wst february 22. purpose.


Purpose is a difficult topic for me. Mostly because I don’t have one.

For the last few years, I’ve struggled to find my purpose. I believe my lack of purpose is the cause of so much of what is wrong in my life. Without a purpose, how do I know what steps to take? Without a destination, how do I know where to begin? How do I know which path to choose? If I just take a leap, I’m liable to fall off a cliff.

If you get in the car but don’t know where you’re headed, you just drive around aimlessly. That’s pretty much how I live my life. Aimlessly. Directionless. Lost. Because I have no idea what my goals are or what my purpose is. I don’t know where I’m going—or even where I’m trying to go.

(No idea if this is the right path. I’m guessing no.)

I could say my goal is to be happy. But that’s not a purpose. Wouldn’t serving my ultimate purpose make me happy? I think it should. If I’m here in this life for a reason, that reason would be my purpose, right? But I have no fucking clue what it is. I hope it’s not to be a mom because I’m fucking that up. Badly. And God knows I’m not happy.

I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I love. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I’m here.

I guess that’s why I feel like I shouldn’t be here. I’m a waste. People die every day—good people, happy people, people with so much to give and so many reasons to live. Why am I here but they’re not? I often think of my cousin, one year younger than me, who died a few years ago (from a brain tumor). He was happy. He had great friends, a lovely home, a job he enjoyed. He loved life. And he’s gone. Why am I here but he’s not? His life was worth far more than mine. It doesn’t make sense. Hell, a lot of the time, I feel like being here is a punishment for me, but it would be a gift to him.

Someone once asked me what my values are. I couldn’t answer him. He said that knowing my values would give me purpose and help me set goals. I believe this is likely true. I’ve since tried to figure out what my values are, but I have failed.

At this point in my life, after years and years of unhappiness, depression, anxiety, sadness, regret, and disappointment, I’m just tired. Exhausted. I can’t figure out where to find the energy or the will to take any significant action. I think I’ve given up, and that only feeds my hopelessness. It takes away my will to live.

(click image to view larger)

Can’t I just drift off to sleep in his arms? Like, forever? I need a new reality.

p.s. — This post brought me to tears. Just… exhaustion. Emotional. Physical. I hate my life and I’m scared. 

©2022 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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13 Responses to wst february 22. purpose.

  1. scr4pl80 says:

    If this is actually how you feel, please talk to a professional. You’re scaring me and I don’t even know you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do talk to a professional. I’m having a hard time because I can’t find any motivation. I have no drive. I think this has gone on for so long that I feel like it’s impossible. I barely do anything. It’s more like, for example, something that helps me is getting out of the house and I do it, but only if I have to for some other reason. I don’t just do it because it’s good for me. It’s kind of by chance. I guess it’s good if things happen whether they’re intentional or not.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes finding your purpose is your purpose. Or something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ogden Fahey says:

    You’re very self aware, but I wouldn’t worry about it all being so wrong, in future you might just think its all a bit weird how many people don’t get it the way you do 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. enchantedwords says:

    Have you watched the Disney film “Soul”? It really helped me when I was going down a “what’s my purpose” spiral too.

    Liked by 1 person

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