I’m on hold.
But before I get into that, I wanted to address something…
Yesterday I posted a poem that was a bit… devastating? I didn’t mean to scare anyone but I may have. The words are based in reality. Mine usually are. (Maybe not the fiction… okay, definitely not the fiction…) But I’m okay. The real story behind that poem is far less dramatic than the words imply. A few weeks ago, the last two lines came to me. I wrote them down because I forget everything… and last night, I wrote the rest. That’s pretty much it. Sorry if I freaked anyone out. And thank you for caring.
Back to being on hold…
School’s out in five weeks. We’re past the point where it makes any sense for me to get a job until September. (Not that I have any leads… sigh.) Anyway… with the cost of summer camp, it just doesn’t make sense right now. You must be thinking I should feel relieved… relaxed… happy, even. I don’t have to worry about this for a few months. But I don’t feel any of those things. I feel anxious… guilty… and kind of sad. Not in a crying-randomly-and-feeling-totally-hopeless kind of way. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t have much hope that I’ll ever find what I need (logistically anyway) but I’m not a complete mess. I’m just not feeling like any weight has been lifted from my shoulders… and maybe I should feel that way, at least for the next few months.
I also need to contact the recruiter (the only one who has actually been trying to help me) to let her know about this pause. But I haven’t figured out how to explain without leaving her thinking I’m done or ungrateful. I don’t want her to write me off… but I don’t want to wait much longer to contact her because, you know, what if she sends me a prospective job? I’m going to have to say no… no matter what it is. So that’s bad.
I keep getting this sinking feeling. But other than introducing mind-altering substances to my body, I’m not sure how to let go of the anxiety… even if only until September (or late August).
How do I do that? How do I let go? I wish I had ‘extra‘ money so I could go to yoga or something. I just can’t seem to get myself to do it at home on my own. And I have no idea if it would help anyway…
[In my head, I always go back and forth about posting this sort of thing. Why do I do that? I think maybe a part of me wants people to think I have my shit together… not that I’m a pathetic mess… even though in reality, I’m closer to the latter…]
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