in a week.

It’s June. The month of my birth.

It’s a week until d-day (my d-day… the 11th… if you’re taking notes). Over the next few days, I will mention my birthday numerous times. Offline, I mean, as my husband is a butt about these sorts of things. [See my post about mother’s day.] I don’t even want a gift… not a material thing anyway. Except cake. Birthdays require cake. But there are a few non-material things I’d love…

Good luck. I have none. I only have its evil twin, bad luck. And no, one cannot make one’s own luck, good or bad, as I’ve previously addressed.

Physical well-being. I’m okay… but I could be better. And I’m just going to leave this one at that.

Love. Yes, I am married. Yes, he loves me. But something’s missing. Maybe it always was and I was in denial… or maybe things changed. I think it’s a bit of both. But I want love… better love. This birthday wish isn’t going to happen. It’s not even possible. Yet I still add it to the list…

A friend. I have amazing friends here. It’s been a long looong time since I’ve had anyone care about me the way some of you do. And it’s wonderful to know someone out there gives a damn about me. Someone who’s not related to me… someone with no obligation. But for fuck’s sake… I’ve got no one to meet at the coffee shop.

Courage. I’m kind of afraid of everything. I get anxious about things that most people don’t even think about… they just do them. I don’t know when this happened to me. I wasn’t always like this.

Peace. I worry about everything. Every fucking thing. My mind literally creates horrible, often highly unlikely scenarios and I worry about them. And I blame myself for everything. For everything wrong in my life. For everything… just everything.

That’s not asking much right? No… I know. It’s asking A LOT. So while I’m at it, I’ll go ahead and ask for that billion dollars, too. And a pony. Just kidding. About the pony.

©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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58 Responses to in a week.

  1. Happy Early Birthday! ❤ Birthday cake is a must. Always!

    And I hear you on the friend situation. I wrote a long post on my other blog about my sudden desire to have a best friend (and I’m anti social by nature). I think online friends are awesome, but as human beings we sometimes require that real life, eye to eye, face to face interaction with someone that won’t tell an entire WhatsApp group what you said. Life…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes — you understand exactly what I’m saying. I wish I had a best friend. I’ve not had one since college… and she was kind of mean to me… she treated me like crap. I didn’t see it at the time, of course. As an adult, I find it impossible to make friends. I’m antisocial by nature, too. In person, I’m super awkward around people I don’t know. Probably makes everyone think I’m a total bitch… but really, I’m just freaking out on the inside…

      And thank you for the early birthday wishes. Cake is definitely happening… even if I have to make it myself!


      • I’m sorry your former best friend treated you like crap. I can relate to all of that! Making friends is hard as heck. First, you have to drum up the courage to talk to them, and then work up the nerve to not hide whenever you happen to see them. I’m also very uncomfortable and quiet around people I don’t know. I always joke that I tend to make friends via being desperate enough to finally ask for help or directions.

        Aw, I completely get that. I have resting bitch face on top of my quietness. When I was 17/18, I was told that I was closed off and hard to read and all sorts etc. At that point, I was in a new environment, new people and it was kind of hostile to be told that. Can a girl get some time to get used to people (typically six months lol)?

        It sucks that people just think you’re being standoffish/rude when in reality, it’s so hard to say anything and they could easily break down that barrier themselves.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I wrote something about my crappy ‘best friend’ a while back on this blog. But the backstory’s really not vital. It bugs me that I let her get away with it… that I didn’t realize what was happening at the time.

          I’m always amazed at how I can find someone like you online who understands me and even is like me (in some ways… not all ways, lucky for you!!)… yet it’s impossible to find that offline. I hate that! Online friends are great… and I do consider them ‘real’ friends but I miss the hanging out stuff, you know?

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy birthday to you in advance😄.. I have to agree with you wish list. For my many birthdays I’ve found mshelf asking internally for the same. I don’t think its asking for alot. I really hope the Universe grants these to you 🙌

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Gosh I’m sorry for all the typo’s. Seems my coffee hasn’t kicked in yet 😲

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mywords331 says:

    Wish you a very happy birthday in advance.
    Nice wish list, I guess most of us have that wish list hidden inside.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. MeghanTregellis says:

    I wish all those things for you, my friend! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Happy Birthday in advance. My list is eerily similar. And I hear you about the friend and the coffee shop. Sigh. Anyway, I will wish for those things for you as well. I hope that this year is the one that things start to turn.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hopefully, most, if not all, of those wishes come true. Especially peace. And cake. Gotta have the cake! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Since I’ve been married I’ve always made/bought my own cake, you know, cause I have to share birthday week with the two sons. Hubby has lots of good points but doing the thoughtful holiday things (beyond a card) is not one of them. It honestly doesn’t bother me anymore. Maybe encouraging the kids to make cards, decorate, etc would be good. Mine used to love to be involved. I so wish we lived closer! I’d love to meet you for coffee <3.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re the best. 🙂

      My mom always did her own cake, too. My dad wasn’t great about that, but randomly on some birthdays or Mother’s Days, he would surprise her with something like flowers or even jewelry. But not every time… so… always a surprise.

      I don’t mind doing my own cake… I think the thing that bugs me is my husband’s general lack of effort. And, well, I’m in a crappy place right now anyway. And I don’t want to get older. And so the whole thing is just miserable!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. mandibelle16 says:

    Happy almost Birthday Sandra. I hope you have an improved year, that you are able to find some work to keep you busy, that you enjoy, and as always I pray for you, even if you don’t believe it. I still think it helps and if nothing else you know my thoughts are with you. I hope your birthday is fun 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Simon says:

    I hope your birthday wishes come true! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Happy belated. I’d join you for coffee anytime.

    Liked by 1 person

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