on hold.

I’m on hold.

But before I get into that, I wanted to address something…

Yesterday I posted a poem that was a bit… devastating? I didn’t mean to scare anyone but I may have. The words are based in reality. Mine usually are. (Maybe not the fiction… okay, definitely not the fiction…) But I’m okay. The real story behind that poem is far less dramatic than the words imply. A few weeks ago, the last two lines came to me. I wrote them down because I forget everything… and last night, I wrote the rest. That’s pretty much it. Sorry if I freaked anyone out. And thank you for caring.

Back to being on hold…

School’s out in five weeks. We’re past the point where it makes any sense for me to get a job until September. (Not that I have any leads… sigh.) Anyway… with the cost of summer camp, it just doesn’t make sense right now. You must be thinking I should feel relieved… relaxed… happy, even. I don’t have to worry about this for a few months. But I don’t feel any of those things. I feel anxious… guilty… and kind of sad. Not in a crying-randomly-and-feeling-totally-hopeless kind of way. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have much hope that I’ll ever find what I need (logistically anyway) but I’m not a complete mess. I’m just not feeling like any weight has been lifted from my shoulders… and maybe I should feel that way, at least for the next few months.

I also need to contact the recruiter (the only one who has actually been trying to help me) to let her know about this pause. But I haven’t figured out how to explain without leaving her thinking I’m done or ungrateful. I don’t want her to write me off… but I don’t want to wait much longer to contact her because, you know, what if she sends me a prospective job? I’m going to have to say no… no matter what it is. So that’s bad.

I keep getting this sinking feeling. But other than introducing mind-altering substances to my body, I’m not sure how to let go of the anxiety… even if only until September (or late August).

How do I do that? How do I let go? I wish I had ‘extra‘ money so I could go to yoga or something. I just can’t seem to get myself to do it at home on my own. And I have no idea if it would help anyway…

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[In my head, I always go back and forth about posting this sort of thing. Why do I do that? I think maybe a part of me wants people to think I have my shit together… not that I’m a pathetic mess… even though in reality, I’m closer to the latter…]

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©2017 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra began writing when she was a sixth grader. She is a teller of stories through poetry, fiction, and tales from her own life. And she thinks too much. Read, think, enjoy, laugh.
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26 Responses to on hold.

  1. Guilt gets you nowhere and worry only makes you worry more. Nobody lives the perfect life and we’ll always think others are better off than us. Just go with what you have, take a deep breath and live your life one day at a time. You’ll have good days and bad like us all but yoga aint gonna make it any better or worse. Walking is free and so much better for you anyway xxxx Hold your head up, smile and be positive 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well, I’ve found that when I get too anxiety ridden about something, I feel much less stressed if I attack it rather than letting the chips fall where they may. Take back some control. Make that call to the recruiter. Tell her the situation. She’ll understand, especially if she had kids of her own. Maybe tell her you’d consider something second shift, that way you’d have the kids during the day and your husband can take care of afternoons and evenings. She’ll see your still interested and not just blowing her off. If yoga or walking or bicycling helps, then do it. Get your kids involved, make a schedule. Take back control where you can. It helps, I promise. Plus, exercise produces endorphins. Endorphins are good. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do feel better after my walk… but nothing ever really goes away. I know it’s not realistic to expect that… and I don’t… but I still want it. With the job thing… I’d only be able to do overnights and then I’d be useless all day… my poor kids. I could consider part time though, depending on the circumstances. I doubt anything will come up. Summer sucks for finding a job anyway… as I’ve heard from so many of my laid-off former colleagues.

      My son says his friends run faster than he does and he hates it. The kid is a rail but he needs to walk/run with me. My daughter already wants to do that. Maybe they will help prevent my laziness from taking over.

      I also have too much time to think at the moment. I’m hoping it’ll be better once school is out…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You know, I agree with T. And remember, there are moms who would trade places with you to be home with their kids all summer. Make the most of it while you can!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. mandibelle16 says:

    Have you thought of doing yoga on YouTube? They have some great videos on there not as good as a class with others but something else to focus on maybe? As well I’m wondering if you can get passes to city run gyms where you live. Often low income families can get a discounted rate or where I live, even a free monthly pass each month so you can do something workout, attend a class etc. It’s something I wish I could do!

