I seem to be in a place of abundant emptiness. Yes, I do see the contradiction.
I have thoughts running around inside my head… some I’ve made notes of… some I cannot understand. And through all of this, I have written nothing. No fiction, no poetry, no deep thoughts. Nothing.
I struggle to read… I can’t keep up… I feel guilty as hell. I struggle to write… to accomplish anything. I haven’t posted and I feel that I’ve disappointed people (or just bored them to death). I hate that feeling. I am all too familiar with disappointing myself but I hate when I disappoint others.
The irony is that my messed up head has actually been letting me feel a little better lately. I would think that would help me get things done. But… not so much.
It’s weird that I feel overwhelmed and exhausted trying to keep up with what I have to do for the holidays since I can’t do most of what I’d normally do. I try to give myself time to just sit and write because I feel the need to… but I can’t do it. Something screams at me… something else I need to do.
I’m distracted anyway. I’m too distracted by other things pulling at me… so I can’t write. I’m too distracted by the thoughts and scribbles I have for writing… so I can’t deal with the other things pulling at me.
I’m not sure how to break out of this. I’m all over the place but I need to visit one place at a time. Not sure why I can’t just do that.
Maybe I’ll be able to do something useful soon. Post something worth reading. I’m trying not to give up on me. I hope you won’t give up on me either.
Trying to let these wise words guide me…