letters | q/quarantine #atozchallenge

letters | a to z | what sandra thinks

Dear Quarantine,

I know you’re necessary. I take you very seriously. And I respect you. I know we’re in the midst of a health crisis, and it is not my intention to minimize your importance in any way.

But I’m having a few issues.

I’ve barely left the house for weeks. I don’t have anywhere to be, but guess where I don’t want to be? Right. Home. I’m losing it. Yes, I’ve been unemployed for a long time. And I generally hate people. This whole situation should be easy for me. Oh, but it’s not. Everything is thrown off. The kids are here 100% of the time. [More on that later.] I am *never* alone. My routine is all fucked up. I’m bored as hell. I fantasize about going shopping for non-essentials. And I want to hug my mom.

Some people are using their extra time at home to get shit done. Not me. Nope. I’m too anxious… and I have no peace or motivation. I guess that’s normal for me, but it’s heightened. Having time isn’t really new for me [see aforementioned unemployment], but I wasn’t accomplishing much before. You’ve changed nothing. But damn, do I feel like a fucking waste of space when others tell me how much they’ve done since they’ve had to stay home. Not only have I not done shit during the last five weeks, but I didn’t do shit with any time I already had before you came along. I guess that’s my fault.

You’ve brought about these new catch phrases, and, God, how I loathe them. I never want to hear the words ‘new normal’ again. Fuck that. This is not normal and nothing anyone says will convince me that this is any form of normal… old, new… no. Just no. And how stupid is the term ‘social distancing’? We are not socially distant. We are physically distant. As we should be. But socially? No. Socially, we are more connected than ever. I have a group text with my mom and sisters. We talk every single day. Socially, we are much closer. Physically, we are apart. Easter was fucking sad. Especially for my mom and one of my sisters as they both live alone. Thanks a lot for that. (That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t get it.)

*Sigh* What was I saying? Oh, yes, back to the kids.

I’m going a special kind of crazy. They are good kids. Thankfully. But my god. I need a break. My teenage son stays up later than I do (into the wee hours of the morning) and sleeps ‘til afternoon. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that, but he does have schoolwork. My daughter is twelve, and I am so screwed if her bitchiness gets worse when she becomes a teenager. She picks fights… daily. And she is always talking. To me… to her brother… to my husband… to her friends. Would it be rude for me to tell her to just shut the fuck up for five minutes? Yes, I know it would. And when she’s on facetime with her friends, not only do I hear her talking, but I have to hear her friends talking, too. Oh. My. God. Kill me.

And the kids fight. Normal, I know. But I am sick of it. It’s a different version of the same fight every time, too: my daughter getting on my son’s case for not being nice enough to her; my son wishing she would just shut up and leave him alone. I can’t fix it. It’s not really mine to fix. But it’s mine to endure and I am so over it.

I try to distract myself. I’ve been baking too much. It’s not really the baking that’s the problem… it’s the eating. I might as well start applying desserts directly to my butt and thighs. [Sorry for the disturbing visual.] I try watching tv, but all I see is stuff about you. Even if I do find something decent to watch, you’re mentioned in every other commercial. You know the ones. ‘We’re all in this together‘ and other such ads? Those. They’re supposed to be uplifting, but honestly, they have the opposite effect.

You’re everywhere. And you’re fucking depressing, you know? I realize that’s rich coming from me, but there it is.

Sometimes, late at night, I lie in bed wondering if you’re real or if this is all just a bad dream. And if it is a dream, am I ever going to wake up? I’m afraid you’ll never go away.

p.s. — What the hell day is it anyway? I should check twitter. Did you know that each day, @twitter tweets out what day it is? I should retweet the Monday tweet on Tuesday. That would fuck with people.

p.p.s. — Thank you for not impacting my husband. If he wasn’t still going to work, that would surely push me over the edge, and no one wants to see me lose my shit.

 

         
©2020 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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29 Responses to letters | q/quarantine #atozchallenge

  1. I think I’ll never get out of the house. 😱😱😱

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s driving me nuts too…and I’m still going to work! My building gets shut down or we’re told therapy is no longer essential, and I’m home all day? I may hurt somebody or myself after long. Fuck man, I just want to go to a flea market or see a band. This is crazy.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think in the future people will decide how many children they want based on how many they can tolerate in a quarantine situation LOL

    But legit, the parents upstairs tell their children to shut the F up almost every day. They are just loud and strong parents haha the mom is a jail guard and she has no time for the sass that her 14 year old son is giving her. Or she tells the daughter to just leave her the F alone. The mom is pregnant right now too so that makes her patience even thinner lol Go ahead and ask for some alone time! You deserve it!

