scared.

lie down.I am scared. I think my denial has gone too far but I’ve not been able to stop it or get out of it.

Warning… colorful language ahead. I assume. I haven’t written this yet, but I already know. And this will probably be too long… also, possibly with typos because once I get this out, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to read it again. I’m sticking in a “read more” so this doesn’t take over my blog feed. Thank you in advance.

stuck.

I have been unemployed too long. We had some savings so it was okay for a while. Just be Mom for a bit. But it’s not okay anymore. I am running out of money. Not today or tomorrow. It’s not like that. But the numbers are getting scary. And I (we) still have bills to pay.

Why the fuck am I unable to get out of this? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Issues of other sorts aside, my husband can’t help or even say much to make me feel better because the money stuff scares the fuck out of him, too. And it’s my fault. All of it.

Fine, maybe not all of it… he is a bit of a spender and I really wish he would at least try to improve there. But still… 

dreamworld.

I have been living in a ridiculous dreamworld for months. I’ve been pretending I’m a writer and everything is going to be okay (those two things not necessarily related). But, fuck. No one is paying me for writing or anything else. It’s not a job. It’s a hobby. I’m not a writer. It’s a fantasy. Fuck, even if I had buckets of confidence, I would not make a living as a writer any more than I’m going to be cast as the next fucking Batman (gender notwithstanding).

I don’t know where I thought money was going to come from. Rain down on me from the black cloud above? I don’t know why I let this go on as long as it has. No income… and no hope of ever being able to recover the savings lost. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have ridiculous fantasies about finding a job I might actually like. I’ve had those fantasies ever since I was laid off from a job I hated. But I thought I’d have my severance, unused vacation pay, some unemployment… I thought by the time that money was gone or maybe not even gone, I’d be working again. But I’ve not been able to try very hard or very often.

What the hell did my fucked-up brain think was going to happen? Someone was going to come to me and just hand me a job with decent pay and a non-hellish environment? Really? Is that what I thought? There would just be this miraculous event? What am I? A 5-year-old? The tooth fairy is not bringing me buckets of money no matter how many teeth I offer. And Santa Claus is not coming to fucking town.

paralyzed.

How fucked up am I that I can write all of this… all of these very words… by which you can see that I know what I have to do and what I have to stop doing. I know, god dammit! So why the fuck can’t I do it? Why do I keep thinking something is just going to happen? Dammit. I know nothing will be handed to me (really, when does that ever happen?)… I have to do something. So why am I fucking paralyzed?

denial.

Right now, as I type this, I’m hoping my denial will kick back in so I can stop feeling this way. Go back to pretending everything’s going to be okay. But it’s not. It’s not going to be okay. So why am I dying for my denial to come back and take over my brain again?

I will get back some of the denial. I will block out the bad… pretend it doesn’t exist. I will dump my brain inside a poem or a story I’m writing and I will pretend I’m someone else… someone who has their shit together. Someone who can have a happy ending. And I will appear okay on the outside. I’ve become an expert at that.

my babies.

But I can’t keep doing this. I’m a mother, for fuck’s sake. (Why I ever thought becoming oe was a good idea for me, I’ll never know…) I have to take care of my children. I love them. They know that and they are happy kids. But they are not stupid. I try but I can’t hide my emotions all the time.

Hell, when my (amazing) son said goodnight to me last night, he said, “Mom, you look sad”. My 11-year-old kid should not have to worry about me. It broke my heart. It still hurts.

And my daughter. Let me just say that I am very careful with my diet… I let myself have treats occasionally, but I am good the rest of the time. (No treats at all is not recommended. And I’d probably be a serial killer or something.) I have to watch it because I’ve got Dad’s genes. Step too far out of line and grow… not up.

I am not perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be, but my poor daughter got those damn genes. She sees her friends who come in all shapes and sizes. And she sees that she’s got hips and a bum that some have and some don’t. She is 8, almost 9, and she already thinks she’s “fat”. It breaks my heart. And I say, “Honey, you’re a growing kid! It’s normal that your jeans from last year don’t fit! Your brother’s don’t either!” And she says that his are only too short… hers are too short and too tight. He’s a boy… (and he’s always been a rail). Someday she will be happy she has curves. But not today.

