I never gave myself a chance. But to be fair, I didn’t know how.
For as long as I can remember, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I still don’t know. Hell, I’m not even sure I grew up. [Am I supposed to feel my age? Because I still feel like a kid trying to figure it all out.]
I’ve spent my life trying to do what was expected of me but usually failing to make the right decisions to get there. I tried to follow my heart instead, but for me, that was more external than it should have been. Meaning… I was actually following my emotions… not my heart. It sounds like it’s the same but it’s really not.
I wish I’d never even tried to travel the expected path. I wish I’d done what I truly wanted… not what others thought I should do… and not what my emotions made me do. But that didn’t happen. Part of that is because I didn’t know what I truly wanted… so how could I do it? And part of it is because it all went too fast.
I wish I could slow it down. Oh hell, I wish I could turn it backwards and restart.
I ain’t trading my youth for no suit and jacket
I ain’t giving my freedom for your money and status
So don’t say I’m getting older
Cause I’ll say it when I do
Cause everybody I know, everybody I know
Is growing old, is growing old too quickly
And I don’t wanna go
So how am I supposed to slow it down so I can figure out who I am?
[…]
Some of us surviving
Some of us just roaming
Some of us just hoping the world will move more slowly
what sandra thinks 
I don’t feel my age either. Like I’m just going where the winds lead me. I’m not into being “told” what to do, and riding the breeze has been tumultuous at times, but it’s served me well so far, I suppose.
So if you could do it all over, what you do?
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That’s my biggest problem, I think — I don’t know. I mean, if my brain wasn’t a disaster and I could stop myself from deciding everything based on emotion (and usually love/boys), I can tell you a few things I’d do differently. I’d never have chosen the college I chose. Hell, I don’t think I would have gone to college at all until I really knew what I wanted to do! But who knows if/when I would have figured that out since I still don’t know. But I was expected to go after high school… so I did. I should have at least chosen a different major. But I was an idiot with that, too. I just never had any guidance and never really had any plan for the future.
And you already know I would have held out for the fairy tale. Something closer to it anyway… instead of letting fear and loneliness guide me.
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That’s a long list!
I shouldn’t have gone to college right away either. Freshman year was a disaster. Majored in fucking around and partying. Summer after though, went to New Orleans for the first time. For a Grateful Dead gig. Anyway, met a girl, fell in love with the city, and stayed for 18 months. Best thing I ever did. Came back home, went back to school, on my own dime, and did much better. Even still, I went back to school 3 or 4 years later because I hated what I was doing.
It can be a winding road. I enjoy what I do now. But it’s not what I “wanted” to do. I wanted to be a marine biologist. But shit conspired, time passed, I was introduced to a woman, and it just wasn’t in my cards.
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I guess it doesn’t really matter what I wanted to do back then… or that I didn’t know what I wanted to do. It matters a lot more that I don’t know now… and that it’s too late to start over even if I figure it out. At this point in my life, I have to find a job for the money… not because I want it or like it. And going by my resume, which is all that any potential employer cares about, I’m sure I’ll be miserable. But again, I don’t even know what would make me not miserable… Kind of hard to find what I’m looking for if I don’t know what I’m looking for.
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That’s a difficult riddle to solve. I get having to work just for the paycheck. I like what I do, but I work to live, not live to work. It’s tough adulting. Gotta do what ya’ gotta do though. I still think that if you were out there, working, you’d feel better. Whether it’s a crappy job or not. Any word from your recruiter?
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I had to tell her I was unavailable for the summer. We have no place to send the kids… and no money to send them. Since I’ve been out of work, it’s not like we could put away money for summer camp. I will get back in touch with her when they start school. But I still don’t know what’s going to happen with the kids. If I’m not around, they will have to quit all of their after school activities because they have no way to get to and from. That is killing me. They couldn’t do much of anything when I was working before… and now we have to take it all away again. It’s not fair to them… and it’s not good for them either.
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That’s a big-time issue. We’ve been lucky in that regard, with sitters able to meet me at activities and practices. It’s always a juggling act though.
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Honestly, at times it makes me think that I had no business becoming a mom. If I can’t do what I should be able to do for them, well, it’s just not fair to them. They deserve so much better.
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Don’t say that. You gave them life. That’s a gift in itself.
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I just hate that I can’t even give them what I had… never mind giving them anything more…
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Things aren’t what matters. Loving and teaching and guiding is what they’ll remember. And thank you for…..someday. 😊
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It’s not things though. It’s experiences. They should be able to participate in whatever activities they want… they should get to see things… a little vacation now and then to explore something/somewhere new… I can’t do anything for them. I’m the one who’s been out of work. It’s my fault… but I don’t think I can fix it… and I certainly can’t make up for the time that’s already past.
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Sure you can. You’re in the northeast. There’s bound to be tons of places and sites to see around y’all. Doesn’t have to be expensive either. Just take em and go someplace nearby. Once a week or two. Have fun, laugh, get lost. They’ll remember that. And they’ll have fun. And make your husband go too!
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Sandra,
We are all growing a little older. It’s better than the alternative, right? I think for most, we have to grow old to know what we really want to do or be but we know time is a fleeting thing and make the most of it trying to hang on or to fulfill a dream. Let’s slow down and enjoy the rest of life doing things that make us smile a little longer, laugh a little harder, or dream a little bigger. Thanks for sharing this new-to-me tune – I really enjoyed it!
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