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I am fine… I do not hate love… I love love. I probably love it too much. I just want to clarify… this is just a bitch session about me, mostly, but also about love. It’s not a funny post… and I apologize in advance for that. Sure, it’s autobiographical… but I’m fine. And I know fine doesn’t mean fine. But I’m not, like, rocking back and forth sobbing in the closet or anything. Not today anyway…
Since this is really about me… I could have saved it for m… but it’s about love, too.
When you’re a teenager, everyone tells you that you don’t know what love is… and that may be true. But when I think back to that time now, I think I did have love whether I truly knew what it was back then or not. I don’t think it was forever-and-ever-he-is-my-destiny love (although I believed that at the time) but I do think I was in love… with Glen. And I think it’s because, in large part, we were friends first with no romantic intentions.
We weren’t trying to go anywhere else when we were friends. We just were. And then he kissed me and you know how it goes… I was too preoccupied with the wrong things… or the wrong people… to realize how great he was. Together for a year. Until I drove him away.
I went through much of college alone. And by alone, I mean, far from alone… but without a boyfriend. Just ‘boys’. I guess you could say I really ‘came out of my shell’ in college. And I made this amazing friend. David and I met in the coffeehouse on the first floor of my dorm at a meeting he set up to start a small comic ‘newspaper’. That happened.
We were friends for nearly the entire college year… best friends, almost. And then I met some guy who asked me ‘out’ and David told me he couldn’t take it anymore. I was clueless even though I had spent the last two weeks telling my friend A that I wish he’d make a move because I was too scared to do it myself. And because, as I told A… “I think I’m in love with him.” He did make a move… and we were together for four years. I wish we were still together. It was the best relationship I ever had. Until I drove him away.
I have a pattern. And I never saw it until this past year. Maybe my excuse for not seeing it is that there were only two in this pattern. A long friendship led to us falling in love. And my relationship with him (either one of the above) grew and everything was right. So I, of course, thought something was wrong. [Yeah, I don’t understand it/me either.] It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I ruin the best things in my life.
I ruin love.
Is it because of some subconscious feeling that I don’t deserve it? Maybe. But it’s pointless to think about it now. I’m not going to fall in love again… or have anyone fall in love with me again. Not in this lifetime.
My husband and I were not friends before we started dating…
I would never break up a family, including my own. And I know I paint him as kind of an asshat, and he does frustrate the fuck out of me at times… but he’s not a bad guy. He’s a good one… but… again…
My husband and I were not friends before we started dating…
Sigh. Love sucks. You know, when something’s missing.
Maybe I’ll be reincarnated as a kitten. Tons of people love kittens.
Yeah, but kittens get furballs stuck in their throat and you wouldn’t want that.
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Yeah… that would be pretty gross. But I’d be so cute and people would call me Kitten.
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Meow! 😸
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😼
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What if’s are only good for creative writing, no good for life, and absolutely useless for love. But, there again, just what if?
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What if I could stop thinking what if…?
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It will never happen!
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Hey, kittens and imaginary stalkers are the only things that get me through day!
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Good to know! 🙂
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Hey, where’d you get the reincarnation idea from? 😉
Just out of curiosity, doesn’t your husband read your blog?
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Well… I’ve had the reincarnation idea for many years… but I do remember your recent post.
And no… my husband does not read my blog. I never wanted him to… but I ended up asking him (before I got TOO personal) if he wanted to read it… and he said no! So… he doesn’t know the address or anything. I’m sure with a bit of research, he could figure it out… but he’s not interested. He’s not interested in my fiction or poetry either…
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Haha – you know I was just teasing. The concept of reincarnation is not under copyright. 😉 Ah…okay. Your husband sounds a lot like my significant other, who’s also not interested in my writing. Thanks for the clarification, Sandra.
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In the now immortal words of the recently passed J. Geils, love stinks….most of the time. We all have what-ifs. We’ve all made mistakes. But, the past is the past. Again, don’t beat yourself up. I agree about the friends first thing. That was the case with my wife and me. That’s legit. Beating yourself up is not. 😊
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I don’t know. I just wish I could have that. And it’s hard not to blame myself because I did have it… twice… and both times I fucked it up. I kind of think we only get so many… and I’m sure I’m already well past my allotment…
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Never say never. 😊
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Aww, hubby and I weren’t friends first. We met, we dated, got married seven months later and together ever since. Lots of ups and downs over the years but way more good times than bad. I wish your good guy was the love of your life, but I guess it doesn’t always work out that way …
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It’s not like you have to be friends first… tons of people have wonderful relationships without that. It just seems that for me, that’s what works… what turns out more “right” than otherwise. I think my poor decisions have a lot to do with impatience… and me being crazy…
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Aww, you’re not!
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Just think kittens. Kittens make it all better. And puppies. And furry baby animals. And ducklings. 😀
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I saw a kitty on my front step this morning… not my cat. Maybe it’s a sign…
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H and I were friends first. We’re still friends. Honestly, if I hadn’t made a move first, I think we’d have stayed friends, lol! So sometimes I have to remind him he needs to romance me, damn it!
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I think most men need that reminder. Sucks!
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It does! 😦
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Do you think that it’s “safer” to run away before they leave you? And to stay with someone who can’t ever truly know YOU?
Because if so you and i have some things in common….
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I think we do because yes… it feels safer (or something?) to be in control of losing someone… so I think I leave them before they have the chance to leave me. And then I end up with someone who I’m maybe not afraid will leave me so I stay… even though I know it’s not right… not as good as it could/should be…
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I actually relate to this very hard. I almost didn’t stay with the hubs when we first started dating because I knew he could “know” me and truly HURT me.
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I never really thought about NOT staying with my husband in the beginning but maybe I should have. Not that it’s the worst relationship ever or anything… but it’s not what it should be… not what I think it should be…
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I know someone who is in this situation as well. When he loves you more, sometimes you think that’s enough for both of you….for a while.
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I just wish I’d seen a lot of what I see now a long time ago. Kind of past the point of no return now… And it’s not like I can get back what I never should have let go…
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I feel all those feels, chica.
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♥
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