wst february 15. you won’t believe it.

you won’t believe it.

Honestly, I can’t think of anything you won’t believe. I tell you everything. Too much, probably. If you’ve been here for a while, you know me better than anyone in my offline life.

So I offer you this:

Things you *will* believe.

  1. I have been crying for 1-2 hours a day for almost a month now, with the exception of weekends. On the weekends, I only cry as long as it takes me to shower because I don’t want anyone to hear me.
  2. I don’t have anything of my own in my life so I focus too much on other people (read: my kids).
  3. I am desperate for someone to talk to on a daily basis. Kind of like daily therapy, but with a friend. That’s probably wrong because maybe a professional could help me, but I’m being realistic here. Therapy has never helped me. It’s a waste of money and time for me. At least with a friend, I would know they care about me more than just what is required of a professional (and, really, they’re not required to care at all). At least a friend would care about me until he/she got sick of listening to me and bailed (and I wouldn’t blame him/her for doing so). [Note: I have one person I communicate with most days, but I’m needy and desperate and I wish we had more time to talk.]
  4. I feel guilty for so many things. Not the least of which is that other people have terrible things happening in their lives so I should shut the fuck up about my “little” problems. (If only my problems felt anything close to little…)
  5. I can’t think of a single major decision I’ve made in my life that I don’t regret.
  6. Often, I think I would be better off alone. I don’t mean feeling alone (I already feel alone), I mean literally, physically alone.
  7. Everything in my life is bad, completely or in part. Nothing is good. And a lot of it, I don’t have the power to change. And the parts that I might have the power to change aren’t changing because I’m too weak to make that happen.
  8. I need someone to tell me “it’s gonna be okay” regularly. And maybe at some point, I’ll believe it. Right now, I don’t.

(But I am most definitely failing.)

I just thought of something for “you won’t believe it”.

I’ve only had one cup of coffee today.

(click image to view larger)

Perhaps you also won’t believe that I changed my guy. Yeah, there was meaning behind the first guy—Mr. Sexy Beach Guy—but I felt I was being unfair to all the other fine specimens in my “Men” folder. This one’s even wearing a shirt! It’s wet, but still.

p.s. — I’m not happy with my posts lately. They all morph into the same thing—my sadness, my anxiety, my fucked up life. I wish I had something else to write about, but as I’ve mentioned, I’ve become my depression. There’s nothing else to me anymore. My apologies.

©2022 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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16 Responses to wst february 15. you won’t believe it.

  1. scr4pl80 says:

    Well, your post made me sad and I don’t want to “like” it but I want you to know that someone is at least reading it so I will. I definitely have my own issues and could use some time alone as well but I’m not miserable. Hoping you can find some peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for reading. And I’m sorry I made you sad. For me, the “alone time” I feel like I need is to go away and never return and just be alone forever. Not that I would be happy, but maybe I’d feel better about not making everyone else around me miserable. And that’s why I’m always apologizing here. I feel like I’ll eventually drive everyone away.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. You are a good person. The world is really weird lately. I can’t tell you when things will be better but things will be different.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ogden Fahey says:

    You’re a bit moody I think 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  4. gigglingfattie says:

    Awwww big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It’ll be okay… ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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