My daughter got mad at me for nothing today. Honestly, she thinks I’m to blame but I have no idea what I did. I’m the first to admit that I’m not a good mother, but I haven’t a clue what I did wrong this afternoon.
In the end, she walked off and now isn’t speaking to me. I asked her to please explain what I did, and she said, “I don’t want to talk to you.” And that was it.
I have no idea how she feels now, but I’m miserable and have tears streaming down my face. It’s awful because she holds onto these things and uses them against me later, but I don’t know what I did!
(Why does it have to be like this?)
She will hang onto this and use it later (or forever) to tell me that I’m terrible to her. She thinks that about her father and brother, too. She thinks we’re all against her. I can’t speak for the boys, but I’m not against her. I feel helpless when she gets mad at me and I have no idea what I did. How can I prevent that if I don’t know what I did wrong?
I want to have a better relationship with her. But I can’t erase things from her memory, whether she’s remembering things accurately or not. Me telling her that I’m not against her and that I love her unconditionally doesn’t help because she doesn’t believe me. I can’t make her believe me. No matter what I do, she thinks what she thinks and there’s no changing that. Because of that, it’s too late for me to fix anything. She’s already got these thoughts in her head, and there’s no way for me to reverse them.
All I want is for my kids to be happy and to have a good relationship with them. I just don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I know that my depression affects my relationships with them, but I try so hard not to let it. I’m doing the best I can, but that’s still not very good.
It breaks my heart.
The kids have winter break this week coming up. We don’t have much planned other than going to the movies and possibly visiting my mom. The rest of the time, we’ll just be hanging out at home mostly. I’m worried I’m going to keep fucking up, and their week off will be miserable.
I don’t know how to explain this, but our family isn’t “normal“. It just doesn’t feel like we are like other families. We are okay, but not wealthy. The kids seem to have a lot of rich friends. I have severe depression, and my husband has issues of his own. From what I hear, other kids’ parents have their shit together. Our house is way too small. I’ve seen other kids’ houses and they’re far bigger. My kids don’t have all the happy experiences and memories that other kids have because we couldn’t do lots of things. I haven’t been able to give them what I had. I’ve ruined their childhood, I think. Not just me. My husband, too. But he doesn’t seem to worry about this stuff.
I want things to be better, but I don’t know how to accomplish that. I don’t think I can if I’m the only one trying. I think we need to talk, as a family, and try to come up with something that could help, but no one ever wants to have a family talk. I’ve tried before and it went poorly. Plus, I feel like we are hopeless just for needing that. We shouldn’t have to put in all this effort to be a “normal” family. It should just come naturally.
I am the last person who should ever have had children. I am far too fucked up to be a good parent. And in very different ways, I think my husband is fucked up, too. I don’t know what the hell made us think having kids was a good idea. I am so terrible at this. If it was a “real” job, I would have been fired a long time ago.
I don’t know where to go from here. I want to leave. If I’m making things bad for my kids, I should go. It’s cruel for me to stay if I’m making them miserable. But with no money, no job, and nowhere to go, I have no options.
I don’t know what to say here.
p.s. — I’m not even trying to hide my tears at this point. I’m crying and sniffling and everything. I’m taking deep breaths to try to calm down, but it’s not working. And I’m sitting in the living room, so I’m hiding nothing.