a song a day: day 5.

Day 5… the last day.
… My pal Beach tagged me to participate in the ‘a song a day challenge’… seriously, go see his gorgeous photos… son of a beach. Also, he is awesome.

The rules.

Post a song a day for five consecutive days
Post the name of the song and video
Post what the lyrics mean to you (optional)
Nominate two different bloggers each day of the challenge

I have now fully flaked out on the nominating part. As is my custom.

Believer.
This is a song about pain and darkness. You know… a song about me.

No… that’s a very self-centered thing to say. I’m pretty sure the song wasn’t written for me. But the message… it’s exactly how I think. And it’s comforting, validating, almost empowering to listen to this song.

I may have had an epiphany recently. I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid to tell anyone when I feel good because they’ll never want to hear me not feel good again. Oh yes, I absolutely do see how ridiculous that is. But there it is anyway. That’s my brain.

No one ever taught me how to handle pain. Maybe this is something I should have naturally figured out on my own… but I never did.  I was taught to hide it… which, of course, made me ashamed of it. I drove myself mad trying to keep the pain and darkness to myself. And there was no point… because eventually, it was going to come rushing out of me with or without my permission. And it felt more ‘normal’ for me to express my pain… my darkness… whether through some creative means or just talking to someone who understood me… or who at least tried… instead of just walking away.

It took me a long time (and I’m not ‘done’ yet) to accept my pain and my darkness… To own it. To use it. To benefit from it. To recognize it as a strength, not a weakness. I fail at this a LOT. Some days, I stare into the dark and sob and wish things could just be easy… wish I was ‘one of those people’ for whom things just seem to always fall into place. Some days, I can’t stop dwelling on the things I’ve never had in my life or will never have again. [And no, I cannot make these things happen no matter how hard I work at it… not the things I want… they are largely out of my control…]

I’ve never felt that I ‘love myself’. I’m not even sure what that means. But there are parts of me I wouldn’t trade. Brains, creativity, talent, a few choice physical features, and yes… darkness.

I have this amazing friend who treats me with love and respect and kindness no matter what. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like her… but she may be the most supportive human being I’ve ever known. She once told me something that I’ve never forgotten. I’m going to butcher this because I don’t remember her exact words, but it went something like this…

Darkness is beautiful in you. Deep and mysterious… Your darkness makes you YOU.

Why would I want to lose the darkness? The trick is to keep it… but not let it break me. I’ll never master that… but maybe I’ll get better at it.

First things first
I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been, oh ooh
Second thing
Second, don’t you tell me what you think that I can be
I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh ooh
The master of my sea, oh ooh

I was broken from a young age
Taking my soul into the masses
Write down my poems for the few
That looked at me took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heart ache from the pain
Take up my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh ooh
Your spirit up above, oh ooh

I was choking in the crowd
Living my brain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You’re the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh
The blood in my veins, oh ooh
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
Till it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My luck, my love, my God, they came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

© 2017 what sandra thinks
[Obviously I am not the owner of any rights to this song, video, or lyrics…]
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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28 Responses to a song a day: day 5.

  1. Great pick! You said it all: maintain the darkness the makes you you, but NEVER let it break you! Like we were talking about the other day, the creativity and sense of humor and even inspiration that comes from the darker side is amazing. Just tap into that keg of dark when needed, not rule your entire existence. Easy breezy, right? 😃
    Thanks for playing along! Hope it inspired a bit of mojo for the coming month. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The V Pub says:

    An awesome yet interesting choice, Sandra.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I do agree that the darkness is part of your personality and you make use of it well. Whatever works for you and doesn’t overwhelm you. Sometimes I feel the need to write about things in a humorous and upbeat way because I know that’s what people expect from me. And when I can’t, I have to just pull back. I don’t do dark well…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Tears reading this Sandra….You are one of the most incredible people I know. You see, by you writing about what you go through, it just might help someone else. You are strong in so many ways. I’m so fucking proud of you for writing this. I cannot say it enough, how talented you are and expressive. You’re pain and strength are part of your talents and your darkness puts out this amazing quality about you, you know this. And you’re embracing it, again, so proud of you. I can’t stop the tears, damn you, Hugs Sweetness!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww… I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make anyone cry! But… I am glad that you understood everything I was saying here. I’m not sure many did… hard to tell from the comments. But I’m not even a little surprised that you understand me. I wish I could say I feel as good as I felt when I wrote this, but it kind of varies. I don’t feel bad though… so, still better. And I wish I could grasp that I am any of the things you said… incredible, amazing and all of that. I’m not sure about those things… but I think I finally get that I shouldn’t try to change myself as much as handle myself differently. Anyway… you are the best and I hope you know that when you say things like this to me, I feel like maybe I’m worth it (whatever ‘it’ is). ♥ xo

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg Sorick says:

    There it is again, the melancholy leading to inspiration. Such a thing has always been the lot of artists, poets, musicians and writers. And as much as I feel it is integral to creativity, wouldn’t it be great to shut it down sometimes? We’ve had this talk before… how much of it would you give up to be at ease, to have a measure of happiness. And then on the other hand how much would losing creativity bear on our happiness? Around and around we go… That is the thing that troubles me – that it can’t just be tapped into at will. If you figure it out, be sure to let us in on the secret, love! Anyway, the song is a perfect way to end the series. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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