Purpose is a difficult topic for me. Mostly because I don’t have one.
For the last few years, I’ve struggled to find my purpose. I believe my lack of purpose is the cause of so much of what is wrong in my life. Without a purpose, how do I know what steps to take? Without a destination, how do I know where to begin? How do I know which path to choose? If I just take a leap, I’m liable to fall off a cliff.
If you get in the car but don’t know where you’re headed, you just drive around aimlessly. That’s pretty much how I live my life. Aimlessly. Directionless. Lost. Because I have no idea what my goals are or what my purpose is. I don’t know where I’m going—or even where I’m trying to go.
(No idea if this is the right path. I’m guessing no.)
I could say my goal is to be happy. But that’s not a purpose. Wouldn’t serving my ultimate purpose make me happy? I think it should. If I’m here in this life for a reason, that reason would be my purpose, right? But I have no fucking clue what it is. I hope it’s not to be a mom because I’m fucking that up. Badly. And God knows I’m not happy.
I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I love. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I’m here.
I guess that’s why I feel like I shouldn’t be here. I’m a waste. People die every day—good people, happy people, people with so much to give and so many reasons to live. Why am I here but they’re not? I often think of my cousin, one year younger than me, who died a few years ago (from a brain tumor). He was happy. He had great friends, a lovely home, a job he enjoyed. He loved life. And he’s gone. Why am I here but he’s not? His life was worth far more than mine. It doesn’t make sense. Hell, a lot of the time, I feel like being here is a punishment for me, but it would be a gift to him.
Someone once asked me what my values are. I couldn’t answer him. He said that knowing my values would give me purpose and help me set goals. I believe this is likely true. I’ve since tried to figure out what my values are, but I have failed.
At this point in my life, after years and years of unhappiness, depression, anxiety, sadness, regret, and disappointment, I’m just tired. Exhausted. I can’t figure out where to find the energy or the will to take any significant action. I think I’ve given up, and that only feeds my hopelessness. It takes away my will to live.
Can’t I just drift off to sleep in his arms? Like, forever? I need a new reality.
p.s. — This post brought me to tears. Just… exhaustion. Emotional. Physical. I hate my life and I’m scared.