she didn’t.
She didn’t know what to write for this one. So she’s going to use this post to write about whatever she wants.
[I’m not going to write this entire post in the third person, though, because that’s just weird and awkward.]
I’m going to talk about something that’s really not a big deal, but I’ve spend way too much time thinking about it. It’s who I am. Overthinker extraordinaire.
I’ve been thinking about redesigning this blog. Do people even visit my actual website (whatsandrathinks.com), or do you just read in the reader? (I loathe the reader.) Or do you read on your phone?
By redesigning, I really only mean changing my header image and background. I like the theme I’m using, and it’s been retired so if I switch, I can never get it back. (Bite me WP.)
But tell me this—do you identify me with the way my site looks now? Would it seem like it’s not me anymore if I change it? Is the site as it is now my brand? Should I not fuck with it? (Of course, it’s just a freaking header image and background. I can change it back. *rolling my eyes at myself*)
I’ve no idea why I’m overthinking this. I do it with everything. I hate it.
I’ve already designed six new header images. I enjoy doing that kind of thing. I wanted to change it to something kind of bright and cheerful, but that would definitely not be me. I tested it and it was totally weird. What’s kind of funny, though, is that my favorite new one is darker than what I have now. So much for brightening things up around here! I guess I am just a dark person.
That raises another matter entirely.
Here I am in darkness. (Not actually me.)
I’m stuck in darkness. I want to be happy, or at least work toward that, but it feels weird. It feels like it’s not me. My entire identity is wrapped up in depression and anxiety and sadness. If I’m ever in a (somewhat rare) good mood, I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I’m someone else. I don’t want to pretend to be someone else. (Even though I hate myself, so that makes no sense.) I already have to pretend too often in my offline life, and it’s fucking exhausting.
That horrible phrase “fake it ’til you make it” is so stupid. I have to fake it often, but it hasn’t changed me at all. It has just annoyed me that I can’t be myself without having to put on a show.
Damn, this is why I haven’t been able to overcome my sadness! I feel like I need it as much as I need coffee. Okay, no. I don’t need anything as much as I need coffee. But you get the idea. It’s like sadness (and/or depression and/or anxiety) is my thing. Like math is my thing. Know what I mean?
How do I dissociate myself from sadness/depression/anxiety?
And how do I stop overthinking things as ridiculously insignificant as my blog design?
(click image to view larger)
And am I going to change these guys? I think I want to pick just one. But not necessarily the same one forever. Ugh. I have issues.
p.s. — Apologies. This post was boring. I’m sure no one cares what I do with my blog design. I guess the married-to-my-darkness part wasn’t as boring, but still… I’m very sorry.
©2022 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Well, for what it’s worth, I struggle with changing my blog theme too, and I do come to the website to read yours, and everyone else’s for that matter. I can’t really help with the depression part. I’m not a psychologist but have you talked to one? I get sad and frustrated and angry but not usually so depressed that I can’t function, thank goodness. I find working in my studio making my cards and things is very helpful. Got a hobby?
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I’m glad you come to the website. I really enjoy designing. It might not be anything earth-shattering, but I think it looks good.
As for the depression, it’s a work in progress. It’s just taking a very very long time. I guess designing is my hobby. I also enjoy baking, but then I end up enjoying eating.
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I always visit the blog cause I like reading in your website.. that’s how its meant to be!
And I do like your theme! But I don’t associate you with your theme.. So if you do feel like changing your header image.. go ahead! Try changing it to the happier ones for sometime.. just to maybe subconsciously imprint on you.. if not, change it to the darker one! It’s okay!!!
.
Also I got lazy with this prompt as well.. oops
I tried incorporating it into the poem.. but I just couldn’t!
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I’m glad to know you visit the blog. I definitely think that’s how it’s meant to be. I enjoy designing so much that I have another blog that’s private – just for me – so I can experiment.
I think I’m going to have to work on it some more if I want to end up with something happier. That just doesn’t seem to work out. I really think darkness is trapped in me, stopping anything else from coming out.
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Yup, exactly! Oo wow. Happy experimenting!
It’s okay don’t try and force it out! And don’t think darkness is trapped in you, I think some of us accept and understand the darkness and that’s why it chooses to stay with us!
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I think I’ve been depressed for so long that I don’t know how not to be. I feel stuck.
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Maybe do one small thing differently.. maybe then it won’t make you feel monotonous..?
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Maybe. I’ve been trying to make small changes. It doesn’t feel very rewarding because they are so small, but too much at once is bad. I’m just not patient or determined enough.
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It’s easy to feel like it’s not rewarding but I’m sure sub-consciously your mind appreciates it! Too much at once is too bad..
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I’m just really struggling right now. Nothing is going well and I’m sad all the time. I cry too much, too. I’m just a mess.
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🫂🫂🫂 ❤
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Change is good and I visit your actual site. WP hates me so I don’t take changing the blog lightly. But do what you want to do and need to do.
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I’m so glad there are people out there who do come to my actual site. I didn’t know if anyone did! Thank you.
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I read your blog on your site, but I think you should do whatever you like with your theme and stuff. 🙂 I associate you with your words and your hot men and your PSes.
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Ahh… If only they were *my* hot men. 😏
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For real!
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