I did this to them. I made the boy a worrier and I gave the girl crappy genes.

fail.

I have wasted all of these months that I’ve been unemployed. Wasted. I think of how things would be today if I lost that job or never made a decision to spend any time as just Mom. Because just Mom became a habit, a way of life, and I can’t imagine any other… no matter how much I need to work (both financially and psychologically).

No matter how much half of my head is screaming “FUCKING DO SOMETHING, BITCH!”… the other half is still saying “go on writing and pretending it’s ever going to matter… go on thinking that somehow, something good will just fall into my life…” But it won’t.

desperate.

I really am trying. If you know me at all, you know this is huge for me: I finally went to a therapist. He’s a nice guy. He’s not going to just sit there while I talk. He has already made me do ‘homework’. I am still not at all confident any of it will help. I am so fucking negative. After the first appointment, I spent 20 minutes sobbing in my car in the parking lot before I could drive home. All I can think is it won’t work… and there’s really no help for me. This is my life now.

I don’t eat (like, I skip meals… until I am so nauseous from it that I have to force myself to eat something). My sleep is all fucked up. I can get 4 hours of sleep or 12 and have to talk myself out of bed. Oh, I get my ass up early to bring the kids to school. I can do things for them. After morning drop-off, I come home and go back to bed. I just make sure I’m ready to pick the kids up. I get dinner on the table for my family. Sometimes I have a few bites. I can do for them. I am not a bad mother. I love them so much. I wish I could be better.

something.

You don’t have to say anything… I know there’s no quick solution… I know there really is nothing to say… I know I’m way beyond ‘needing a little advice from a friend’. That (and utter desperation) is why I finally caved on the therapist thing. I still think it could very well be a total waste of time (and copays)… but I am trying, God dammit. I look at fucking job listings online. It breaks me but I do it anyway. But I find nothing… and I give up and eventually stop crying. Until next time. I know I’m not doing enough… it’s actually quite pathetic. But I guess it’s something.

This is why I’ve had trouble talking. To anyone. I’ve had trouble keeping up with everyone’s blogs. I’ve had trouble commenting. I will love your post so much but I can’t figure out how to say anything. I’m not being mean. I’m so sorry if I’ve hurt anyone.  I just have so much “can’t” right now.

Except in dreamworld.

x

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves music, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, autobiographical, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

87 Responses to scared.

  1. The V Pub says:

    Far be it for me not to say anything. Your employment situation is something that you’ve been carrying for a while. While it may be or not be that important right now (we all seem to make things work), it’s clearly bothering you. You can still write and do the things that you want, even with a job. Gotta get rid of that ‘can’t’ in your lexicon for the time being. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mr Modigliani says:

    I firmly believe that writing is good therapy, but writing, support from friends and firm actions deliver the best results. I know you are very worried and we are all here to support you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Eric says:

    Sandra. I’m so sorry you are dealing with all of this. The only thing I can say…and it’s been said to me a million times and I don’t do it either, I be gentle with yourself. All of the things you say may be true. But even if they are there is no reason to bash yourself so badly. There are many of us, myself included, who are beyond overwhelmed with responsibility. The very fact that you are able to identify a problem says you have not given up on yourself.

    I wish I could say everything will be fine and have it actually mean something. But things will eventually get better. In the meantime, hold onto your friends and your children and continue to persevere.

    All my best, Lady. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Marquessa says:

    I know that it’s easier said than done but you have to be easier in yourself. You’ve taken a huge first step and we support you. And sharing your fears is an even bigger step…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ll start off by saying this post is the first I’ve seen of your blog. I will only speak from what you have said here in the moment at this point in time. Dealing with self-worth when you leave a job is a very real struggle. You do get a sense in the back of your head of “I can’t” and it hampers you from making progress to move forward. Thankfully you have had some savings to fall back on while you are in transition, but you want to come out of this stronger than you went in. Having come through a similar situation myself, I strongly recommend keeping active in some kind of respect. One of the things I hate most in life (other than moving) is job hunting. I absolutely cannot stand it. You will search and search and only come kind of close to something that may be good. You will fill out applications with the same information over and over till you are blue in the face and feel like you hear nothing. You have to keep moving; for you and your family. You will have the support behind you as you search from your husband and children. You can also have this be a story you show as an example to your kids when you made it through an adverse time in your life; that you never gave up.

