all bad.

My daughter got mad at me for nothing today. Honestly, she thinks I’m to blame but I have no idea what I did. I’m the first to admit that I’m not a good mother, but I haven’t a clue what I did wrong this afternoon.

In the end, she walked off and now isn’t speaking to me. I asked her to please explain what I did, and she said, “I don’t want to talk to you.” And that was it.

I have no idea how she feels now, but I’m miserable and have tears streaming down my face. It’s awful because she holds onto these things and uses them against me later, but I don’t know what I did!

(Why does it have to be like this?)

She will hang onto this and use it later (or forever) to tell me that I’m terrible to her. She thinks that about her father and brother, too. She thinks we’re all against her. I can’t speak for the boys, but I’m not against her. I feel helpless when she gets mad at me and I have no idea what I did. How can I prevent that if I don’t know what I did wrong?

I want to have a better relationship with her. But I can’t erase things from her memory, whether she’s remembering things accurately or not. Me telling her that I’m not against her and that I love her unconditionally doesn’t help because she doesn’t believe me. I can’t make her believe me. No matter what I do, she thinks what she thinks and there’s no changing that. Because of that, it’s too late for me to fix anything. She’s already got these thoughts in her head, and there’s no way for me to reverse them.

All I want is for my kids to be happy and to have a good relationship with them. I just don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I know that my depression affects my relationships with them, but I try so hard not to let it. I’m doing the best I can, but that’s still not very good.

It breaks my heart.

The kids have winter break this week coming up. We don’t have much planned other than going to the movies and possibly visiting my mom. The rest of the time, we’ll just be hanging out at home mostly. I’m worried I’m going to keep fucking up, and their week off will be miserable.

I don’t know how to explain this, but our family isn’t “normal“. It just doesn’t feel like we are like other families. We are okay, but not wealthy. The kids seem to have a lot of rich friends. I have severe depression, and my husband has issues of his own. From what I hear, other kids’ parents have their shit together. Our house is way too small. I’ve seen other kids’ houses and they’re far bigger. My kids don’t have all the happy experiences and memories that other kids have because we couldn’t do lots of things. I haven’t been able to give them what I had. I’ve ruined their childhood, I think. Not just me. My husband, too. But he doesn’t seem to worry about this stuff.

I want things to be better, but I don’t know how to accomplish that. I don’t think I can if I’m the only one trying. I think we need to talk, as a family, and try to come up with something that could help, but no one ever wants to have a family talk. I’ve tried before and it went poorly. Plus, I feel like we are hopeless just for needing that. We shouldn’t have to put in all this effort to be a “normal” family. It should just come naturally.

I am the last person who should ever have had children. I am far too fucked up to be a good parent. And in very different ways, I think my husband is fucked up, too. I don’t know what the hell made us think having kids was a good idea. I am so terrible at this. If it was a “real” job, I would have been fired a long time ago.

I don’t know where to go from here. I want to leave. If I’m making things bad for my kids, I should go. It’s cruel for me to stay if I’m making them miserable. But with no money, no job, and nowhere to go, I have no options.

 



I don’t know what to say here.

p.s. — I’m not even trying to hide my tears at this point. I’m crying and sniffling and everything. I’m taking deep breaths to try to calm down, but it’s not working. And I’m sitting in the living room, so I’m hiding nothing. 


©2022 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy, too. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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20 Responses to all bad.

  1. scr4pl80 says:

    Well honestly, as a parent, we all make mistakes. I was having a conversation with my 25-year-old just this morning about that. I did a lot of things when she was little that were harmful to her, mentally not physically. It was because I was raised to think that the husband should always come first so most times I would side with him when he was complaining about something she did. Actually she hadn’t done anything wrong but instead of sticking up for her, I made her apologize to him. Now he expects to always be right and doesn’t allow for anyone else’s opinion. Fortunately I have been able to see the things I did wrong and talk to my kids about them and now we have a great relationship. Their relationship with their father is not so great. Have you tried professional therapy, like family counseling?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been thinking about family therapy. I think it would be a huge challenge to get everyone on board, but it might be worth it. I’m not sure. My history with therapy isn’t great. It’s never helped me. This could be different… or not.

