transference of doom.

transference of doom.All my life I’ve been told to stop being so negative. Stop thinking the worst. Stop assuming everything will go wrong. ‘Don’t be such a pessimist!’ they’d say.

When I met John (which you can read about in this series), my negativity had reached a low point. Negativity already being a low point, I suppose this is redundant, but it fits. I hated my life, my loneliness, my roommates, my job… everything sucked. And I couldn’t hide how I felt. I hated that this would be John’s first impression of me. But somehow, he looked past all of that. Maybe my boobs looked really good that night.

I knew the negativity would never leave me entirely, but I did lose some of it. When it left me, I suppose it needed a landing site. A nice fertile brain where it could grow and blossom into a giant ball of doom.

And it now resides inside John.

He is more negative, more pessimistic, than I have ever been. (I suppose that may be an exaggeration, but it feels accurate.) When this part of him surfaces, I find it difficult to be around him. It’s always there. But when it takes him over full-force, I just… can’t.

I’m a hypocritical bitch because it broke me when everyone abandoned me for being the most pessimistic person in any given room. But I think this is precisely the reason I can’t be around John in his extreme-negative state. It’s not him. It’s me.

I’ve been in that deep hole of misery. I’m still there – I’ve never gotten all the way out. But I’ve clawed my way up from the bottom. I’m in the middle somewhere. I don’t want to be pulled back down. I know – hypocrite.

But, dammit, I try to be positive. I realize that probably made at least half of you laugh. I’ll wait for you to pick your laughing-asses up off the floor before I go on … … …

It’s true – I do try! Especially around my children. Zach is only 11 and he worries about everything! Things no 11-year-old should even think about. I hate that he has inherited that burden from me (I always assumed it was just from me, but maybe it’s from John, too). I don’t want the kids to hear either John or me saying anything overly negative and hopeless. Sometimes, I totally feel that way. But I don’t speak the words aloud when they’re in earshot.

John was a healthier, more positive person when we met. Over the years, while I’ve worked my ass off to cheer the fuck up and become healthier, John has done the opposite. He has become super negative, doesn’t take care of himself, eats junk and puts on weight, spends money somewhat frivolously.

He knows I struggle with happiness (and unemployment). He knows I want the kids be exposed to a positive, healthy atmosphere. We’ll never be perfect, but we have to try. Right? He doesn’t try. Not really. I’ve heard him tell the kids, ‘do as I say, not as I do.’ That doesn’t fly. If Daddy’s having a pile of Doritos (from the big-ass family-size bag that I hate having in our house in the first place) with his lunch, the kids want them, too. Of course they do! They see him eating them. And fuck, they’re kids! I’m just glad they both think soda is gross because John brings that into the house, too.

I have become less negative (and continue to work on that). And John has become far more negative. I’m not sure exactly when we crossed paths on my way up and his way down, but we’re nowhere near each other in that pit.

Is this turnaround – this transfer of negative thinking from me to John – is it my fault? I think I brought most of the pessimism into the relationship. Did I wake up his dormant negativity? Did I do this? And if my negativity made him this way, why don’t my strides in the other direction ‘rub off’ on him, too?

To anyone looking in from outside, he is the downer in our relationship. And I am the happy one! Me!

When did this happen?

We’ve had a personality exchange. Or at least a personality-share.

Hell, today I was in the shower (where all my revelations are born) and I came up with a detailed hypothesis about the new Star Wars movie. Definitely from John’s personality.

Transference of doom, indeed.


About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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14 Responses to transference of doom.

  1. A good boob day, i laughed. It might be something to look at, like if he is happy with his job or maybe he needs to find a new hobby. As you know it’s easy enough to go into the downward spiral it can be more challenging to pull yourself out. I’ve been there too and I’m climbing out myself I started to notice my spouse was miserable, turned out for him it was his job. Could be something like that?

    Liked by 1 person

    • If there is something… I don’t know what it is! He has been at his company for over 20 years — he started before he was even out of college. He’s happy there. He tells me funny stories and talks about the “new kids.” Every time I’ve suggested perhaps moving, his reason for never even considering it is his job.

      I hate to quote this, but you know the saying — ‘the first step is admitting you have a problem’? He’s not even there yet. He doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him — I mean, he doesn’t think he’s perfect, but he doesn’t think there is anything ‘wrong enough’ with him to seek help — not from me or from a professional or from anyone.

