Did you ever notice that when you’re not doing well and it feels like the world is collapsing around you, something even worse happens and you just want to crawl into a hole and die?
No? Just me? Okay.
I’m so exhausted that I’ve lost the will to fight.
I feel utterly alone because everyone around me either has their own shit or is part of the problem.
Don’t worry—I’m not going to hurt myself. But I am having a hell of a time finding a reason to live. The people who supposedly ‘need‘ me? No. What I bring to the table is more bad than good. They’d be better off without me. I would be better off without me.
You’re probably thinking, ‘damn, this bitch needs help!‘ and you wouldn’t be wrong. But I have help. It’s just not… helping. Not enough, anyway. I’ve had help in many forms at many times in my life, but it never truly changes anything. I don’t even want to dignify this topic with any more of my time.
This isn’t even really about me. It’s almost entirely not about me.
My kids are having some issues and I feel utterly powerless and helpless. And I also feel responsible. Everyone tells me I’m not, but I don’t believe them. And instead of making things better for my kids, I fear I’m making them worse. (See above, ‘What I bring to the table is more bad than good. They’d be better off without me.’)
I have been debating this post for a few weeks. I didn’t want to admit/acknowledge what’s going on with my kids because that makes it even more real. In case you didn’t already realize, I can’t bring myself to go into detail. It breaks me. And fuck knows I’m already broken. One more crack and I’ll turn to dust.
I hate that this has become about me in any way. I shouldn’t be thinking of how I feel. I should only be thinking of them. It’s just hard when this all affects me so deeply that I can’t breathe.
Tell me again how I’m of use to anyone? Right. I’m not.
—
“You’ve been the only thing that’s right…” —SP, 2004
p.s. — It’s not lost on me that I haven’t been around, and when I do show up, it’s like this. I would feel guilty if I had the will to do so. But… this is my place… my space. Maybe this is how I need to use it.
p.p.s. — In the moments when I am not completely closed off trying to build myself a nest of denial, I wish I had someone to talk to. But like I said in not so many words, I have no one. And I feel like asking for someone is selfish as fuck.
p.p.p.s. — Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been four months since my last post. And even before that, I have never been to confession.
©2021 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Ohhhh, Hang in there, Sandra. I hope that things take a turn for the better soon
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Thanks ❤
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As woo-woo as this may sound, and maybe it’s the last thing you want to hear, but the universe only gives you what you can handle. So you must’ve been deemed pretty capable to have so much on your plate right now.
And despite everything, you’re still here, so that’s something. Wishing you all the best regardless!
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I have certainly heard that before… but *am* I handling it? Doesn’t seem so. I think I must have been a horrible person in a past life and this is the universe’s revenge.
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I don’t know if you are a Christian but, God has a plan for you and for your children.
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I am not at all religious. I think if there is someone or some entity out there who has handed me this life, I must be a horribly evil person to deserve it.
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Good to see that Mr Sexy is still keeping you company. I think a peanut butter and jam sandwich is called for, twice a day, served on his torso. Hugs to you Sandra. 😻
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I was waiting for you… I knew you would leave a comment. I only wish it was some sage, even magical, advice to make things better. But no such advice exists, right? I’m glad you’re here anyway.
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Awwww Sandra!! You can email or message any time! Even if you just need to vent!
Xoxoxo
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Thank you. ❤ I just feel I am such a burden to everyone. And it’s not like anyone can help anyway. I don’t see things ever improving. I just don’t know how much more I can endure.
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You’re not a burden to me! Im sorry you are feeling that way my friend and I really hope things get better
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Thank you. I’m just having trouble fully confiding in anyone. Haven’t even talked to my mother about it. I’m embarrassed and ashamed about what’s been happening. If anyone finds out, they will see what a huge failure I am.
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I don’t think they will. Maybe try to talk to your mom about it. She can help?
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There’s really nothing she can do. It would just be for me to have someone to talk to and that’s not as important. I also want to respect my kids’ privacy. It’s complicated…
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Ah okies, makes sense.
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Sorry… I am a pain, I know.
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You are not! Far from it!
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I know that you have heard all the platitudes before and that they do not help. Kids are kids and there will always be difficulties. All we can do is steer them in the right direction and give them support if and when we can. Just being there is often all you can do. They will get through it, as will you. xx
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I want to believe that so much. I just don’t see a way for that to happen. I feel so helpless and useless and hopeless. I never expected my life to be perfect, but I never imagined it could be this bad.
You know, I haven’t been out of bed today except to drop the kids at school. Came home, went back to bed. I will drag myself up in a little bit and force myself to shower and pick them up. Then I will spend the rest of the afternoon wishing I could go back to bed but not doing so because I don’t want the kids to see me like that.
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This afternoon I slept for three hours and now I feel like I’m been working hard all day. I used to walk every day, for at least a couple of miles. I haven’t been able to since March but the more I sit and nap the more lethargic I get. I really must get out walking again. Little steps to start off. Will you join me? Half an hour, breathing in the air, listening to the birdsong, marvelling at the leaves and trees getting into Autumn (Fall) colours? I’ll do it if you will!
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I would love to say yes but I’m honestly not sure if my body can handle it. I have that awful back pain. I guess I could start small… a pathetic walk once around the block. My NP always mentions walking. I just haven’t been able to get myself to do it. It feels like moving mountains.
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Right, once round the block starting tomorrow. I’ll wave to you!
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Everything otherwise ok? 😉 Xx
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You’re very cute. Sadly, though, no. 😕
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So, have you been for a walk yet? I failed miserably but will get there soon. I promise. Meanwhile I saw this today and thought that it applied to you. You may not agree, but it’s my thought so there!
https://bikecolleenbrown.wordpress.com/2021/09/25/courage-is-2/
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I have also failed. Honestly, I kind of had intentions the first day, and then forgot completely.