      My own mental health issues are definitely affecting them, and I should have seen that a long time ago. I can’t undo anything that’s already happened, and I fear that the effects are permanent.

      I don’t know if it’s possible to make things better. But I can’t live like this.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. jrvincente says:

    *hugs* I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. My daughter told me yesterday, “I don’t want to go to your house. I just want to be at Daddy’s.” It… sucks. Motherhood is not all it’s cracked up to be. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sometimes, I really wish I had been blessed with children.

    Like

  4. Honestly I can’t say anything but just this.. it’s not not normal to put in effort to make any relationship/bond work. What they say about, just cause you guys are a family or you’re related so and so or you’re a couple it should be effortless.. is utter bullshit!
    Every one of those bonds require effort. And don’t feel bad or blame yourself entirely for it not working out. All of us are humans. And even though you’re the parent.. it doesn’t imply that ALL the time, ONLY you should be putting in the effort. Every bond is a two way street.
    I don’t know if this will help you.. but this is all I can say.
    .
    You should get yourself some Ben and Jerry’s and cuddle up with a book and some Shawn Mendes in the background.
    Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Things are really bad. I don’t write about it as openly on my blog for the world to see, but my whole family dynamic is a disaster. (I don’t think nearly as many people would be reading this comment.) I can’t fix it alone but no one else seems to want to try. It has gotten so bad that I don’t feel like I can live like this anymore. I feel like I need to get out. But how can I? But how can I not? I’m completely broken here. But I have nowhere to go. But I can’t make things better on my own. Everyone has to try. But they won’t.

      I’m scared I’m not going to make it. This is the worst it’s ever been and I don’t know how to make it better.

      I’m sorry I just dumped all that on you. I’m just all alone.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Firstly don’t apologise for “dumping” things. I asked! And I get that you are physically alone, but I’m telling you are not alone. I’m here. The rest of your small blogging community is here!

        I’m so sorry you feel that way. Like Janet said maybe family counselling.. I get that not everyone would feel okay with that.. But I think maybe you should sit them all down and tell them that it’s extremely important for you and that you really want them to try as well.. Things like that
        And sometimes when no one around you wants to try and you know everything is slowly killing you.. it’s okay to “yell” for help and wake them up and enlighten them!

        Take care Sandra! Lots of hugs to you ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think it would be near impossible, if not completely impossible, to get my family to go to family therapy. It’s not like I’d *want* to do that, but I’m running out of ideas. Once again, I feel like I have to wait and see if things improve just from all the talks we’ve had recently. But every talk ended in tears (me and my daughter), so I’m not sure anything was actually accomplished. Last night I told my daughter that maybe she and I can just work on us and forget the boys for now. I can’t actually “forget” them, but maybe this is a small step we can take.

          Last night before the talk with my daughter, I also told my husband that I wanted to leave. I couldn’t take the way things are anymore and I needed to get out. I’m not even sure if I meant permanently or temporarily, but in reality, I will end up doing neither. I thought of going to stay with my mom for a couple of days, but I’m not sure how that would go. My mom doesn’t know how bad things are and I don’t know if I want to have to explain it all. Plus I don’t want to disrupt her routine either. I’m sure she’d be fine with it, I just don’t know.

          Thank you for being so supportive. You’re a great friend and I appreciate you so much. ♥

          Liked by 1 person

          • I think you should go to your moms.. it would be a change of scenery.. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind you there for a couple of days.. I don’t think you would have to explain things.. you could just say I was feeling a little cooped up/bored/I missed you. She may not completely buy it, but she will accept it! 🤞
            It is great that at least your daughter are on the same page.. or even the same book at least.. change inadvertently takes time. I really do hope things change!

            It’s my pleasure. I am glad to know you. You’re amazing ❤ (I am being serious.)

            Liked by 1 person

            • I realized last night that I can’t actually go to my mom’s. It would have been at the end of the week when my husband has a couple of days off, but I have an appointment on Friday that I can’t reschedule. Also, my daughter said she’d be sad if I went. I considered taking her with me, but I’m not sure that would be the same break I need. And, like I said, I can’t go anyway.

