I was just thinking | z/zero #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


No way in hell was I going to write about zebras. Zero was a far better choice for me… because, you see, I feel like a total zero.

I have zero motivation.

I have zero [offline] friends.

I have zero romance in my life.

I have zero cash in my wallet.

I have zero relief from my back pain.

I have zero will-power around left over Easter chocolate.

I have zero ability to write fiction or poetry.

I have zero confidence.

And I have zero hope that anything is going to change.

 

p.s.— I’m sorry I ended this challenge on such a downer. I’m overwhelmed by a terrible feeling inside me that I can’t tame. I think it’s slowly killing me. Kind of like having your heart carved out of your chest with a spoon.

©2019 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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38 Responses to I was just thinking | z/zero #atozchallenge

  1. Cyranny says:

    If it should ever lift yourself… I failed the A to Z Challenge, and you didn’t. 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My life is counting backwards
    It started with a ten
    It may have got to twenty
    Though I can’t recall just when
    But I’ve been using up my points
    Every day since then
    I’m aiming for a zero
    So I can start again

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’ve turned it all around for me. You’re a genius. (And I am not being sarcastic. I mean it.)

      Does this mean I’m at ‘start again’? Maybe. But I can’t seem to find the restart button.

      Like

      • I can barely spell genius … so put that idea out of your mind.
        All of us are always at ‘start again’ should we have the inclination or courage to push that button. But sometimes it’s better just to nudge it a bit.
        It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

        Liked by 1 person

        • You think? I admit that it sounds very appealing right now to move back in with Mom so she can take care of me as if I were 5 years old.

          I don’t really want to push the restart button. Maybe I’m scared, unmotivated, or just plain lazy. Probably that last one, mostly.

          Like

  3. Or perhaps these sage words from Spike Milligan (with whom I can boast to have spent a few amusing hours with on several occasions) may be better to cheer you up …..
    They are on (sort of) the same subject …

    I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
    Across the Irish Sea,
    I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
    It’s the only thing for me.
    I’ve tried walking sideways,
    And walking to the front,
    But people just look at me,
    And say it’s a publicity stunt.
    I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
    To prove that I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Zero means that nothing is present. You are definitely there so you cannot be a total zero.
    Well done on the A to Z and I look forward to your next post whenever it is.
    Hugs. x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Marquessa says:

    Congrats on finishing the challenge. It speaks to how strong you are but don’t realize it. 💪🏾 You are definitely not a zero. We are here for you. Always. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. ♥ I never feel strong. I’m always surprised when anyone uses that word to describe me.

      I wanted to tell you that I want to read your entire alphabet but I have been a bit of a mess. It’s taken a lot for me to do this challenge so I really slacked off on reading.

      Like

  6. You made it to the end of the challenge!!! Yay!!! Congratulations! That’s something that doesn’t make you a zero – it’s hard to get to the end of it! I hope that accomplishment helps you to feel like less of a zero in the other departments that you feel you are lacking.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Meg says:

    You are not a zero! You did A to Z, you made a delicious dinner last night, you have a great sense of humor. And you have lots of friends here!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks… ♥ I wish my head would repeat the good things to me instead of the bad. Any effort I’ve made to change that hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I know it takes time… lots of time… but it’s hard to bother with anything when you see no benefit from it at all.

      Anyway, thank you for saying those lovely things. It’s pathetic, but I need to be reminded or I fall into a very dark place.

      Like

  8. Well done on completing AtoZ. Thats not a zero that’s 26/26. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh, I feel for you! I’ve had many days lately when I feel as though my heart has broken or been ripped from my body. It’s like a literal blow and its an awful feeling. Other days I feel empty and then sometimes I feel normal. I’ve been crazy busy getting the house ready to sell which has exhausted me but also kept me too busy to feel the sadness. I hope you find some balance in your life. Sending hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Being busy does help. I have trouble ‘forcing’ myself to be busy, though. It’s like I have to have something that I must do for it to work. If it’s just me looking for things to do to distract myself, it never works. I find that the only way I’m able to avoid the bad feelings entirely is to be asleep. It’s so unhealthy. I am not, of course, in the same situation as you, but I understand what you mean when you say you feel empty. I don’t think I have what I need in my life, and I don’t know where to get it. Big hugs to you, too. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Hey Sandra! Remember me from way back when? So glad you’re still blogging!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. heatherjo86 says:

    I’m really starting to worry about you. I know you said you’re not very religious, but here’s a link to an article that you may find interesting. It provides guidance on how to be happier even though you can’t change your circumstances. https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=102016002&srcid=share
    I’m going to keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In all honesty, I worry about myself.

      I understand how changing my attitude and thinking positively could make me feel better. But *knowing* that I should do that and *being able* to do it are very different. I’ve tried for years… with and without help from others, both professional and not… but I have never been able to do it… to change my way of thinking. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel like it’s hopeless. I’m just not strong enough to fix myself.

      Like

  12. heatherjo86 says:

    And, you’re not a zero! You have so much more value than you think.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hunida says:

    We all have a list of zeroes, Sandra but I know you have another one filled with a list of the opposite. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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