She didn’t know what to write for this one. So she’s going to use this post to write about whatever she wants.
[I’m not going to write this entire post in the third person, though, because that’s just weird and awkward.]
I’m going to talk about something that’s really not a big deal, but I’ve spend way too much time thinking about it. It’s who I am. Overthinker extraordinaire.
I’ve been thinking about redesigning this blog. Do people even visit my actual website (whatsandrathinks.com), or do you just read in the reader? (I loathe the reader.) Or do you read on your phone?
By redesigning, I really only mean changing my header image and background. I like the theme I’m using, and it’s been retired so if I switch, I can never get it back. (Bite me WP.)
But tell me this—do you identify me with the way my site looks now? Would it seem like it’s not me anymore if I change it? Is the site as it is now my brand? Should I not fuck with it? (Of course, it’s just a freaking header image and background. I can change it back. *rolling my eyes at myself*)
I’ve no idea why I’m overthinking this. I do it with everything. I hate it.
I’ve already designed six new header images. I enjoy doing that kind of thing. I wanted to change it to something kind of bright and cheerful, but that would definitely not be me. I tested it and it was totally weird. What’s kind of funny, though, is that my favorite new one is darker than what I have now. So much for brightening things up around here! I guess I am just a dark person.
That raises another matter entirely.
Here I am in darkness. (Not actually me.)
I’m stuck in darkness. I want to be happy, or at least work toward that, but it feels weird. It feels like it’s not me. My entire identity is wrapped up in depression and anxiety and sadness. If I’m ever in a (somewhat rare) good mood, I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I’m someone else. I don’t want to pretend to be someone else. (Even though I hate myself, so that makes no sense.) I already have to pretend too often in my offline life, and it’s fucking exhausting.
That horrible phrase “fake it ’til you make it” is so stupid. I have to fake it often, but it hasn’t changed me at all. It has just annoyed me that I can’t be myself without having to put on a show.
Damn, this is why I haven’t been able to overcome my sadness! I feel like I need it as much as I need coffee. Okay, no. I don’t need anything as much as I need coffee. But you get the idea. It’s like sadness (and/or depression and/or anxiety) is my thing. Like math is my thing. Know what I mean?
How do I dissociate myself from sadness/depression/anxiety?
And how do I stop overthinking things as ridiculously insignificant as my blog design?
And am I going to change these guys? I think I want to pick just one. But not necessarily the same one forever. Ugh. I have issues.
p.s. — Apologies. This post was boring. I’m sure no one cares what I do with my blog design. I guess the married-to-my-darkness part wasn’t as boring, but still… I’m very sorry.