              Things are less tense at the moment, but that’s because no one is talking about things at all anymore. Like, we talk to each other, but no one talks about the bigger picture of how terrible things actually are. So nothing will change. And nothing has changed for me either — I still don’t think I can go on with things as they are. I’ve just stopped talking about it. I suffer alone in silence instead.

              I certainly do not feel amazing. I feel like a failure, not only with myself, but with my kids, too. I think I’ve been punishing myself lately, too. I don’t realize I’m doing it until it’s already done. I feel really sick right now from the M&Ms I ate this afternoon. I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway.

              Thank you again. ♥

              Liked by 1 person

              • Oh no.. maybe next week?
                By then it may also be okay with your daughter for you to go out??

                Oh Sandra.. I don’t how but I really do hope the people in your house wake up and see things the way they are..

                Sometimes we do things just to feel pain.. and even though we have enough sense to recognise it happening, we just don’t know how to not do it.

                *hugs* ❤ ❤ ❤

                Liked by 1 person

                • I realized something today. If I’m the one who feels like no one is getting along, maybe I’m the problem. But I know they also see that things aren’t happy around here so maybe not.

                  Had another incident with my daughter today and now we’re both upset. I blame myself, and she blames me, too, but in reality, I’m not quite sure I did anything wrong. I just blame myself for everything. I should be a better parent. I think I have more responsibility because I’m the adult and she’s the child. But that doesn’t mean I should take the blame for everything if it’s not actually my fault. But that’s what I do.

                  Sorry… I’m just rambling now.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Yeah I don’t think so.. you’re just more aware/you care

                    I know it’s hard.. but with reference to the post for purpose.. maybe you would feel better if you weren’t hard on yourself. I know it’s super easy to say this. I am also someone who’s hard on myself and put so much pressure on me… but sometimes I get tired of doing that.. and I realised those are some of the best times I have had…

                    We can keep continuing this thread for as long as you want
                    I may take time to reply.. but I will reply!

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • One time, like three years ago or something like that, the last time I tried therapy (didn’t help) — I remember, though, that the first day, he asked me why I was there, in my own words. And the first thing he said was, “You are *so* hard on yourself.”

                      I guess it’s just how I am. I’ve always been this way. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt like I was good enough, so I pressured myself to be better. But when I failed (and I ofted did… and still do), it was devastating to me — even if it was something that wasn’t all that important.

                      I feel like I have to fix everything. I have a very hard time telling myself it’s not all my responsibility and I can’t always fix things.

                      I wish I could stop caring for a while. I bet that would make me feel better. Lots better. But how do I turn that off? I don’t know if that’s possible.

                      I even noticed that the last few times I’ve talked with my NP (who manages my depression/anxiety medications), our whole appointment was me talking about the kids and what’s going on with them. I’ve barely been talking about me. I know it’s because if they’re not happy, I can’t be happy. So I prioritize them. But then there’s the thought that I’d be better for them if I was better, so I should work on me first. I feel that it would take too long and I may never get better.

                      Thanks for listening. And I suppose we could switch to email if I’m going to write a short novel here in the comments. 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Haha, sure! Idk why but that made me laugh! Let’s mail! (I love receiving mail.. especially the good old fashioned one)

                      I think working on yourself will take time but also you’re improving day by day.. and some days you’re stagnant but that is still more improvement that what it was in the beginning..
                      (I’m just trying to make you see another perspective)

                      I’m not a licensed professional but I can say that maybe you’re repeating a pattern. Maybe when you were younger you put pressure on yourself for something, that may even be trivial but the consequences you then faced have now shaped your thinking..

                      Turning off how to care would make you numb and bottled up.. another extreme kind.. But maybe dividing the care would help?
                      Okay so I’m just paraphrasing the Subtle Art of Not giving a fuck. I had the same notion about it a being a self help book and it would all be preachy and what not. But the book managed to surprise. He’s just talking about his life and other random incidents and explaining things.
                      I like it.
                      It has a lot to offer, according to me.
                      And so I have been reading it bit by bit.. for a long time now!
                      Maybe try?
                      He does also make me laugh!

                      ❤ ❤ ❤

                      Like

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