be wonderful when I was a kid. And I’m sure it still is for my kids. But even so, the capitalist takeover has ruined it. Yeah, I know… think about the ‘true meaning‘ of Christmas. But it feels like that is the true meaning at this point… spend and consume and spend more. Besides, the ‘true meaning‘ has always been lost on me. I am not even a little bit religious. I’m not even sure I can honestly say I have a religion at all.
And that whole ‘giving back‘ thing… ‘don’t do gifts at all‘…? Umm… no. My kids would hate me forever… and I wouldn’t blame them. I don’t have much to give but I’m giving it to my kids. And no, just giving them my love isn’t enough. [So corny… Barf.] That’s just not how Christmas is. Christmas was always about Santa to me. Fuck, it’s bad enough that my nephew is a little shit and he brags if he gets more gifts than my kids. I’m not going to have them get nothing!
So… Christmas has become a bit of a nightmare. The crowds everywhere… the traffic… the rampant rudeness… and the needless spending of far too much money… the greed… even the guilt… Ugh. Damn, I hate to even leave the house on the weekends. January can’t come soon enough for me.
Seriously…
Those gifts pushed as ‘stocking stuffers’ that cost $50 or more each? Maybe you’ve got money coming out your ears (or somewhere else), but I think it’s safe to say that most of us don’t. If I actually filled a stocking with these things, I’d already be at least $500 in the hole before I bought anything else. Only $99.99! Makes a great stocking stuffer! Bite me.
All those sales and crazy people freaking out on Black Friday to get televisions and thousand-dollar iPhones and other such large purchases… are they buying gifts? Are they really spending in excess of $1000 on a single present? Does everyone get one? Who gives out giant televisions as Christmas gifts? Damn… I wish I had that kind of money to spare. I still wouldn’t buy those things… but I wish I had the means to do so.
And the overload of cringe-worthy jewelry store commercials on television is nauseating. I have to keep a bucket by the couch so I don’t make a mess when I throw up. That one where the woman keeps dropping hints until the guy catches on…? If you have to ask him to buy it, it’s not the thought that counts because he didn’t think of it. It’s a meaningless piece of metal you guilted him into buying. And all the overly cheesy ones? With their horrible jingles and taglines? Just shoot me.
And the cars. Forget televisions… do people really buy someone a fucking car for Christmas? Maybe I’m a cynical bitch (really, no question) but I think she married him for the money.
I think I’m done bitching now. Probably. Stay tuned, though… I may still post my letter to Santa…
I miss the way You listened when I spoke You lay beside me when I woke You whispered into my ear You calmed my every fear You kissed me on my head You adored the words I said And I miss the way My eyes watched as yours would shine My heart felt when you were mine
I’ve spent so much of my life wondering what I should be doing… who I should be. Clearly that has gotten me nowhere since I still don’t know. But it shouldn’t matter, should it? Enjoy the moment and all that crap? I’ve never been good at that. I’m always wondering and worrying about something more… something better.
If only I had some idea… some answer… to what I was meant to be or meant to do. Maybe I would have had some direction. Maybe I could have accomplished something. Made a difference to someone. Mattered.
You’re probably thinking in clichés right now… ‘it’s never too late…‘ Blah blah blah. Just stop right there. Thank you.
Whether or not it’s too late is irrelevant anyway… since I still don’t have any ideas or answers.
Take a look around me Taking pages from a magazine Been looking for the answer Ever since we were seventeen You know the truth can be a weapon To fight this world of ill intentions A new answer to the same question How many times will you learn the same lesson?
I think they got it all wrong We just gotta hold on And on, and on, and on
‘Cause we’re gonna be legends Gonna get their attention What we’re doing here ain’t just scary It’s about to be legendary Yeah, we’re gonna be legends Gonna teach ’em all a lesson Got this feeling in our souls we carry It’s about to be legendary
This is what we came for And we couldn’t want it anymore We could never turn back now Got to leave it all on the floor Been dreaming of the payoff Through the struggles and the trade-offs Write in truth heading on the way up Tell them the truth but they think it’s just made up
I think they got it all wrong We just gotta hold on And on, and on, and on
‘Cause we’re gonna be legends Gonna get their attention What we’re doing here ain’t just scary It’s about to be legendary Yeah, we’re gonna be legends Gonna teach ’em all a lesson Got this feeling in our souls we carry It’s about to be legendary
Eventually they’re gonna know who’s right To make a stand you got to win the fight Can’t stand the heat then just stay out the light For you might never make it out alive You gotta live without the columbines They never want to hear your battle cry
Yeah, we’re gonna be legends Gonna get their attention What we’re doing here ain’t just scary It’s about to be legendary Yeah, we’re gonna be legends Gonna teach ’em all a lesson Got this feeling in our souls we carry It’s about to be legendary
what sandra thinks 