moody monday. #14

moody monday.

Family gatherings stress me out. I know I’m not alone in that. But it’s not what you might be thinking. I don’t have creepy or sleazy relatives. I don’t have a terrible relationship with anyone I’m going to see. There’s no fighting or anything like that.

It’s a small group… too small, really. My dad’s been gone for 5 years. My last living grandparent… my beloved maternal grandmother has been gone for 4. And it’s been only 5 months since my cousin’s brain tumor took him from us. Considering that last one, I’m not even sure if my aunt and uncle are coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I suspect the holiday is going to be especially hard on them.

What will happen for certain is that I will bring my kids and husband to Mom’s… and she will be there along with my one-year-older single sister and my four-years-younger sister and her husband and son. [We will not be… and never are… joined by my third/eldest sister because she doesn’t speak to me or my little sister. I’m sure I’ll never fully understand why. As the years pass, it makes me more sad at times and more I-don’t-give-a-fuck at other times.]

The gathering will be fun… mostly. My nephew can be a bit crazy. My husband annoys me sometimes (though that’s not exclusive to family gatherings). And although I am sure she doesn’t mean to, my younger sister sometimes says things that really upset me. I can’t call her out on it or tell my mom or my other sister because I’ve done that before and the response is always the same. ‘I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. You’re taking it the wrong way.‘ So, you know, my fault. I don’t feel like I get a lot of understanding or sympathy. I just get a lot of reasons why it’s me, not her. It’s always me.

I don’t think any of them fully understand how hard things are for me. Like, all things. I have a real medical condition. Just because it’s not a physical issue doesn’t make it any less real. But they don’t really get it. I know it’s hard for people who don’t suffer from these sorts of things to know how it feels… how difficult… how impossible things feel to me. I always end up feeling like a freak. A lonely freak.

But the worst part is after the gathering is over. I can never stop thinking about the conversations that happened… things that were said. Nothing mean… nothing malicious… just normal conversation. But there are always things that drive home the fact that they all have great lives and mine is a total disaster. They are happy and I am not. I feel like a huge failure… and a total loser. And I get lost in all the terrible decisions that got me where I am now… and how I can’t go back and change them.

I wish I was a kid again. Then I’d enjoy the holidays instead of dreading them. And maybe… just maybe… I wouldn’t make so many stupid choices.

Final assessment: Anxious… filled with dread… and an impending sense of doom.


©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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34 Responses to moody monday. #14

  1. We will think of you, and send distant hugs to help you along the way. Enjoy the food. Enjoy the craziness. Hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. sorryless says:

    Well you’re better than me when it comes to these things. I have been estranged from a lot of family members for quite some time now. I got tired of all the BS, and I totally get what you mean about holding onto the conversations that transpire at these gatherings. I used to as well.

    I’m still not sure if I regret having removed myself from all of that. I still have my kids, mom, aunt and sisters. I’m okay with that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was watching something recently, and the story highlighted a characters pain as grieving. And it hit home that that is what I have been going through. I can see that you are too going through this. Unfortunately no one can take away that pain, but know that we are all whole heartedly here for you. Hugs. Take each day as it comes. You know how to reach me. day or night.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It made me laugh that I had to find that out from a the TV, and not from my doctor. =/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m sorry you’re dreading the get together with family. The holidays can really be a stressful time. Hugs from my family to yours ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Don’t go into it thinking like that. It’ll definitely be a downer if you do. Besides, that grass isn’t always greener. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’ve always been of the mindset that holiday gatherings as well as family get-togethers are more for children than adults. I mean catching up on whats current with each other is great but kids find more benefit from it all. More excitement.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Lynni says:

    When it comes to losing family and dreading family gatherings I get you 100% 😪 it can be hard, but an internal monologue of “you can do this” can get you through more than you think! 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Yikes, good luck! My older sister doesn’t speak to me either bar some awkward texts. I say fuck ’em. Life is too short to worry about issues that people have. Family or not, lol.

    The last time I was around extended family all I wanted to do was scream and run away. Luckily for me my immediate family are either estranged or live in a different country from the rest of them.

    I’m confident that you’ll make it through the day. Just daydream about naked Thor and his hammer. 😂😝

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Wish I could go with you and help you through it. Eat a turkey leg and say Fuck it….. Just kidding. I know it doesn’t work like that but it sounded good. I want a turkey leg right now! At least enjoy the yummy food though. Sending some big ass hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks… I’m really hoping I don’t feel as bad afterwards as I felt when I left after my daughter’s birthday party a few weeks ago. I know I should stop thinking about it… I’m making myself crazy. Thanks so much for the hugs… ❤

      Like

  11. family gatherings aren’t always the best. Its always really hard for my family to catch up for Christmas and its always a big argument. Earlier this year for a Easter gathering my Papa walked through a door then my Uncle and him started yelling at each other. they stormed off and didn’t come back til it was time to leave. We hardly ever see each other now.
    I hope it gets better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Pingback: moody monday. #15 | what sandra thinks

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