Day 5… the last day.
… My pal Beach tagged me to participate in the ‘a song a day challenge’… seriously, go see his gorgeous photos… son of a beach. Also, he is awesome.
The rules.
Post a song a day for five consecutive days
Post the name of the song and video
Post what the lyrics mean to you (optional)
Nominate two different bloggers each day of the challenge
I have now fully flaked out on the nominating part. As is my custom.
Believer.
This is a song about pain and darkness. You know… a song about me.
No… that’s a very self-centered thing to say. I’m pretty sure the song wasn’t written for me. But the message… it’s exactly how I think. And it’s comforting, validating, almost empowering to listen to this song.
I may have had an epiphany recently. I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid to tell anyone when I feel good because they’ll never want to hear me not feel good again. Oh yes, I absolutely do see how ridiculous that is. But there it is anyway. That’s my brain.
No one ever taught me how to handle pain. Maybe this is something I should have naturally figured out on my own… but I never did. I was taught to hide it… which, of course, made me ashamed of it. I drove myself mad trying to keep the pain and darkness to myself. And there was no point… because eventually, it was going to come rushing out of me with or without my permission. And it felt more ‘normal’ for me to express my pain… my darkness… whether through some creative means or just talking to someone who understood me… or who at least tried… instead of just walking away.
It took me a long time (and I’m not ‘done’ yet) to accept my pain and my darkness… To own it. To use it. To benefit from it. To recognize it as a strength, not a weakness. I fail at this a LOT. Some days, I stare into the dark and sob and wish things could just be easy… wish I was ‘one of those people’ for whom things just seem to always fall into place. Some days, I can’t stop dwelling on the things I’ve never had in my life or will never have again. [And no, I cannot make these things happen no matter how hard I work at it… not the things I want… they are largely out of my control…]
I’ve never felt that I ‘love myself’. I’m not even sure what that means. But there are parts of me I wouldn’t trade. Brains, creativity, talent, a few choice physical features, and yes… darkness.
I have this amazing friend who treats me with love and respect and kindness no matter what. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like her… but she may be the most supportive human being I’ve ever known. She once told me something that I’ve never forgotten. I’m going to butcher this because I don’t remember her exact words, but it went something like this…
Darkness is beautiful in you. Deep and mysterious… Your darkness makes you YOU.
Why would I want to lose the darkness? The trick is to keep it… but not let it break me. I’ll never master that… but maybe I’ll get better at it.
First things first
I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been, oh ooh
Second thing
Second, don’t you tell me what you think that I can be
I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh ooh
The master of my sea, oh ooh
I was broken from a young age
Taking my soul into the masses
Write down my poems for the few
That looked at me took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heart ache from the pain
Take up my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh ooh
Your spirit up above, oh ooh
I was choking in the crowd
Living my brain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You’re the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh
The blood in my veins, oh ooh
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
I feel sick. I have felt sick all weekend. I haven’t been able to be on my feet for more than 5 minutes at a time since late Friday night. This nausea is killing me. And then I get dizzy. And I have a terrible headache. And I want to sleep. But I can’t. The kids and dinner and the house and the dishes and…
what sandra thinks 