It’s June. The month of my birth.
It’s a week until d-day (my d-day… the 11th… if you’re taking notes). Over the next few days, I will mention my birthday numerous times. Offline, I mean, as my husband is a butt about these sorts of things. [See my post about mother’s day.] I don’t even want a gift… not a material thing anyway. Except cake. Birthdays require cake. But there are a few non-material things I’d love…
Good luck. I have none. I only have its evil twin, bad luck. And no, one cannot make one’s own luck, good or bad, as I’ve previously addressed.
Physical well-being. I’m okay… but I could be better. And I’m just going to leave this one at that.
Love. Yes, I am married. Yes, he loves me. But something’s missing. Maybe it always was and I was in denial… or maybe things changed. I think it’s a bit of both. But I want love… better love. This birthday wish isn’t going to happen. It’s not even possible. Yet I still add it to the list…
A friend. I have amazing friends here. It’s been a long looong time since I’ve had anyone care about me the way some of you do. And it’s wonderful to know someone out there gives a damn about me. Someone who’s not related to me… someone with no obligation. But for fuck’s sake… I’ve got no one to meet at the coffee shop.
Courage. I’m kind of afraid of everything. I get anxious about things that most people don’t even think about… they just do them. I don’t know when this happened to me. I wasn’t always like this.
Peace. I worry about everything. Every fucking thing. My mind literally creates horrible, often highly unlikely scenarios and I worry about them. And I blame myself for everything. For everything wrong in my life. For everything… just everything.
That’s not asking much right? No… I know. It’s asking A LOT. So while I’m at it, I’ll go ahead and ask for that billion dollars, too. And a pony. Just kidding. About the pony.
©2017 what sandra thinks