      I do wonder if his negativity was always there… but I was so caught up in my own darkness that I was blind.

      Liked by 2 people

      • That’s really tough. Keep a good eye on him. I hate to say it but sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better and he may need you more than ever. It’s possible I suppose now that you’ve pulled through it yourself your seeing what was already there with a new mndset.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. lolabipola says:

    Oh honey. I’m in exactly the same boat! My husband, when I met him, was this cool, calm, and collected person. Nothing phases him. And I was the fiery one. Then I became the depressed one (after MANY years of no depression), and now he is irritable and grumpy all the effing time. Drives me nuts. I don’t know what to say to make it better because I don’t even have the answer for myself…

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’s sorry you have to deal with this, too, but I’m a little relieved to know I’m not the only one. Damn stubborn men! John was cool, calm and collected when I met him, too! And now, even if I know how to help him, it wouldn’t matter because he doesn’t think he has a problem in the first place. I think he believes that his transformation is a normal part of getting older. It’s not! If after a certain age, you should just give up, why am I working so hard to be healthier?? Plus, think of your children! That may be the part that frustrates me most — shouldn’t he want to be as healthy and happy as he can for his kids? To set an example and to be around for them??

      Liked by 1 person

      • lolabipola says:

        My husband doesn’t think he has a problem either. He sleeps a lot, he’s irritable, and grumpy. If that doesn’t spell “depression” then I just don’t know… He goes to the GP and gets meds (when I lose the plot), takes them for a month or two, and then stops. Aaarrrgggg! So often I find myself thinking, “I just don’t want this in my life.”

        We have been going for therapy since my uuuuhhhh…. Indiscretion, a year ago… But I dunno. It feels like it’s all about me, and what I did. There doesn’t seem to be any attention to his moods and the stuff about him that annoys the crap out of me!

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes – mine is similar with the grumpiness and irritability and sleeping a lot… or at least sleeping messed up hours. It took me 5 years to get John to even go get a regular checkup. And of course, he didn’t mention anything about his moods, etc., because he doesn’t think anything is wrong.

          There is no therapy in my life right now (though there probably should be…) but I have thought many times that I’d love to go with John to see someone. Fat chance I’ll ever get him to do that!

          I love him, but sometimes I can’t help wondering how things would be if he was more like he used to be….

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Ugh, I feel for ya. Of course, your job isn’t to fix HIM -it’s to take care of YOU. Sometimes that means going it alone.

    He may love his job, but…how stable is the gig? Companies change, leaders change….maybe he doesn’t love it as much as he used to and doesn’t even realize it? Or maybe the financial pressure is getting to him? I know in times where I was the sole breadwinner, it put me in that sort of funk, too.

    Hugs. Take care of YOU and the kids; his behavior’s on him.


    • Yeah, he’s happy with his job and it is stable. The owners and will never sell — they want to remain a privately held company forever. Some leadership has changed over the years, but nothing recently… not for at least the last 5-7 years. He’s been there for 25 years. The only people who don’t know and love him there are the ones just hired over the last few months. The company is doing well and growing, too. He is at the lowest risk of a layoff or job loss of anyone I know.

      I’m sure our current one-income family situation is stressful for him… BUT

      All of the stuff I describe in this post… it’s been going on for years. It’s not a recent development. It was going on long before I got laid off from my job. We’ve been married for over 16 years… what I describe above has been going on for at least the last 8 – 10 years. And those are the years I have worked the hardest to improve myself — basically, since my kids were born (8 and nearly 11). I have gotten more fit, I eat healthy, I visit healthcare professionals regularly. I encourage family time and I try desperately to be positive and look for a bright side with everything. (If I didn’t develop this skill [work in progress], I’d have gone mad by now!)

      It just seems that while I’m trying to make my life and the lives of my family better, happier, healthier… he’s going the opposite. Maybe not actively trying to make things worse, but not caring and being negative does make things worse! I just wish he would realize and admit that he has an issue that he should work on, whether that involves a professional, medication, or just working on it himself.

      But… he doesn’t think he has anything going on that’s enough to need to make any changes.

      Anyway.. I’ve now written a comment that may be as long as my original post! Hahaha! Thanks for your comment and thoughts!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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