letters | k/ken #atozchallenge

letters | a to z | what sandra thinks

Dear Ken,

Sometimes, I really wish we hadn’t drifted apart. You were my best friend in high school. We even had a crush on the same guy, but it never got awkward. Maybe because neither of us could have him.

I was heartbroken when you moved away. But even when you came back, we picked up right where we left off. Then college happened, and we were apart again. And now you have your husband and your kids and your life in NYC… and I’m just… here.

Maybe things would be different if I wasn’t embarrassed at how my life has turned out. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been afraid to contact you over the years. In my heart, I know you would never judge me, but I couldn’t get past my fears. I’m a failure, and I just couldn’t bear you knowing that… so I hid. I still hide.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of people over the years, but you’re one of the ones I miss the most.


p.s. — Whenever I hear ‘Losing My Religion’ I remember that time we went to the Cape and drove around in the dark singing that song. And then we went to the beach and saw a million stars. Can’t see stars like that in the city. We had such fun back then…


©2020 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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35 Responses to letters | k/ken #atozchallenge

  1. I’m sure he’s easy to find. Facebook and all. I betchya he’d love to hear from you. What could it hurt to friend request him? 🤔

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Make the call, life is too short. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jrvincente says:

    I love this letter. I’m sure there are people who think the same about you. That they lost touch and they regret it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If you guys were this close then I’m sure he thinks of you fondly, now and then too!
    Facebook? Instagram?
    You just need to say a small Hi, after that I’m pretty sure conversation will flow!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s the embarrassment… the humiliation that stops me. I don’t want anyone to know that I’ve had no success… I have no career. And I know he has been extremely successful. We had so much in common back then. Now, we don’t. My life went downhill but his went up.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I understand. I do
        But what truly matters of a person is their personality. And in college you only have your personality, so if anyone did like you then rest assured they would like you now too! Because we don’t majorly change from what we were as young adults or in our twenties.
        And to find things in common is easy, in the sense that if you talk I’m sure you can find it!
        And technically you don’t have to tell your entire story the first time. If you think it is worth it with this person you can then talk about it. You could just say something briefly or not mention it either if possible!

        Liked by 1 person

        • I guess. But the work question is always something that comes up. I ran into an old coworker at Target one time (this was a few months ago), and I couldn’t avoid him… didn’t really want to… he’s a really nice guy. A lot of us were laid off around the same time, so at one point we were all in the same boat. But I am the only one still not working. Anyway, I said hi and managed to keep the conversation going by talking a lot which is a huge feat for me… and I was totally awkward as always… but I steered the conversation myself — enough that he wouldn’t have a chance to ask me where I’m working now since I have no job and feel like such a failure.

          And then I was thankful that I had children’s Advil in my hand so that I could conveniently say that I should go get home to my sick kid. Which wasn’t even a lie. But she didn’t need more medicine for at least four hours… so kind of a lie.

          Most of the time, though, I don’t even want to talk to people. There have been times when I’ve seen people and I run down some random aisle to hide. In general, I’m too anxious to reach out to people. I start having a panic attack when I try to plan out how I would do it… so I just stop.

          Sorry to ramble on…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Don’t apologise. Blogging is technically a fancier word for rambling, so no worries. We all do that!

            That is so amazing that you did have that conversation! It must not have been easy but you did it anyway!!!

            I mean when people do ask you, you could always just stay I prefer to stay at home than work. Like put out a positive spin just so you won’t feel embarrassed about it. But also since it does seem to be on your mind a lot, I am assuming you would have thought about going back to work or attempting to find one. How does it all make you feel? I mean you don’t have to tell me any of this but I’m just asking you to consider it. Like imagine you had a job tomorrow and you had to get to it and work, how would you think the situation will play out.

            I know you would have probably heard it a lot but just keep breathing and don’t think about planning it. I think the more one thinks about it, the more the number of possibilities arise and that just adds to that overwhelming feeling.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I have done what you suggested — made it sound like I’m staying home by choice. In some ways, I guess I am, but not entirely. And I think it’s bad for me.