    As much as we may want to set things aside and escape life for a while, it still will be here for us when we return. Escapes are good to a point; they help salvage our sanity. In your day, schedule this stuff for yourself. Write, read, take it easy. But this needs to be scheduled, set aside time. The search for making your situation better will have to be a priority. I don’t say this to you to sound naggy or even condescending. You’re a grown adult who knows all this. I offer this more as encouragement from someone who kept going and came through better at the end. I’ve found these things work out for our betterment in the long run, we just have to trust that they will.

    I will be following your progress through your blog as you make changes for the better. I wish you strength and perseverance as you go forth. Go get ’em!

    Like

    • I am pretty horrified that this is the first post you’ve read here. I don’t deny that I’m messed up. But I hate the feeling that people may think “being messed up” is all I am. But, timing happens as it will.
      I hated my job so when I found out I was going to be laid off, I was fine with it. And the timing was perfect for me to take the summer off and skip paying for summer camp for the kids. But the time off grew… and the longer it went on, the harder it was to even consider job hunting. I knew the financial situation would only get worse as time passed, but I chose denial (subconsciously). And yes, job hunting is one of the things I hate most, too. Just thinking of it makes me anxious… often paralyzingly (not a word) so.
      My greatest frustrations are (1) I do know what I need to do but I can’t seem to do it, and (2) My creative talents and abilities are worthless without being part of my work experience or education.
      I do thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences with me, especially since we have never met before. I hope you’ll find other things to enjoy on my blog… and that you won’t think I’m just this messed up person.

      Like

  6. Meg Sorick says:

    I won’t try to say anything, other than I care about you. I hate to see you suffering and if I had a way, I’d make it all better for you. All I can give is my love and support. And my shoulder to cry on if you want it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And you know I appreciate your friendship SO much. I wish I was a better friend to you… and to everyone. I may seem self-centered but believe me… I’d rather be talking and listening to a friend any damn day than drowning in my own crap.

      Like

  7. Sandra.
    I hear ya. Been there in bits and pieces. Did a bit of journaling (the days before blogging), but still never wrote all of everything down because I was afraid at some point my kids would see it.
    Congrats on going to the therapist. So much courage you have. Keep it up.
    Also, as said by others, be gentle on yourself. It’s a series of steps to go beyond. And each advance is a step. Some are big steps, some are tiny steps, but progress is not an all-at-once deal.
    And you are a writer. You can write. Dammit. Yes you can. Shut-up. You can, and everyone here will say the same.
    As others have said, we are here for you. Every one of us offer our support and prayers and bright thoughts to you.
    Keep moving, kiddo. You’re doing good. Remember, it’s steps. Take them one at a time, but keep taking them. You’ll get to the top, even if they’re itty bitty steps.
    Sending a virtual hug!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, I am anonymous-ish here for a reason… and if I ever had my name out there attached to anything I’m pretty sure it would be Sandra NotMyRealLastName.
      Some of the things you said truly fascinate me… in that I would never think those things about me and I would never think others would see them in me. Courage… that’s the big one. I don’t feel courageous at all!
      I know I’m too hard on myself… I always have been… even as a young kid. It’s what Mr. Therapy latched onto right away…
      For you to consider me a writer… well, thank you. I think it’s, ironically, my lack of courage to try to take it to the next level that makes me feel like I’m not a ‘real’ writer…
      And thank you thank you thank you for your support and hug.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I won’t say a thing. Other than quit beating yourself up. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Halycon Prana says:

