the monster.

monster.

Someone has come into my life. More like barged in. And more like something, not someone. I call him Franx. (Him? I have no fucking idea if this thing even has a gender. For now, him.) He’s a fucking monster. I’ve enlisted Giles to assist, but he hasn’t done enough research yet to discover Franx’s weakness… what it will take to kill him… whether I will need weapons or a really strong fist or a side kick or the help of a friend or of a witch.

Give it up, Franx! Seriously. You’ve exhausted me. I sure as fuck hope the witch is the answer. Spells are so much neater. But I’ll probably have to kick the hell out of him. Strong, hard kicks, bringing his insides to the outside. I hope Giles comes through with that weak spot. That would really simplify the kill.

But until I can vanquish this fucking beast…

frustrated-comp

He has stolen my magic. (My ‘mojo’? I HATE that word.)

I have been trying to write #45/part 23 (secret admirer) for TWO fucking weeks.

I type a few words. But Franx is in my head. They’re all wrong. Delete. Try again. Still wrong. Delete. Try again. De-fucking-lete. Fuck off, Franx!

He has stolen my words. Okay, fine. My good words.

snoopy

But yesterday, he gave me a break. A very short reprieve. He let me use some of the good words. And I wrote. A little. Not much… not enough. And I’ve already edited it about 12 times.

I feel his breath on the back of my neck. And not in the sexy-man-about-to-devour-me kind of way. (DAMMIT!) No. In the fucking-monster-is-about-to-devour-me kind of way. Fuck, did he let me have those pitifully small bits I wrote yesterday to tease me?

And who the hell invited Franx?

Oh… I already know the answer.

I did.

I didn’t know I was inviting him. I was just reading that ancient prophecy. Who knew it would bring forth Franx? And who knew he would be so hard to fight? Every swing I take makes him stronger. Stronger, God dammit! Hurry up, Giles. I know he’s a bitch of a monster to destroy but I need the weak spot. I need it now.

Every new position I try to get, every new role I think I can fill, every hour I spend searching… Franx tightens his grip on me. He tries to throw me back to the bottom of the hole I’ve been trying to escape.

Despite my attempts to attack him, I’ve been brushed off like a fly on his shoulder… and if I get too close, he flattens me. But I have to keep climbing until I can get out and stop him. Or at least slow him down.

Do I need to go back to the library and help Giles with his never ending research? Because when I think I’ve found the right weapon, it turns out I haven’t at all. It’s really hard to not feel like a failure.

fail.

I love those moments when I can hide from Franx. I know he’s still there. I need to be away from him sometimes. I know he’s still there. I want to do something that’s not about fighting Franx. I know he’s still there. I want Franx to get the fuck out of my head. I know he’s still there. I want Franx to stop invading every part of my life. I know he’s still there.

I have emails I haven’t answered (probably a week behind now)…
I have blogs I haven’t read (at least 3 or 4 days behind now)…
I have errands left undone (but Franx gives in a little, only for the kids)…
I have hours of sleep I haven’t slept (Franx, you annoying fuck)…

Until I find the right weapon, the right tactic, the right kill zone… I have to keep looking. But I also need Franx to let me live my fucking life once in a while.

I want friends. Sure, I want to vent. (And I hope the Franx story makes this vent bearable.) But even more, I want to laugh. I want a break from the surrounded-by-people-and-Franx-but-still-lonely loneliness. I want to feel good about myself even if Franx keeps trying to take that away from me. I want to break the detrimental circular thinking. I want to be the beautiful person some of you actually believe I am. And I want to believe it, too.

glyphicons-233-cloud

If you haven’t lost interest… I guess you could go back to the last secret admirer post and read it again. And with any luck I will write… and post… soon. And I will not necessarily wait until a Friday to post… because that would just be mean. And I don’t want to be Franx.

btvs

©2016 what sandra thinks (you know, the words. the rest… not me)
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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, fiction, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

85 Responses to the monster.

  1. Simon says:

    Franz sounds demanding…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, I agree with Simon. And maybe pretend you’re doing the November marathon write thing and just write and don’t edit till you get the whole thing down. I love you, friend ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do have a problem with that. Al was saying the same thing — trying to stop oneself from constantly editing while writing. It is a problem I have always had! Damn, you know, I am SO sick of the creeping thought in my head… the one I can’t kill. If it fades, the moment I notice it has faded, of course, it’s back. I’m especially frustrated about the story. I need to write it before everyone forgets about it! I hate that I can’t get it done! Sigh. Love you, too, Diane. And thank you. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Kay says:

    I agree with Diane! Maybe try writing and not editing until you have it all down! Fuck Franz!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Kay. I need to try to do that. I don’t know why that’s so hard for me… but it’s very annoying! And if only Franx was easier to destroy… I need a real slayer!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kay says:

        I can relate…..expectations for myself can be very unrealistic and very high. Plus, if I can’t do it according to those expectations, it’s easy to feel like I’m failing, avoid those tasks, get overwhelmed at the not completing the tasks, thereby perpetuating the self defeating and self deprecating, ugly voice in my head! It can be horrible cycle. Perfectionism is not my friend! The only way I can stop the cycle is to forgive myself. Change the expectations. Tell the ugly voice to shut the fuck up. Ask for help. I’ll struggle with this no doubt for a very long time. That voice may always be there for me to hush.

