I’m back…

I’m not going to add “…and better than ever” (that’s a thing people say, right?) because that would be a lie

But I’m here. And maybe it’ll stick this time.

I’ve been trying to get back to my blog for months without success. But since I rose from the dead on September 20 (before that I had been missing since May), I’ve posted nine times. I am a little concerned about what I’ve been posting. Five of those eight are entirely about my fucked up life. One of them is partially about my fucked up life. So I am at least 61% fucked up.

[Yes, I fucking did the math. I was, am, and always will be a math nerd. Speaking of math—can anyone get me a job doing math? Using Excel to do math? Anything? Anyone?]

I suppose saying I’m back may be a lie because I’m only posting today to say I’m back without actually saying anything of any importance. Not that I’m implying that anything I say is all that important. It’s probably not.

Unfortunately, since I’m 61% fucked up, I think most of my posts will continue to revolve around my fucked-up-ness. (Yes, I’m making up words now.) What I wish I could post is new fiction and new poetry. But my brain isn’t allowing that. Yes, I speak of my brain like it’s a separate entity. Probably because I wish it was. It would be easier to trade it in for a better model.

Does anyone have a genius solution to my writing problem? I think I’ve mentioned before that I’ve got lots of ideas and lots of scenes written down. But I’ve not been able to use any of them to come up with an entire plot for a whole story. It doesn’t have to be a novel or anything. Short is okay. But I want a real plot. Whatever the hell that means.

My real problem is this: I write romance so the entire story is basically how the two meet and how they end up together. I’m good at beginnings. And I’m great at writing the characters meeting and ending up together. But I’m not great at writing enough plot in between those things to make it a whole story. I have trouble introducing enough obstacles to keep it interesting.

I crave the happy ending so much that I don’t want to write problems. I have so many of them in my real life that when I immerse myself in writing fiction, I want fewer problems. Or none. Maybe it’s painful for me to write bad things. I was actually crying when I wrote this one scene last week… because my main character was crying. I was so anxious until I kept writing and resolved the issue. Of course, then everything was great and I had nowhere to take my story.

Clearly, my real life is ruining my writing.

Maybe I should try to write poetry again. That might suit my feelings of sadness and despair.

• • • • •

But how can I be sad with these two majestic humans?
Easy. They are not in the room with me. If they were, I would not be writing this.

p.s. — Unrelated: Don’t you hate when you try to help someone and you end up feeling like you’ve made everything worse instead? And don’t you hate when you know you’re doing the right thing, but someone gets mad at you for it? I know I’m being a bit cryptic, but I just can’t go into detail on this. 

©2021 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression, life, writing and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to I’m back…

  1. gigglingfattie says:

    Oooo I have gotten back into blogging! Over two weeks now of every day posts and now I dont want to stop hahaha I’m glad you are back! I have missed reading your posts!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I make up words every single day. It’s a unique skill. 😃

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Maybe consider some writing Prompts or something fun like ‘The Writer’s Tool Kit’ to help you get started again. And to answer your question, Yes, it sucks. I lost my BFF for 8 years over an incident from that..but time has healed and we are better than ever!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Writing prompts don’t work for me. I’m a good writer when I’m writing what I want. Trying to write from a random prompt gets me nowhere. I don’t know what The Writers Toolkit is but I’m going to look it up.


  4. Miriam says:

    I always loved your romance stories. Go for it … everyone loves a happy ending and plot twists are over rated!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. mercutio says:

    I respect your math skills, and I do not have writing advice (no prompts, no cheerful encouragements, no pseudo-wisdom about what “works”). Fucked-up-ness is a marvelous topic for a blog, though—it might even be the blog topic of all blog topics.

    What you said about craving the happy ending so much that you don’t want to write problems is interesting. Maybe that’s a liability you can turn to a strength somehow. Easier said than done, I know, but there’s something there. At least I think there could be.

    Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best. Needless to say, I have my own challenges with selfhood and writing-hood, and my blog is where I come not so much to resolve them as to feed them a bit and look at them. It’s where I come when I can’t get my “real” writing going, when I’m feeling somehow stuck. So here’s to un-stuck-ness (and made-up words).

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m clearly able to go on at length about my fucked-up-ness.

      I’m not sure how to turn my avoidance of writing problems into a strength, but I’ll have to think about that. My favorite advice recently is to go ahead and avoid writing the problems. Who cares if there are few, if any, problems? It’s fiction, after all. Reality is overrated.

      I definitely need some un-stuck-ness right about now. Not just with my writing, but with my entire life.

      And I appreciate your made up words, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Simon says:

    Maybe if you write poetry on the bits you like it could be the plot idea for a story when it comes?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I never, ever make words up because it is so easy to lead to confusablating errors!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. jrvincente says:

    What if you wrote a bunch of meet cutes! I think that would be a great book! Tons of fun, and great for A to Z. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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