I like the post you linked. I don’t feel courageous because a lot of what was in that post doesn’t apply to me. But I guess the point is that I have courage in my own way, but not in all of those ways?? I think I have to interpret it that way or else I don’t feel like I fit into that at all, you know?
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I thought there were bits of the post that were relevant but it is all a matter of interpretation. Keep on keeping on, and promise yourself to get out in the fresh air for a few minutes each day. x
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So sorry you’re struggling and that your kids are too. Wish I could help.
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Thank you. Sadly, I don’t think there’s anything anyone can do. There’s barely even anything *I* can do beyond what I’m already doing… and that doesn’t seem to be helping. Everything just feels so hard right now and I want to give up but I can’t. I’m not sure what hurts more–wanting to give up or not being able to.
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They need you to not give up💕
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I know they do. I want to be stronger for them… I just have to figure out how.
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It’ll get better!
You will feel better!
Just let all your emotions be. You don’t have to do anything about it i.e feel guilty or pained or embarrassed etc
Just feel that emotion and acknowledge and just let it be
Don’t give it a second thought..
It’ll be okay!
Lots of love
Dream ❤
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Thank you, love. ❤ It’s just that when things involve my kids, I feel completely helpless. I can’t fix things for them, and I think I do more harm than good. I’m tired of crying all the time (and trying to hide that from everyone). I’m tired of feeling hopeless. If I didn’t have kids, I think I would run away to my mom’s house and hide in the closet of my childhood bedroom.
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Understandably.. it sucks when you can’t do something to help.. but I think it’s really important for us to just be there and even though we feel useless.. just be there and let them know…. It’s hard but some lessons you just can’t learn if not from your experience… I know it’s so easy to say this.. and it won’t help you feel better. And I know, you know this.. but sometimes it’s okay to hear the same from someone else..
You are doing your best!! You are doing everything in your control! That’s important.. It’s just something’s lie out of our control and that sucks.. but the fact that you did everything in your control is what should be able to comfort you!
You are awesome ❤
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I don’t know if it’s because of my current emotional instability, but your comment made me cry. Not in a bad way. I think maybe it’s because I’ve been trying so hard to figure out how to help those around me, I haven’t tried to help myself at all. In fact, I’ve tried to hurt myself instead. Not literally. I just mean I haven’t been doing anything good for me, I’ve been doing things that are bad for me. Bad foods, lack of exercise, not enough or too much sleep. I think in my head I feel that if I can’t help those around me, I don’t deserve to feel good so I’m sabotaging myself in every way I can.
Thank you again for being here for me. ❤
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I hear you
But maayybbe think of it this way.. by helping yourself– just sleeping well or eating well or even taking a walk with your fav music on.. you are helping them! You are letting them know sub-consciously that whatever they are going through.. they will also feel better. That things will be okay. And maybe when you see that in them, you’ll feel even better..
I understand that sometimes(most times) our head gets in the way and becomes our own enemy (it’s cause, it freaking knows us so well) but sometimes you need to be like hey brain, shut up and let me be– some ways to do it– music, a good book, staring at Mr.Beach guy xD, or just meditating (personally I can’t meditate.. I just fall asleep/ overanalyse but if it works for you, yaay!)
Anytime ❤
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I have never actually tried to meditate. It’s been recommended to me… along with a host of other things (yoga, walking, drinking more water, better diet, etc.). I don’t do any of them. I think I’m deep in a hole of despair, and that’s preventing me from taking any action whatsoever to help myself. My eating, sleeping, and physical activity are all crap (along with my mental state).
I feel like I have some version of the same conversation at every appointment with my (mental health) nurse practitioner. the details are different, but it’s still essentially the same. We talk about focusing on the present, doing things that are healthy for me (physically and mentally) — and like you said, that those things will help my kids in the long run.
I struggle, though, to do things for me… to focus on me. I think it’s because somewhere inside me, I don’t believe I deserve good things or to feel good. So I just stay in this hole I’ve dug for myself.
So, yeah, my head definitely gets in the way. My self-worth is non-existent.
But I do read a lot. I kind of think I use that to avoid doing anything else that might be good for me. Ahh, see, I made it negative. I’m a mess!
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It’s okay.. we all are.. But I’m sure since you are aware of all these things.. that you know that they’re beneficial.. just says that you are atleast not in denial..
Mayybee– trick your brain into thinking.. I’m going on this walk because my kids need the home for xyz reason, I’m eating healthy because i am being a role model for my kids to eat healthy.. you see where I am going with this??
If our minds can get in our way.. let’s try to beat it in its own game!
P.S: Reading is definitely good for you! It has so many benefits, believe me!!!
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I would love to be a better role model for my kids. It’s hard for me to encourage them to eat healthy when I can’t seem to do it. Same with exercise or better sleep habits. I have to hand it to my daughter, though… she has a regular bedtime and wake up time that she set herself and sticks to. She does better than the rest of us and she’s the youngest person in this house!
I think maybe I’m just aware that I’m in denial!
I’ve read something like 20 – 25 books in the last two months. It totally makes me wish I could just be a character in one of those books.
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Deep post here Sandra. I like how you have detailed everything. First and foremost, do not ever see yourself as a failure, because you are not. You are not a failure, neither are you defeated. Rough patches come and go, but they are exactly that, rough patches (and nothing more). The situation seems out of line because it is not what you planned, but these things happen sometimes. Take it to God in prayer. God is able to strengthen us and to also change the people in the situation, or change the situation. Make God your confidant, and he will not fail you.
God says in Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
If you are interested in building a relationship with God, I have a post on that here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
There is much more to know about God. I post frequently on my blog about topics related to God. You are welcome to follow my blog to keep up with my content. https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/
-All the best. May God bless you.
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