Wouldn’t it be great if after disappearing for almost a week, I came back and told you that life is good? That my mood has lifted… my kids are having loads of summer break fun and are getting along famously… opportunity has been knocking and money has been rolling in… and my back feels better?
Yeah! I agree… that would be great.
In reality, my mood is terrible… my kids are bored and fighting too much… there is no money to spend to alleviate that boredom… and my back feels worse than ever.
I have tried walking, cooking, cleaning, writing… and anything else I can think of… to occupy myself so I don’t get the horrible morning feelings. The complete and utter despair I feel *every* morning without fail. And the crying… so much crying. Nothing is working.
[Writing sure as fuck isn’t working. I can’t do that at all. But that’s only part of the reason I disappeared.]
I really thought I would feel better once the kids were out of school… not being alone as much. But it hasn’t helped. I still have to fight tears every day… and sometimes I fail… and the kids know I’m sad. Horrible.
Without enough to do, the kids are bored. Boredom makes me feel terrible, too, but combined with the kids’ boredom… it’s worse. Everything we think of either costs money, involves eating junk food, does not appeal to the kids [if it doesn’t appeal to me, I say yes and do it anyway because I want the kids to be happy…], or some combination thereof. And they haven’t even been out of school for a full week yet.
I never stopped the physical therapy exercises for my back that I started last fall. I also go for walks whenever I can—something else that has been recommended to me repeatedly for my back pain. None of this helps. In fact, the pain is worse. [And there’s no current treatment plan since nothing has worked.] I guess it may have been a bad idea to throw a frisbee around and play basketball with the kids. But I’m not going to miss out on doing things with them because I’m in pain. Even if it makes it worse.
• • •
I have no idea if I am going to disappear again. The fact is that I have nothing good to say… nothing to write about… nothing… just nothing. And I can’t seem to make up stuff either. I may never have anything worthwhile to say again. I have no idea. It’s been bothering me a lot…
I’ve tried to keep reading even though I can’t write anymore… but I’m having trouble with that, too. I feel out of place. I feel like I don’t fit in… like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m not a part of things like I used to be.
I miss you guys.
©2018 what sandra thinks