    I hate giving advice, I always feel like a hypocrite, but here’s my 50 cents. Go for a short jog. This will help release a lot of the tension and stress you are carrying inside. It will also allow the mental space to start planning your next move. Make sure you are getting enough water too. The jog and water will help with trying you out enough to sleep. As far as work goes, you clearly have a talent for creative writing, both fantasy and non fantasy. Perhaps pick a bunch of the best of these two types of writing and start sending them out to relevant businesses or people in a linked industry. Perhaps show the success and following you have gained through your blogging. And just keep up the hard work that you have been doing with regards to the rest of your life. I know the jogging may sound silly or irrelevant, but from someone who has tried everything from street drugs to a wide range of the latest pharmaceutical medication, nothing has worked as well as running / jogging a short distance. Also try not to beat yourself up too much when you are in give up mode, just allow it to be, allow it to pass and then get back to it. You are clearly a superb mother, wife, human being, and your are also gifted with language and creative thinking / your imagination. Also do you have ads on your blog? If not perhaps think about adding ads to start generating a passive income from the great work you do here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate this. I do get the jog and drink enough water thing. I do that. The water, always. The exercise… some days I just can’t get myself to do it.

      The work thing… honestly, it sounds great to try to get a job that involves my creativity, writing, etc. But in the real world, no one will even consider me if I don’t have relevant education and/or work experience. And I could never point anyone to my blog to see my writing. I’ve got way too much personal and somewhat/sometimes ‘inappropriate’ content here. I have no idea who/where/what sort of business I’d send something to anyway. It sucks, but the reality is that how good I am at something is irrelevant in the job hunting world. They will see my work experience and toss me in the trash and move on.

      I honestly hate ads on blogs. I have thought about doing that, but I can’t afford to pay to self-host… I don’t want to self-host, every time someone I know switches to self-hosting, they pretty much disappear and their blog has so many ads and pop-ups that I never want to visit again. And… from what I’ve heard from a friend online of mine who’s doing this, ads on her site earn her less than $5/month. And she’s spent a LOT of money setting herself up. It doesn’t even matter if it’s an investment… I can’t do that.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Kay says:

    I don’t have any magical advice. (And you don’t need any, anyway). I have love and support, and I’m always happy to listen. And offer you a beer. Or coffee. (Because lets face it, many times I’d rather coffee than beer these days). And laughter. I’m always good for that.💜