        Maybe more than you cared to know…💜💜💜💜

        Liked by 1 person

        • I care! And I relate right back. I think the kicker right now is that in addition to the pressure I subconsciously put on myself… the often unrealistic expectations I demand of myself… is the absolute nightmare of a job search. (I’m not even sure that little metaphor made it out of this post… maybe only the writing part did…) I think it feels like what it must feel like for a writer to be rejected by a publisher or an agent or something. I finally get my shit together and apply for jobs… and rejection. And then… rejection. It is very difficult to avoid the self-deprecation… the feelings of failure… And then all the “what if” I had done [some past thing] differently… then things would be better… blah blah blah. Oh… to ask for help… hell, I don’t even know who to ask anymore. And if rambling on about it isn’t helping me, then that’s not even what I need to do. But I’m not sure what I need to do… other than the stuff I’m already doing. I just don’t seem to get the results I’m after even if I do ‘everything right’… The Franx curse. Ugh. Thanks, Kay. ♥♥♥

          Like

  4. memeethemuse says:

    Wonderfully written story about writer’s block. I would love to reblog this! May I? Let me know, thank you!

    ☀ Memee

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello and thank you! And I truly appreciate that you asked before just reblogging. I know people love reblogs (kind of as free advertising), but I’m not a fan. I much prefer just a link. That being said, even without the reblog button on my posts, people still seem to be able to do it (I figured out how) and I have no control over that. Again, I appreciate it very much that you asked me. 🙂

      Like

      • memeethemuse says:

        I do it totally different than other people. At the very top I provide two links to your site. One to your home page where all of your most recent stuff is and one to your about page where they learn all about you.

        Here is a link to one of my reblogs so you can see how I do it and make an informed decision.

        https://memeesmusings.com/2015/12/24/the-terrible-night-before-christmas/

        Most bloggers are writers too so they understand the feelings you describe in your post. That is why I want to share it.

        Check it out and let me know what you decide. Thank you.

        Like

        • But having the entire post on your blog gives no one a reason to visit mine… which defeats the benefit of it for me anyway. And having my whole post on someone else’s blog just makes it feel stolen, credit or not. That’s exactly what makes me hate reblogs – my content on someone else’s blog! Especially all of it! Also… blogs have been shut down for having the same post on multiple blogs! That concerns me even more. So I would not want this at all. I understand why you want to share it, but I am not comfortable with this at all. I appreciate your thoughts… But I do hope you’ll respect my decision.

          Like

  5. mandibelle16 says:

    Keep fighting. Sometimes even though you don’t have the words you want, just right anyways until you’re out of ideas. You can clean it up later. But honestly if you’ve issued concentrating, I can understand. Keep dong what you’re doing. Excited for new part for secret admirer whenever it comes. I’m sure Giles will come up with something!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Meg Sorick says:

    Hey, I do that whole write nonsense till the block passes. Make out Amy’s grocery list and have her clean out Dan’s closet and dump his clothes at Goodwill or something. Just till you work through it.I had a bit of a crisis at the beginning of October- wrote about it ‘elsewhere’ – about losing James (my inner voice) … we writers are all such weirdos! So know you’re not alone. As for the job search, hang in there. I know how the rejection feels from the querying aspect. Love ya, babe!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was wondering if the job search metaphor was drowned in the writers’ block stuff! Well maybe it is for some… But you can kinda read my mind. Which must be very frightening for you! Thanks so much for your thoughts… and support… And fur helping lift me up. You’re like a bra. 😄

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg Sorick says:

        Hahaha! I’m a bra! I’m going to put that in my about page! I do get it. The blank brain is a terrifying thing… what if it never fills back up again? I’m at 10,314 on the novel, my brain is mush! It’s NYC weekend though so art and theater is a nice break. This goddamn election though!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I get it. Sometimes, you just wish you could have a volume control in your mind, and turn it all the way down, or to another station? It’s like, “Shut up already!”? Sucks. 😕

    Liked by 1 person

  8. VictoryInTrouble says:

    Ugh, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Inner voices can sometimes be so hard to deal with. I hope Franx shuts the f up soon! Don’t worry about the next installment, you don’t owe anybody anything, you know? We just wait and when it’s here, we will be happy. But there’s no pressure. And it’s not a hardship to read anything over again to refresh the memory! Trust me! I hope you have a great weekend. Give yourself permission to do nothing this weekend and then start fresh if you can. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Miriam says:

    I wrote you a long message Sandra and then it just disappeared! 🙁 I just want you to know that I get where you’re coming from. And that I’ve done the whole writing, purging and burning bit and trust me, it works! Hang in there my friend, you might feel as though you’ve lost it but, as much as this post was a vent, it was also brilliantly written. Sending you hugs, smiles and friendship. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, M. (And I hate when WP does that disappearing thing!) I’m just frustrated… exhausted… I want a break. I think I can purge and burn some of it… but the big one — the job situation… I can’t get rid of that one. I have to keep going back to it… and it’s hell. Feels like I’m torturing myself (as of now, for nothing). Oh, and I knew someone would point out that one thing — I’m having trouble writing what I’m trying to write… but I managed to write this post. No idea what’s wrong with my brain! Thank you again… ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  10. magarisa says:

    I’ve read the other comments here and don’t have much to add, except to say that I know how terrifying it is to feel as if your mind is ‘blank’ and to worry that it will stay that way! You’ve got lots of support here to defeat that F-ing Franx! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You are fighting the good fight against Franx, and I bet you’ll soon figure out the best tools for defeating him!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Well, this is totally unacceptable, and as a result, we are going to cut your pay in half…

    oh. wait.

    There are no deadlines. You do as you can. We’ll wait and be happy for whatever we get! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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