Dear [my] Teenagers,
You’ve made it this far in life. [Okay, my girl, you are only 12, but you sure as hell act like a teenager, so go with it.] It’s not by accident that you made it here. You did have help along the way. And yeah, Dad helped, too. Seriously, though. I try my best. Am I the best mom? Hell no. Sometimes I don’t even think I’m a good mom. But I adore you both and would do anything for you. That doesn’t mean I’ll do it right. But I will do it.
Especially during these trying times (and they are really fucking trying times), there are some important things for you to remember. Some you may know, some you may not. Some you may know are meant for the other kid. Well, suck it up… you have to read them all anyway!
Please commit these to memory. There will be a test.
- Me not doing something for you isn’t a reason to get upset.
- Me doing something for you isn’t a reason to get upset either.
- And me doing something for you doesn’t mean I’ll do it for you for the rest of your life.
- Waking at 2:00pm is not ‘waking up early’.
- Waking up at 8:00am is not ‘sleeping in’.
- Me telling you what to do is not disrespectful. You not doing it is disrespectful.
- You are not the boss of me. I am the boss of you. I am the parent; you are the child. Please be sure to make the proper distinction.
- Fortnite is not a sport. Thusly, an Xbox is not a piece of exercise equipment.
- No, I don’t know what fucking day it is. Check your damn phone.
- Complaining about the same thing over and over again isn’t going to change shit. [Trust me, I know.]
- Yes, cooking for yourself is an important life skill. You really do need to learn how to do it. I know the gas stove has scary blue fire, but you’re going to have to get over it. I will also teach you about fire extinguishers.
- Likewise, laundry is an important life skill that you must master.
- Remember that we only have one bathroom. Plan accordingly.
- You need to work out your differences with each other. I am your mom, not your referee.
- Do as I say, not as I fucking do. Yes, this includes foul language. [And it includes cheesecake— I know I had two pieces but you only get one. I’m the mom. That’s the rule. Aaaand Dad doesn’t like cheesecake so it looks like I get three. If this isn’t worth becoming a mom, I don’t know what is.]
And remember… you will always be my babies. Even when you’re 50.
p.s. — I will give you an hour before the test to review. Starting… now. I sure hope you don’t get the cheesecake question wrong.