    Liked by 1 person

  11. VictoryInTrouble says:

    Sandra, look how many people love you and want the best for you! ❤️ This outpouring of support makes me cry. So much love here!! I can just offer hugs and a soft heart that hurts along with you. I know you’ll make it and you’ll do what needs to be done. In time, things will get better. Maybe your son worries but he cares and that’s so important for young men! And yes, your daughter will love her curves one day. You are a great mom! Hugs, lovely. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I have been crying all day reading all of these comments. I don’t know if I’ll ever grasp people caring about me when I think I’m the least worthy person on earth. And those are the posts that make me feel the most love and support, to be honest — not the advice… not that I don’t appreciate that because I do… but I’ve heard it all before. My problem isn’t so much what to do. It’s how to do it. There’s no advice for that… it’s a personality disorder (I think). What touches me most are the words that tell me someone truly cares about me… because I don’t know that I deserve it or if I’m even likable (not lickable… that’s a different thing). You are wonderful and I appreciate your hugs and support and I’m sorry I’m such a downer.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. A year-and-a-half ago I was unemployed, my husband was unemployed and I was facing a lumpectomy. I tell you this because I understand the horrible depression and anxiety. The only thing I could find that worked was to take little baby steps every day. If that one baby step is just Googling recruiters, then you have moved ahead. I still have things that I’m trying to pull myself out of and it is hard. It is very hard to remember the baby steps but take those baby steps. My email address is hotmess@hotmessmemoir.com. With two children myself, I get every single thing you’re saying and if you want help please email me and we can talk more!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so wonderful to offer your support and share your experiences. I know I’m not the only, the first, or the last to go through this. But I do feel like I’m the worst at getting out of it. I should have been taking baby steps from the start. But I didn’t I have been in denial pretty much the whole time I’ve been unemployed… and it’s been quite a while. (I don’t even like to admit how long because I’m embarrassed at how pathetic I am…) It was really hard for me to give in and see a therapist and I still don’t believe it will help. And I think in my head, I wanted it to fix everything in an appointment or two even though I know exactly how ridiculous that is. I am rambling about nothing now and I’m going to stop. Thank you so much for your support and offering your email. If I email you, I hope you won’t regret that offer!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Girl…I see a therapist (well, I will start again once insurance kicks in again) and its the best thing ever. He is truly gifted. The trick is finding one that fits you. I feel like a loser ALL THE TIME. I am almost 40 and have 0…I repeat 0 saved for retirement. Meanwhile friends are becoming CEO’s and WTF’s and I’m like…what the hell am I doing. We just visited my son’s friends house (read the post so u too can be nauseated) which is 1 million plus and I’m like, “I have $9.11 in my account till Friday”. I am proud of you and you know why? Because above all the depression and anxiety, you push through it and are a mom! I know it’s tough and it sucks beyond belief but you throw the gauntlet down to life and ensure your babies are taken care of. That in itself is a baby step.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh, I can’t even think about retirement savings. That sends me down another dark path. I don’t know what I want to be… I never have… so I’ve never gotten anywhere. Yes – the old classmates who have these big fat high-paying jobs… I can’t stand even knowing about it. Oh, I totally feel like a loser. And yeah… my kids’ friend’s houses… I hate even seeing them. They’re not quite as unbearable as what you mention, but still. It’s like everyone on earth is better off than I am. How do I know if my therapist fits me? I really don’t know the answer to that. All I know is that it took me months to be able to start seeing him and it would end up taking months for me to call a different one. But still… how do I know if we fit or not? I just don’t think I can bear looking for another one anyway…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Then pls dont look for a new one. You can do that on another baby step. I chalk it up as this: if you feel like you are talking to an old friend, you have found the right one. If your therapist clearly has a response prepared before you are even done talking-WRONG. If he or she comes to a conclusion and your thinking to yourself, ‘ummm, no…not exactly…’. Again wrong.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Well, this therapist is not “talk therapy”… he’s more behavior modification. So I don’t just sit there and talk… so it’s hard to say if I feel like I’m talking to an old friend… or not. I don’t think he’s got prepared responses or anything. But I still don’t know if it’s right. I have only been twice so far…

              Like

  13. I think you are a beautiful writer Sandra! You already are a writer 🙂 I know it’s been said in almost every comment above this one, but be kind to you! and know that you have a great big support system here cheering you on! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know, I sometimes imagine the day I can come here and make a post to say that I got an interview… or even someday a job. And then sometimes, I feel like those things are never going to happen. And sometimes (often), I think that if I asked for support nearly as often as I feel like I need it, there would be no one here anymore. I’m good at scaring people away. Someone once told me that personal posts like this make me look unstable and they scare people off. Maybe it’s not true, but it stays with me. Thanks for being such a good friend… and one of my first here. ♥

      Like

      • Whoever told you that needs to be punched in the throat! I know I’m Canadian and suppose to be all “peaceful” and stuff but give me a hockey stick and I’ll get that job done and take my 2 minutes for slashing….probably 5 since it would be to the throat…..

        Asking for help or support doesn’t scare true friends away. It gives them a chance to be supportive and show they care about you. One day you’ll be able to make that interview/job post and you’ll be showered with congratulations because we all love you Sandra! When you are happy and when you are struggling. ❤

        I'm glad we became friends through our blogs! 🙂 And you know you can always email me if you need anything!

        Liked by 2 people

  14. Hi, sweetie, you know I love you and sending the best vibes I can find to you. The therapist sounds decent, keep moving forward, take those little steps! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I feel lost… which is ridiculous because I’ve been in the same mess for so long. How do I know if I “fit” with this therapist? I really have no idea. But it took me SO long to see one at all, I cannot imagine having to try again. And my God, no one should have to deal with my crap. Thank you so much for your support. Much love ♥

      Like

  15. magarisa says:

    This kind of personal post does NOT scare me off; my heart goes out to you, and I can relate to some parts of your experience with unemployment and your feeling of “can’t”. I don’t have any advice except to say keep writing, even if you think it sucks. You are a writer REGARDLESS of the fact that you don’t get paid for writing. You have touched a lot of people with your posts…look at how many of us like and comment on your writing! I can relate very well to your mentality about money; I also have my head in the clouds until I am absolutely forced to think about finances.
    I’m here for you if you need me.

