letters | s/sandra #atozchallenge

letters | a to z | what sandra thinks

Dear Sandra,

What the hell is wrong with you? You are such a mess.

You don’t do enough… not for your friends, not for your family, not for yourself. Hell, you just don’t do enough of anything. You couldn’t find a job so now you’re stuck at home (current world issues aside because you were already stuck). You can’t get yourself to accomplish anything even though you have time. You have no ambition… no motivation… no confidence. And you keep telling yourself that you’re worthless.

People do need you, you know. I know you think no one would care if you vanished. You think most people wouldn’t even notice. But deep down, you must know that’s not true… don’t you? Don’t you?? You matter to people.

You just don’t matter to yourself.

You’re weak. You can’t pick yourself up. You’ve been trying for so long. And you fail every time. What now? Giving up? Hey, maybe that’s your answer. Give up. It’s too hard anyway, right? Forget about getting better. I know that’s not the answer you want. But no one has another answer… not even you. You feel that you simply cannot be helped. I understand why you feel that way. You’ve tried everything in your power. Granted, you’re level of power sucks, but you’ve done what you can. Even therapists give up on you. Maybe they’re right. Maybe there’s nothing anyone can do for you. Maybe you really can’t be helped.

Your weakness, your worthlessness, your pointlessness… these are the reasons why you look to others for validation. You don’t think you have any worth, so you need someone else to tell you that you do. I understand that. It’s pathetic… but I really do understand. I wish you could have that constant pick-me-up. Maybe if you’d married better, you would have that. But that was another of your failures.

Of course, it’s not really anyone’s job to build you up all the time. That kind of makes you a selfish bitch. You do realize that, right? You’re supposed to be able to build yourself up. You can’t, though. You tell yourself all sorts of wonderful things, but they don’t help because you don’t believe yourself. You believe that other people believe the things they say, and that builds you up. But you can’t do it on your own because you don’t trust yourself. I know why. You’ve made so many terrible choices. You’ve failed so many times. I wouldn’t trust myself either.

I’m not going to sugar coat it… I don’t like being around you. I don’t like you. I know it’s harsh… but it’s the truth.

p.s. — At least you used to be able to use all these fucked emotions to write. Poetry, especially. What happened to that? God, you are so fucking frustrating!

 

         
©2020 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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14 Responses to letters | s/sandra #atozchallenge

  1. eschudel says:

    Sounds like what goes on in my own head…but I hope you also know that none of it is true…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I did not like this one 😦 I hope it was cathartic to get it all out and, like eschudel said, know that none of it is true!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Liam says:

    Damn, I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me or a friend the way I talk to myself.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I wish you could see what I see in you……one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever known. Your eyes are stunning….flawless skin…..mysteriously alluring and sexy. Your mind is brilliant and you are so talented with words and art. I just wish your mind wasn’t tormented by the sick entourage that has set up camp in there. You are fucking amazing. I adore you and worry so much about you. Just know I’m here for you….Always proud of you for putting your feelings out here and explaining what you deal with. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish I could see it, too. All I see is a failure who only manages to do the minimum to make it through life. And I’m barely making it. I’m only here for others and I don’t even think I do right by them.

      All I know is that I appreciate you so much and I’m not sure I’ll ever believe that I deserve your friendship. ♥

      Like

  5. This is a brilliant letter Sandra and must have been hell to write. I know that you agonise over whether to publish your thoughts like this. I’ve said it before, and it is worth repeating time and time again. You will come through this. You will learn to love yourself and appreciate all the great things about you. While you’re thinking about how wrong I am, and what a load of crap I’m writing, have a little sideways thought about continuing a series after this………….’A letter to **********’ You can choose historical characters, modern day stars, an illness, a politician, an inanimate object, or anything or anyone that takes your fancy. This A to Z has got you writing again. Interesting things. I want to read many more, and I’m sure that lots more people do too.
    Hugs to you as always.

    Like

    • I just don’t understand how anyone can say with any certainty whatsoever that I will get through this… that I will learn to love myself. How, exactly, is that ever going to happen? I have been trying for years. Most of my life! But nothing changes. I don’t think things have changed since I first started to dislike myself in my teenage years, which is, I suppose, when I first realized that I am not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, special enough, etc.

      I’m not sure I can keep writing letters. I’m struggling now. I don’t have anything else prepared for the rest of the alphabet. I have seven letters to go and no ideas…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. jrvincente says:

    I hope it helped to let out the thoughts, but I echo some of the other comments. It’s SO not true. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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