disappearing act.

Wouldn’t it be great if after disappearing for almost a week, I came back and told you that life is good? That my mood has lifted… my kids are having loads of summer break fun and are getting along famously… opportunity has been knocking and money has been rolling in… and my back feels better?

Yeah! I agree… that would be great.

In reality, my mood is terrible… my kids are bored and fighting too much… there is no money to spend to alleviate that boredom… and my back feels worse than ever.

I have tried walking, cooking, cleaning, writing… and anything else I can think of… to occupy myself so I don’t get the horrible morning feelings. The complete and utter despair I feel *every* morning without fail. And the crying… so much crying. Nothing is working.

[Writing sure as fuck isn’t working. I can’t do that at all. But that’s only part of the reason I disappeared.]

I really thought I would feel better once the kids were out of school… not being alone as much. But it hasn’t helped. I still have to fight tears every day… and sometimes I fail… and the kids know I’m sad. Horrible.

Without enough to do, the kids are bored. Boredom makes me feel terrible, too, but combined with the kids’ boredom… it’s worse. Everything we think of either costs money, involves eating junk food, does not appeal to the kids [if it doesn’t appeal to me, I say yes and do it anyway because I want the kids to be happy…], or some combination thereof. And they haven’t even been out of school for a full week yet.

I never stopped the physical therapy exercises for my back that I started last fall. I also go for walks whenever I can—something else that has been recommended to me repeatedly for my back pain. None of this helps. In fact, the pain is worse. [And there’s no current treatment plan since nothing has worked.] I guess it may have been a bad idea to throw a frisbee around and play basketball with the kids. But I’m not going to miss out on doing things with them because I’m in pain. Even if it makes it worse.

• • •

I have no idea if I am going to disappear again. The fact is that I have nothing good to say… nothing to write about… nothing… just nothing. And I can’t seem to make up stuff either. I may never have anything worthwhile to say again. I have no idea. It’s been bothering me a lot…

I’ve tried to keep reading even though I can’t write anymore… but I’m having trouble with that, too. I feel out of place. I feel like I don’t fit in… like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m not a part of things like I used to be.

I miss you guys.


©2018 what sandra thinks


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, family, life, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

50 Responses to disappearing act.

  1. We miss you too. 😔

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bill says:

    “Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster.” That is pretty much what it says. While I don’t expect to read “everything is suddenly better now,” that’s my wish for you. I have no suggestions because you seem to be doing your best — all that you can. Keep that shit up.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. gigglingfattie says:

    Miss you too, Sandra! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. mydangblog says:

    I love your writing. Don’t stay away too long.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Meg says:

    We miss you, too! And hope the summer gets a little better. You should go hang out at that beach! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Cyranny says:

    Warm hugs, Gorgeous… I am sorry to see that nothing’s feeling better. I hope something will turn to the better soon for you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m d you posted. I was, of course, anxious, when we hadn’t heard from you in awhie. I do hope things improve a little!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Hunida says:

    We miss you too, Sandra ♡

    Liked by 1 person

  9. mandibelle16 says:

    I’m so sorry Sandra. I hope you can find some relief to your back and other problems too. I think your back in itself, makes everything much harder including having fun with your kids and thinking of non-expensive recreation for them, and feeling sad. I thought perhaps swimming lessons, we never had to pay for those at public pools, or YMCA camps — those can be subsidized, also if you live by a church, they often run VBS programs a half a day or more. Much more than Bible stories, kids do crafts, games, physical activity type games, eat snacks, and many other activities depending in the church. It’s a good way to occupy them, at least for a week or so. I’m not sure how much you’re capable of with your back, but that’s my thoughts. Miss you and praying for you despite. 💕❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  10. jrvincente says:

    We missed you! Glad you made a post, even if you’re struggling. *hug*

    Liked by 2 people

  11. One of the things people keep telling me to do with my back is yoga. Have you tried that? I hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Wow…the first post of yours I’ve read. Very moving. I struggle. I struggle a lot.

    Following to show support to you and your journey!

    Hugs Sandra

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks so much, Kevin. I appreciate your support… means a lot to me. I’m so frustrated with the way things have been going… feeling alone in that makes it worse… so thank you again. Hugs back to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I battle with a disability which triggers my depression. Some days I have no reason to feel alone or the way I do. I still do.

        It’s amazing how our problem can differ so much but we all tend to understand each other. If you ever need to talk or another perspective, you know how to find me.

        Together we journey ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        • I often can’t find a reason for feeling as terrible as I do… but it happens anyway. Lately, it’s every morning, without fail… and it’s a horrible feeling.

          I agree–our problems don’t need to be the same for us to understand each other. It really is comforting, in a way.

          I do think I often need a different perspective… mine tends to remain the same. I’m also here if you ever want to talk.

          Liked by 1 person

          • A different perspective can often be a great tool to help dig a way out. It’s sometimes not the hand to pull you out but the support of one next to you helping to find a way.

            I’ve noticed I respond so much better to the thought of support than someone able to “fix it”. We’ve got to fix it ourselves, but we can do it together.

            Liked by 1 person

            • For a long time, I’ve had trouble helping myself. I don’t understand it and I can’t explain it… but I wish I could do better.

              As much as I wish someone could magically “fix me”, I know that’s impossible. When someone does try to fix it, I often end up feeling worse because I’m not capable of doing what they suggest. (Does that make sense?)

              Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m never going to feel better. I know that’s a terrible attitude… but I can’t seem to find my way out.

              Liked by 1 person

  13. sunshinysa says:

    Sandra. You are a MOM. Life throws us such curveballs. Wish you were near, I’d buy you a coffee and my son could have pizza with your kids.
    I was having that same moment and escaped to read online. I pray it gets easier and the pain diminishes… Take care. Please try and keep chin up, you are not alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you… you’re very sweet. I’ve been getting more and more worried about myself because none of my ‘escapes’ seem to work anymore. That’s scary. I feel like just waiting around for something to go well for me is wrong but I’m unable to take action either…
      Thank you again.


  14. Hugs. Lots of hugs (that won’t hurt your back!)

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I miss you too ❤ lol, try to make your kids study for the upcoming school year and they’ll forget about being bored and be happy they don’t have to study. S’all about reverse psychology 😉. Joking aside, I hope you can figure it out. ❤❤

    Liked by 2 people

  16. You’re part of us and fit in…..you’re one of the main reasons I’m still here 💜 Really wish I had some great advice. I’m empty today and feel helpless not having something to say. All I can give is my friendship and a virtual hug. I miss you terribly. XO

    Liked by 2 people

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