First… to follow up from last week… Thanksgiving wasn’t as horrible as I feared it would be. It actually went pretty well. No one upset me, intentionally or otherwise. Nothing came up that made me feel like a loser. The whole situation felt like a bit of a miracle (a pathetic excuse for a miracle, really) because after the last gathering (my daughter’s birthday in early November), I seriously considered never going to another family thing again because I was so miserable after it. But I had to go, if only for the kids… and for my mom.
Next comes Christmas… which is always infinitely worse than Thanksgiving. Christmas really drives home my loser-ness. Like, it shoots the loser arrow right into my chest. It twists around in there. It nearly kills me. Oh hell, it feels so bad that I want it to kill me. Guess I should try to enjoy the next four weeks before that fresh hell is upon me. Just have to keep reminding myself… I’m doing it for the kids… and for mom. And for everyone else. Not for me. Nothing is for me. I don’t care enough to do things for me. Besides… it’s Christmas… shouldn’t someone in my life care enough to do something for me?
I’m trying not to be The Grinch. It’s not easy… The Grinch is my natural state. I don’t care what anyone says… Christmas is all about money (and kids) and unless you’re rich, it’s a stressful nightmare. I’m trying to draw more attention to the non-capitalist-ish things… like putting up the tree which we did yesterday… or driving around looking at ridiculously overdone Christmas lights. But I still have to get some gifts. And I hate it. It’s not just the excessive (mostly needless) spending… it’s the accumulation of more stuff. We don’t need anything. But the kids… you know… I want them to have gifts to open on Christmas morning. Me? I’m just looking forward to Mom’s annual pancake and bacon breakfast.
Final assessment: Hmm… Stressed. Trying not to hate Christmas so much. And although I didn’t go into detail in this post, lonely and neglected. (And ready to hold on to anyone and anything that would make me feel like someone truly wants me around.) Oh… and as I just told someone who was sweet enough to ask how I am, “I’m okay I guess.”
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