un-friend-able.

I don’t quite understand why anyone would want to be friends with me. If I wasn’t me, I don’t know that I’d want to be friends with me. I lean strongly toward no.

[Aside: I just realized that this may come across like I’m digging for compliments or something like that. Not my intention or goal. I just honestly wonder about this and have for a long time. I guess because I have such a low opinion of myself.]

I am not what one would call a ‘happy‘ person. I’m negative and overly self-deprecating. I  still think I can be fun and funny and obviously charming (as has been previously established), but it was drilled into my head my whole life that if I’m not happy, no one will want to be around me. If I’m not happy, I’ll end up alone.

And let’s not forget this gem that makes me want to drive off a cliff, Thelma-and-Louise style: If I don’t love myself, no one else will ever love me. Hmm. I guess no one loves me, then.

By some strange voodoo, I did end up married. But as you may recall from my previous ramblings, that was most likely a mistake. Not that marriage itself is a mistake, but that my choices were mistakes. I don’t know that I was ever truly in love. [Not with my husband, I mean. I do believe I was truly in love with my ex who I was with for four years before everything fell apart. I blame myself. Of course.]

What happened with my now-husband is that I was so worried I’d never find anyone who could love me (you know, because I don’t love myself) that when I found someone who did (as far as I know), I just went with it. I know. Really stupid way to enter into a marriage. In my defense [though there is no defending this], at the time, I had convinced myself I was in love. I didn’t realize I was fooling myself until much later.

And there’s also the fairy tale thing… Just like I was told my whole life that not being happy meant I’d be alone, I was also told that there’s no such thing as a fairy tale. That may be true, but being told that over and over again made me give up on finding anything close. It made me settle for the first guy who wanted to marry me. I figured, fairy tales aren’t real so I should cut my losses and take whatever I can get.

This whole marriage diatribe is totally off my original topic: my lack of friendability. [Yes, I invent words now.]

I have always wondered… if I pretended to be a ‘normal‘ happy person, would I have lots of friends? If I forced myself to be outgoing (even though I really don’t have it in me), would I have lots of friends? If I acted confident, would I have lots of friends?

But those ifs… they are not who I really am. They’re not the real me. So wouldn’t that make all those potential ‘friends‘ not really ‘friends‘ anyway? Real friends would know the real me. And love me anyway.

But then we circle back to me not loving myself so no one else can love me. And as devoid of self-confidence as I am, I know that there are people who love me. [Weirdos. And I say that with great affection.] So obviously that whole no-love-without-loving-yourself thing is total crap.

Unless… that only refers to romantic, fairytale love. That I do not have. And according to the rules, I never will. Unless I miraculously start to love myself. Yeah, right.

 

p.s. — Contrary to what I said above, I don’t really want ‘lots of friends’. I want one best friend. And maybe one or two others. [Offline, I mean. I have a ‘best friend’ online… and quite a few other friends online. It’s in-person that I have a hole in my life. A big gaping one.]

         

©2020 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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25 Responses to un-friend-able.

  1. I feel like that sometimes. They say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else and I think that’s hokum. For years I felt I wasn’t worthy of friendship. I am kinda socially awkward too if you can believe that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t like that one either — I definitely love others but not myself. I mean, is someone trying to tell me that my love for others isn’t real? I hope not. That’s very sad. And I understand the unworthy thing. I feel that way.

      Like

  2. simplywendi says:

    someone would be lucky to have you as a best friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Joana says:

    True friends will just come into your life where no matter how different your personalities are you just click, conversations are not forced. You don’t have to change who you are. But to be honest I sometimes wonder if I’m that outgoing kind of person maybe life would be less awkward and it’ll be easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. M says:

    I get it. I often wonder how different my life would have been if I were an extrovert. And I agree with Joana, true friends will take you as you are. And you’ve got a friend in me Sandra!💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. jackcollier7 says:

    I would like to be your friend 🌹🌹🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I actually would prefer less friends. I can’t really handle the responsibility that friendship seems to infer. My closest friends are ones I see infrequently – maybe once a year.
    I think that I used to be something of an extrovert (I asked one friend a while ago if he thought that I had changed. He said, “not really – you’re the same person minus the ‘zip’”. I didn’t ask him to elaborate) but I spend a lot of my time avoiding people theses days – and going to elaborate efforts to do so.

    My opinion, Sandra, is that friends can be something of a mixed blessing, but the best thing you can do for a friend is to expect absolutely nothing from them and hope they do soon return. That way anything that passes between you can be truly treasured.

    As for loving one’s self …. that would require never actually looking at one’s self. Love would need to be blind, in other words. It is much more important to know one’s self.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am happy with not having a lot of friends. I wouldn’t want the responsibility or the pressure to be with them when I might not want to. I just wish I had one or two to be around sometimes. But in general, I also avoid people as much as possible.

      And most people kind of suck anyway.

      I was more outgoing back in my teenage years. That was a long time ago. Longer than I pretend. I had many friends then. But always one or two were closer than the rest. And I never felt like I owed anyone any of my time… not really. I just spent time with whoever I wanted to spend time with. But then again, I was a teenager. That’s a whole different world.

      Sometimes I think I know myself too well. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t like too much of what I know. Maybe that’s the same thing…

      Like

  7. Monique28 says:

    You are not alone.. I’m not a happy go lucky person..Like I be at my son games I’m happy for him I’m rooting for him but I’m not get up cheer scream type. so when I go out I’m not a stand up get crazy dance in your face. If I’m sitting drinking I’m having a good time. I don’t have friend either I’m mostly out with family(if that counts) I call my cousin my bestfriend but I am not hers. Truthful I don’t like people especially when they don’t think how I think it’s hard to want to spend time or get to them them. Just like my brother when he brings home a girlfriend and I’m required to talk or ask to hang out with her not because I don’t like her I just don’t want to. I wish I had friends who could come over watch tv and talk about stuff I’ll settle for at least one but not the case. I can make a friend easily not the problem it’s keeping that relationship going at time I won’t answer the phone, no I don’t want to go have lunch but when I’m having a bad day Anxiety is at i all time high I need that you are pretty..

    Like

  8. Mitchelle Malone says:

    Really wish I was a magician and could twinkle my nose and live closer to you. By the way, it’s Lennon in disguise here….miss you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. SarahRus says:

    I see myself in this whole thing whatever you’ve written…i too don’t have friends…now i guess I’ve got one (it’s you)…. keep smiling always no matter what comes next… Your smile will drive away all the bad vibes… 😉👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

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