    Like

  16. Miriam says:

    Hey Sandra, we’ve had plenty of private chats and you know I can relate, in lots of areas. I’m still going through crap and trying to work things out in my head and like you the work motivation is zero. But hey sister, don’t give up. There’s always tomorrow. Why don’t you start a portfolio and pitch your work to a magazine? Call me crazy if you like but you just never know what could happen. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug (which you may not want cos I have a lousy cold) 😒 Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so sorry you’re sick. 😦 But I’ll take the hug anyway.
      I do know that you can relate to lots of this. What I lack (and I believe you have) is positivity. I am such a worst-case-scenario person. It just seems like everything goes wrong… not just big serious things… but even little stupid things.
      Also… I think I am clueless because I don’t know where or how to find a magazine to submit to… and I don’t know what kind of stuff to put in a portfolio. I always think what I write is ‘just for fun’ but for something like this, I need to write something more serious. I’m telling you — clueless!
      Thanks so much for your support. You’re such a good friend. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      • Miriam says:

        Hey, I’m not always as positive as my posts would have you believe. Trust me, if you knew how many down days I have … But anyway, do you have a news agency nearby or somewhere you can go and browse magazines. What I used to do was check out lots of different mags, there are always new ones coming out. When you find one that suits your style check the inside pages for editorial contacts and drop them an email. Just start. Anything. Just doing one small proactive thing like that might just spur you on. Just an idea anyway. Nothing to lose.
        You know I’m always here for you. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

        • Magazines like Cosmo? Or am I looking for some kind of literary magazine? (I told you… I am clueless…) I have never taken myself seriously as a writer… so I never really looked into anything like this. (And then I assume failure because that’s how my brain works…)
          Thank you again. I suppose I should be sleeping now since I have to wake up in 5.5 hours to take the kids to school…

          Liked by 1 person

  17. Al Lane says:

    No judgement from me. No trite answers either. Am just offering a hug to a friend x

    Liked by 1 person

  18. theturtle says:

    No clever words or suggestions to offer you just a Big Big Hug >3

    Liked by 1 person

  19. mandibelle16 says:

    I think everyone has given you great advice here. I know your mental health struggles and I think you can’t be too hard on yourself, your health makes things more difficult. I suppose you have to take the first step and write up a resume or edit your old one and see what kind of jobs you can find. Maybe you can find one where you write, not necessarily what you like but it helps build your skills at the same time. Even apply if a job sounds more complicated or like it needs more skills. Many people will teach you and sometimes jobs sound more complicated then they are. Hugs you can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Hey S, have you been looking? What is it that you want to do? I can help build up your confidence. Shit, I can even possibly help you find something. Where do you live? Beef that resume up and even if you don’t feel like you’re spectacular, pretend you’re in a play and put on a fake fucking smile and brag on yourself in an interview. We all have to do it, it’s that dreaded thing we call adulting. I hate it as much as everyone else. I had an interview yesterday….didn’t want to go, wasn’t feeling like I was worth anything but as soon as I walked through that door, I hit the swag button and held my chin up. Show time. I’m sorry Darlin, you’ll get past this and you’ll work this out. I have no doubt you’re stronger and smarter than you think you are. Let me know if I can help? Want me to take a look at your resume? Anything at all, e-mail me lennoncarlyle@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • The looking part has been a huge part of the problem. I can’t seem to do it. Even if I didn’t have overwhelming anxiety, I don’t know what I’m looking for anyway. I have never known. I’ve just fallen into things… none of which I particularly enjoyed. This is the shit that makes me feel like a loser. I’m too old to have not figured out what I want… It makes me so mad at myself because I’ve been “the smart kid” my whole life. The straight-A student. The nerd. Yet here’s where I am now. I have trouble looking (never mind feeling) confident. But I’m pretty sure holding my hand over my balance whenever I’m on my bank’s website isn’t going to change anything… I am going to email you a little later when I’m not on this stupid phone with all its autocorrect fails. Thank you so so much… you’re the best.

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