    Could you just go for coffe each day order a really cold or hot and just be around people a bit. Read a paper or a book. Or blog on your phone.

    Good luck with the recruiter it was what got me into the workforce in the first place. You can only do your best just keep hoping, one day at a time my friend. It will work out! 🙏💕🎈

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t really get any help financially from anywhere because even though I’m not working, my husband is so we have too much to get any help but not enough to live off of. 😐 I’m not sure why I can’t get myself to just use some videos for yoga or something like that. I often lack motivation. Although I have been going for walks most days lately…

      Liked by 1 person

      • mandibelle16 says:

        Honestly anything is good if you can go for walks great! Do that! That’s not a great place to be in at all b/c you’re poor but not poor enough for gov’t assistance, it’s a definite flaw in the system, here too. You might not be able to get money from programs but still get benefits such as have your meds covered if anyone is on them or have access to subsidized bus passes, leisure centre passes? I just don’t know though how each state does things. I think going for coffee or tea even twice a week would help, go somewhere you can people watch and coffee or tea itself isn’t too much money.
        One thing you can do is fill out surveys so over a month you accumulate points towards day gift cards for St Starbucks, ITunes, PayPal, prepaid visa, little things like that help. Try http://www.swagbucks.com and social.i-say.com. You can fill out surveys, watch s videos, fill out pole questions, and if you do some online shopping, search through swag bucks to earn points back on your purchases. Just a thought it might help and it takes sometime.
        All the best, Im praying things work out for you and your family soon!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I do the swagbucks thing… I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do a survey though… I always get a few questions in and it tells me I’m not qualified for that survey! I’ve been doing it for, like, 2 years or something and I’ve gotten about $25. It’s barely worth it! Anyway… I guess it’s something.

          Liked by 1 person

          • mandibelle16 says:

            Hehe. If you work on it everyday or second day, you do find one or two, but it’s true there is many surveys that half way through they are like you don’t qualify and that’s annoying. But I figure if I can come out with even an extra $25 or $20 in a month, I’m okay and it pays for Starbucks or extra money towards something bought through PayPal etc. Shopping through there for online purchases if you have money or buy some of your regular household items through there helps a lot on swagbucks. I find the I-say one easier to find surveys etc. To do.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I have about $25 worth of points right now… it took me almost 2 years to earn that… so that’s about $1/month. It’s something but barely anything.

              Liked by 1 person

              • mandibelle16 says:

                Yeah I agree. I have never had the issue. Since I started it’s been easy to to get that in a month or a month and a half at the most. Sorry about that. I wish I had some other ideas for you Sandra. Hugs and prayers!

                Liked by 1 person

                • I have the worst luck of anyone on earth. I’m used to everything failing.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • mandibelle16 says:

                    The best advice I can give you is this. I realize you are not a Christian but I know when I pray it helps. Say, “God I’m going through some really terrible times right now and I need your help. These are all the issues I have and I’m placing them in your hands, trusting you to help me and find a way to help me and my family make meets end meet for me to have and activity to do with more people in the day.” Amen. Try praying every day or so for a while, it can be in private.

                    I’m saying this b/c when you pray and literally picture yourself putting all the things that worry you into God’s hands, you will feel lighter and worry less. You just have to mean it. God does not always solve our problems right away but if you can try to have a little faith, I’m certain looking back in a month or so, you will see good changes. Maybe not in the way you thought, but changes for the better no matter what they are.

                    It’s a difficult thing to trust I know but you’ve tried everything else so try praying and giving all your problems to God. You might be surprised and if not, you’re no worse off for trying.
                    🙏💕🎈it will be okay Sandra.

                    Like

                  • mandibelle16 says:

                    Oh yes, and if you are willing to tell me what state and city you are in, I can look up stuff for you to try to find some help for you. I’m a great researcher. I know u want privacy but I would never break yours. My email is mandi_ae@hotmail.com if you’d like help such as this.

                    Liked by 1 person

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