    Liked by 1 person

    • If I decided about kids based on quaratine, I would have zero children. Not necessarily because of their behavior, but because of me!

      I’m not surprised other parents are getting frustrated. I’m not quite at the place where your neighbor’s are… which I guess is good! Actually, right now, my son is in the shower and my daughter is on facetime in her room with her door closed. It’s actually quiet right now. I’m sort of alone. But anyone could pop out of a room at any time. I wish my house was bigger so I could hide. LOL I’m just kidding. That wouldn’t work even if I lived in a castle.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha oh they are like that even without quarantine 😂

        I hope you get some nice weather soon to at least maybe go out for some walks or whatever alone. I love my daily walks but the next few days are supposed to be -9° or something stupid like that IN APRIL 😤 but whatever haha

        Liked by 1 person

        • On Saturday, it snowed a little. Not much and it was washed away by rain later. Yesterday was sunny and sort of warm. Today was grey and 10 degrees colder than yesterday. I have no idea what’s to come because I haven’t been paying attention since it really doesn’t even matter. LOL Yesterday, though, I did go for a short drive alone. I didn’t stop anyone from going with me… but no one wanted to come. Probably for the best!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Oh that’s awesome for alone drives! I live for the moments when I hear the crazy roommate goes out. Like we don’t interact outside of “hey hows it going” but I can hear him shuffle by my door. Usually just for a few mins for a smoke but sometimes he’s gone for a few hours. I love him not being here.

            The weather matters for me. Walk before and after work keeps my routine up and they depend on the weather lol

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Liam says:

    I hope this letter is cathartic for you. You are speaking for many people. And I already hated “new normal” long before it was being used in every sentence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s so stupid! It feels like people start using those phrases because they become trendy. I hate when something happens… especially something bad… and everyone takes advantage of it by using annoying phrases and being overly sappy and dramatic. I just find that so depressing. I can be sappy, but that’s in a romance-novel sort of way. Not a super depressing sad-song tv commercial way. It’s just too much. Everyone is already anxious and sad… no one needs help to feel worse!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Apart from those things, though, all good?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Goodness, no, don’t lose your shit! I can’t even imagine!! Seriously, tho, you captured what are probably most people’s feelings. Unless they have to go somewhere to work. That must be scary as hell, especially in healthcare or stores. I’m making masks now cause I do sew and feel kind of bad I haven’t done much to help. But, yeah, I’d love to just be alone for a little bit. The rest of my family probably feels the same!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Did I reply to this comment? My blog is doing some weird shit with comments today. I don’t get it. Some don’t show up or just replies show up but not the original comment. It’s messed up!

      Anyway… My husband still goes to work but it’s not especially dangerous. He works at a manufacturing company that makes meters and stuff like that for essential industries like water and sewer and gas and tons of others. But he did tell me tonight that starting tomorrow, he has to wear a mask all the time except when eating (obviously). What a nightmare!

      I sew, too (but not often). I should do something… but I’m lazy and unmotivated. Ugh…

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Shruti says:

    It’s n sice to see someone writing about the real stuff and not afraid to do. Whenever I sit down to write I always start deliberating what I should and not should not include in my blog. I want to write just like you openly and unapologetically. 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you so much. I never thought anyone would want to be like me in any way, but it’s heartwarming to know that someone thinks this way. Maybe heartwarming isn’t the right word… but I think you know what I mean. I do tend to lay it all out there. I over think a lot and often edit posts dozens of times before I publish. I have trashed posts that I’ve thought were too much. But I’m relatively anonymous here so it’s easier for me to open up. If my family or other people who know me in my ‘real life’ (offline) were reading this blog, I would be so much more guarded. I think it would ruin my blog. But I do understand questioning what to publish or not to publish. I don’t want my blog to be so focused on my emotions, but I think that’s been overtaking my life for a while, so it’s what comes out of me right now.

      Like

  8. jrvincente says:

    This resonates so much with me. Oh my goodness. My child wants to talk to someone 24/7. If someone isn’t available to talk on the phone, it’s me. It’s always me. Oh my goodness. Limits on video games? Gone. Limits on TV? Gone. Just do whatever the hell you want, but don’t talk to me. I feel like a terrible parent saying that, but, it is what it is.

    And the catch phrases. If I see “coronavirus” or “Covid-19” in any emails, they get deleted. Automatically. I don’t care what they are. Ugh. Anyway… you aren’t alone in your feelings!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wasn’t really good about setting limits in the first place, but now? I’m with you… do whatever the hell you want if it means you’ll leave me alone. My son is fine… my daughter is always “on”.

      Like

  9. Hunida says:

    Lol Sandra, I love your raw honesty so much. The bit about your daughter really had me crackin’ up, I’m sorry! 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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