disillusioned.

I am disillusioned with life. Nothing has gone the way I thought it would or the way I wanted.

I thought I would fall madly in love.
I wasn’t sure I would have children or if I wanted them.
I thought I would live in a small peaceful town.
I thought I would have a career I liked and was good at.
I wanted to have self-confidence.
I wanted to learn to love myself.
I thought I would be happy.

The reality:
I am not in love.
I have children, but I am a crappy mom.
I don’t live in a small enough or peaceful enough town.
I don’t have a job.
I have no self-confidence.
I hate myself.
I am not happy.

(Not actually me hiding from my life.)

If I were stronger, maybe I could fix some of this. But with the last two—self-hatred and no self-confidence—I fail at every attempt to make things better. I think I haven’t found my “thing” yet.

I need something to believe in. Back in January, I wrote about my inspiration, which is my daughter. She found something to believe in when she needed it. She found what worked for her. Honestly, she’s had a bit of a setback recently, but I still think she’s stronger than I’ve ever been.

How does one go about finding something to believe in? I have no faith (religious or otherwise). I was raised non-practicing Catholic, but I disagree with so much of Catholocism that it isn’t for me. Sometimes, I question the existence of God.

That probably stems more from my dissatisfaction with life and my feeling that someone’s out to get me. Like: “God’s got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing” (Blasphemous Rumors – Depeche Mode). Everything goes wrong in my life. If God exists, he hates me. Therein lies my problem with God/church/religion.

[Plus, how can I be expected to believe in a god I was raised to believe in when, if I were born in a different part of the world, I’d have been raised to believe in an entirely different god or belief system? How is any one belief more valid than any other? Wars are fought over this. I don’t understand it. Who’s to say which belief system is “right”? Belief shouldn’t come from where you happened to be born, should it? That seems wrong to me.

If everyone was exposed to every belief system from the start, would everyone from one place choose to accept the same one? I seriously doubt it. If I was only ever exposed to vanilla ice cream, it would be the best and I’d love it. But once I’d been exposed to chocolate and coffee and pistachio, I’d choose the one I liked best, not the first one I ever heard of.]

I like the way Greek mythology uses stories and gods to explain everything—weather, seasons, sunrise and sunset, love, fire, hell, war, mischief, stars. But do I believe in it? I suppose not. Even if it is pretty cool.

(Not actually Ariel’s father, but Poseidon.)

Hm. How about astrology? I don’t think I believe in that. The healing powers of crystals? I don’t think I believe in that either.

What can I believe in to give me some sort of faith? Something to hold onto so I have hope? Something to give my life meaning? And maybe even give me a purpose?

When I asked google how to find something to believe in, the most popular answer was something along the lines of, “You don’t have to find something to believe in. When you are ready, it will find you.”

Right. So I do nothing and wait for some sort of magical belief to fall into my lap, thus giving me joy and hope? That seems far-fetched. And I’m not getting any younger. I don’t have time to wait. I’m falling apart.

(Not actually me waiting.)

Other things google told me to believe in:

Yourself
The goodness of others
The power of kindness
Your inner strength
Courage
Hope

I’m trying to find something to believe in that will give me courage and hope and inner strength and self-love. Those are the results I’m trying to achieve by believing in something bigger. Why does google not understand me? It’s so frustrating.

In trying to find something, I actually did a lot of reading about astrology and crystals. I just couldn’t wrap my head around either of those because I’m far too logical and analytical. I think I’m an evidentialist. I will only believe in something if I have evidence to support that belief. This is why I don’t have faith.

Or, oh damn! I might be an existential nihilist: Life has no inherent purpose, goal, or intrinsic value. It’s the belief that life is utterly pointless. That’s not going to be helpful.

This post took a philosophical turn. And I may or may not have alienated anyone who has strong religious beliefs. I’m not belittling or criticizing or downplaying anyone’s beliefs. This is just my [fucked up] brain.

Maybe I should try believing in, like, Thor or something. But that’s just Norse mythology instead of Greek. Argh. This is not helping.

(click image to view larger)

I believe in you, super hot guy.

p.s. — I believe in my sister. She sent me $100 today for no reason. With a card that said, “And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly, exceedingly rich.”

©2022 what sandra thinks