I was just thinking | a/alone #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


When I’m with people, I often feel suffocated or even annoyed and I want to be left alone. When I’m alone, I feel lonely, sad, unmotivated, and a bit hopeless and I wish there were people around. I think maybe what I want is to have people near, but still have alone time. Or to be alone but know people are out there thinking of me. Or I don’t know what the fuck I want. Probably that last one.

Seriously. How can I make myself happy? My brain is a clusterfuck of contradictions.

 

p.s.— I am currently alone. Sigh.

©2019 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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46 Responses to I was just thinking | a/alone #atozchallenge

  1. I feel the same way! Like I don’t like to be alone all the time, but also if I’m out with people it can be overwhelming and exhausting! It’s a fine balance of time with and without people. And sometimes I really just want to have some time where no one contacts me at all lol. It definitely is a contradiction!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. We’re never happy are we? When the house is full here, I feel like telling them all to fuck off, then when they’re all out I’m like ‘Ah yeah, don’t mind me, you all just carry on with your lives and forget your poor mother’. I’m actually sounding more and more like me ma everyday… haha

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Tom says:

    Perhaps it was 20 years ago when I finally realized that my persistent loneliness cannot be eased by being with others. There is something else that I long for and, I’m guessing, always will.

    I can still recall and feel being at a table for eight in a crowded restaurant and gazing out the window, wishing to be anywhere else yet glad to be with people who populate my life.

    Inner tensions. Part of my being human.

    Liked by 3 people

    • What you describe is what I feel. I think my loneliness is going to stay no matter what. People say it’s because I don’t like myself so there will always be something missing. I’m not sure I believe that, but I do think you’re right that being with others doesn’t ‘fix’ loneliness.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Marquessa says:

    Totally understand. Just know that we do think of you…💜

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Liam says:

    I’ve had the sane conflict and haven’t figured it out yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Aimee Marie says:

    This is so me… Never seems to be a happy medium

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I totally get where you’re coming from. Though I don’t always want people around, it’s good to know they’re there if need be. I believe this place serves that purpose for me. I bet it would for you too. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  8. A large group of people is called a “No Thanks” in my book. I have experienced though the feeling of loneliness even surrounded by others…. maybe in the same room but on opposite sides?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. What you need to do (Oh yes, I’ve heard them all before says Sandra, here we go again!) is to find your neutral gear. You are alone, you think about it, you want to be not alone.
    You are in company, you think about it, you want to be alone.
    Stop thinking. Easy to say I know, not so easy to do.
    I’m not talking anything with a label, not yoga, not mindfulness, not zen. Just plain Brain In Neutral (BIN) Bin the thoughts, let the mind drift. If you wish, write down any odd thoughts, make up a silly rhyme, sing aloud, make up some breathing techniques.
    There are people out here thinking of you – not in a creepy way – not in a judging way – not in a condemning way – just in a friendly, I wonder how Sandra is, sort of way.
    Hugs, and I’m looking forward to B, then C, all the way through.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Meg says:

    I often feel the most lonely when I’m in a crowd. I’m always thinking ‘I don’t belong here’ and then I want to leave. But at the same time I crave companionship. Like Beach said, I kinda get that from here. It’s just not quite the same as real life connection but it’s still pretty good. And it’s self regulating. Anyway I’m glad you’re back. 👍❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • I never feel like I belong anywhere. I’m not sure I ever have. I think I’m better off hiding away on my own–I guess that’s why I isolate myself… and why I don’t have the ‘right’ people around me.

      You’re right — connections here aren’t the same as real-life connections. And I lack those. I’m not sure they’re connections one can live without even though I have been (mostly) for a very long time.

      I hope I’m back… at least for the month. But I’ve only planned up to B at the moment so I’m not confident I’m going to make it. Of course, I’m not confident about anything! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        I always feel a little better after interacting here so I think at least having some connections with some people is better than none! You’ll make it! I think your wonderfully sarcastic sense of humor will kick in! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think (or worry?) that part of me feels uncomfortable with any level of interaction at this point. I’ve become so isolated that it just feels strange… even here. So I tend to stay only for short bursts of time. I can’t figure out if I feel better or worse this way…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg says:

            Maybe it’s just become uncomfortable because you took a break. Like thinking you’ve missed too much. But really you haven’t. Obviously everyone is happy to see you back. As you post for A-Z, you’ll find your way. Strange, maybe but not bad? I hope?

            Liked by 1 person

  11. You ever really alone because you always have us! Love your category.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Ogden Fahey says:

    Can’t live with em, can’t live without em! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I have no answer for you – but appreciate your raw, vulnerable writing. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Bill says:

    I don’t think what you wrote about is that unusual. I am not lonely when I am alone (a rare gift), and one or two people are enough. But part of me knows that I must accept the burden of larger groups at times for the sake of others (I don’t have to like it). What I do think we all need to do is figure out what we want and how we want things to be. It sounds to me as if you are working on that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would certainly be much happier with one or two people rather than a whole bunch. But some days, I’m not sure if I want any people. But then I’m alone and I feel isolated. But sometimes, I do that to myself. It doesn’t feel like it’s intentional, but maybe it is?

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Relatable *sigh*
    Dropping in, do check out mine!

    Liked by 1 person

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