moody monday. #15

moody monday.

First… to follow up from last week… Thanksgiving wasn’t as horrible as I feared it would be. It actually went pretty well. No one upset me, intentionally or otherwise. Nothing came up that made me feel like a loser. The whole situation felt like a bit of a miracle (a pathetic excuse for a miracle, really) because after the last gathering (my daughter’s birthday in early November), I seriously considered never going to another family thing again because I was so miserable after it. But I had to go, if only for the kids… and for my mom.

Next comes Christmas… which is always infinitely worse than Thanksgiving. Christmas really drives home my loser-ness. Like, it shoots the loser arrow right into my chest. It twists around in there. It nearly kills me. Oh hell, it feels so bad that I want it to kill me. Guess I should try to enjoy the next four weeks before that fresh hell is upon me. Just have to keep reminding myself… I’m doing it for the kids… and for mom. And for everyone else. Not for me. Nothing is for me. I don’t care enough to do things for me. Besides… it’s Christmas… shouldn’t someone in my life care enough to do something for me?

I’m trying not to be The Grinch. It’s not easy… The Grinch is my natural state. I don’t care what anyone says… Christmas is all about money (and kids) and unless you’re rich, it’s a stressful nightmare. I’m trying to draw more attention to the non-capitalist-ish things… like putting up the tree which we did yesterday… or driving around looking at ridiculously overdone Christmas lights. But I still have to get some gifts. And I hate it. It’s not just the excessive (mostly needless) spending… it’s the accumulation of more stuff. We don’t need anything. But the kids… you know… I want them to have gifts to open on Christmas morning. Me? I’m just looking forward to Mom’s annual pancake and bacon breakfast.

Final assessment: Hmm… Stressed. Trying not to hate Christmas so much. And although I didn’t go into detail in this post, lonely and neglected. (And ready to hold on to anyone and anything that would make me feel like someone truly wants me around.) Oh… and as I just told someone who was sweet enough to ask how I am, “I’m okay I guess.”

©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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29 Responses to moody monday. #15

  1. Christmas is definitely stressful. And yes, way too commercialized. I like the times when we’ve all decided to just buy for kids. As adults, we don’t need anything. And if we do, we’ve probably already bought it for ourselves anyway. I don’t need another pair of gloves, or some overpriced sweater that I’ll likely never wear anyway. It gets outta hand quickly.

    As for that last part, you’re not alone and you have lots of us here that look forward to talking with you, hearing that you are indeed ok, and that think the world is a better place with you in it. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s kind of good for me to know because I often think the world would be better if I wasn’t in it. But don’t worry… I’m not going anywhere. I’m just tired of feeling crappy… or just okay. And I’m tired of being in pain…

      Liked by 1 person

      • No man, that’s not the case at all. We love havin’ you around, I promise you that. I get not wanting to be in pain. Just had that very conversation with a patient about 10 minutes ago. But, like I told her, giving up isn’t gonna help. It’ll just make things worse. Just gotta keep fighting through. And I’ll be here to continue to shower rainbows, butterflies, and annoyingly cliche cliches upon you. 😎

        Liked by 1 person

        • And I’m grateful for that. Except for the cliche parts… 😉

          I’m just in all kinds of pain… emotional and physical. I’ve been going to PT for my back pain and I’ve been doing everything I’m supposed to do but it doesn’t seem to be getting better… It hasn’t been that long but still… I feel like I’m just going to be in pain forever.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Give the therapy a chance. It takes time. Are they using modalities on you, like e-stim or ultrasound?

            Liked by 1 person

            • No… I wonder if I should ask her about that? I have no idea if it’s something they do at all. Do all PTs do that? I have no idea. My chiropractor used to use e-stim sometimes… but I don’t see him often and he didn’t do it every time and I may not go back now that I’m doing PT. (And my copayment for the chiropractor is higher than it is for PT.) I don’t know. I’m just tired of being in pain all the time. Forget all the other crap in my life… some days, the pain is enough to make me fall apart.

              Liked by 1 person

              • I think it could help. I use on every patient I can, e-stim especially. They make little TENS units that you should be able to find at most any Walgreens. I like ultrasound too, but more for use on contractures and if e-stim is contraindicated. I’d ask your PT about the possibility. I think it’d give you a bit of relief.

                Liked by 1 person

                • I actually have one of those at-home units (that sounds dirty… or maybe it’s just me). My husband bought it a while back and I don’t think he’s ever used it. I’m not even sure he bought it for himself… maybe it was more for me. But I have a lot of trouble getting the things on my back in the right place. He will help… if he’s home… but even then, sometimes I can’t figure out if it’s right. (Although that would get him closer to my ass and lady parts. Hahahahaha :D)

                  Liked by 2 people

    • Everything that Beach said! hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s good. Baby steps.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good to hear that Thanksgiving was at least tolerable. Now you’ve got to work on actually enjoying something. Either the ass grabbing didn’t work, or you never even tried it. If the latter, then I do urge you try. Then on to the massage – for the benefit of your back pain obviously! Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg says:

    I heard a story on NPR a few years ago that I thought was a great idea; a whole family opted to make each family member a gift, just one thing, handmade and not purchased. The kids made drawings and the grownups did simple things too – nothing so elaborate that one would outshine the other. And no crazy expensive shopping list or tons of stress on anyone. As long as everyone played by the rules that would be a great alternative to the excessive consumerism!

    Liked by 1 person

    • No one in my family would play by those rules! Not even me! Plus the kids would soon hate Christmas. It’s already not as magical as it was when I was a kid. I do think there’s not much need of adults exchanging gifts… and we had that rule for a few years but everyone broke it anyway…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I was pleasantly surprised about my Thanksgiving as well considering how 2 days prior I was having major panic attacks and thought spirals. Christmas is stressful for me too this year. Money is tight and it has me wishing that Santa was an actual real thing!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. georgexina says:

    I’m with you on the opinion of Christmas! Absolutely nightmare!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Good luck for Christmas! And I am glad to hear that Thanksgiving went well…my wishes came true…

    Liked by 1 person

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