              Honestly, though, at this point the thought of going back to work scares the hell out of me. It has been too long. I start to panic at the thought. But we do need the money.

              The intention when I first got laid off was for me to take a few months off. Then it became a few more months… and it went from there. Now, it’s been long enough that we have new routines. I am here whenever my kids need a ride. They can participate in so many activities we had to say no to before because no one was around to drive them and pick them up. If I went back now, I don’t know how they’d get home from school or how they would be able to continue any of the activities they love.

              I would need something part-time, which I have tried to find but cannot. I can’t just take some random job in retail, for example, because due to my back pain issues, I can’t be on my feet for long periods of time. I don’t have much flexibility. I need a part-time office job. Can’t find one.

              I’ve tried every work-from-home option that I have ever seen, pretty much, and that has gotten me nowhere. I think it would be better for me to get out of the house anyway, but like I said, that’s not working out.

              I have a problem with overthinking things. I do it constantly. It only takes me about 30 seconds to get to anxious thoughts from one little thing. It’s hard to stop it because it happens so fast. It’s kind of constant… and exhausting!

              Liked by 1 person

              • That is very understandable and overthinking is quite normal.
                What if the kids took the bus?

                It will be okay. I mean things do seem to work out in the end. Some days maybe the hubster could pick them up.

                Liked by 1 person

                • Where we live, the bus isn’t free. It’s ridiculous, but that’s how it is. My daughter tells me she wouldn’t want to take it anyway because of the poorly-behaved kids on the bus. I took the bus as a kid but I didn’t grow up here and it was a long time ago. My husband works a lot of hours. Often he doesn’t leave the office until 6 or later (even though he usually gets there before 8)… crazy, I know. I’m just kind of… stuck.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Okay that is a bummer.
                    Maybe try pursuing the writing?
                    Write for a column or a magazine and you wouldn’t have to step out as much and just send in your work?

                    Liked by 1 person

                    • I guess I could try, but the truth is, even if I may be a decent writer with certain things, I only seem to be able to do it when it’s a topic of my choosing… or something I’m in the mood to write. Like, if someone tells me to write an article about blenders, I have no idea where I’d go with that. That’s a terrible example, but it was the first thing that popped into my head… lol

                      I wish it was easier to find some sort of online work… writing or whatever. But it reality, it’s very difficult. Most of the work from home jobs are customer service (I am definitely not a phone person) or tech/design fields where even if I know some stuff, I don’t have the background to get hired. I tried many times. Rejection or no response at all. I know I’m not as motivated as some people, so maybe I didn’t try hard enough, but it feels like I moved mountains and the thought of going through it again overwhelms me… especially since I got nowhere.

                      Thank you for ‘listening’ to me. I know I’m not ‘easy’…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I would listen to you anytime. The only thing not easy about is typing. I am just so used to the phone’s keyboard cause I’m faster but I prefer and love blog hopping via pc/laptop.

                      You are a great writer. You grab my attention and have it till the end. You actually have such good relatable content. Lol the blender.

                      But you could be the kind of columnist that only writes about people or something like what you write on your blog, like the college series but filtered xD

                      What about those new online customer service. The kind where when you visit the website and there is the chat online for help. Idk I’m just spitballing here!

                      If you did feel like you moved mountains then you did! You did try your best and its okay 🙂

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I am the opposite — I hate typing on my phone and would rather use my laptop all the time. I often read comments on my phone but don’t reply until I get my laptop. I’m so much faster this way. And autocorrect is kind of a nightmare.

                      If only someone would decide that my blog is the perfect thing and just pay me for what I’m already writing. I know, I have a ridiculous imagination. Besides, I haven’t been posting as much as I used to. Other than A to Z, I mean.

                      I’ve been pretty absent for a long time. I guess I lost my inspiration… and my will to write followed. I started to wonder what the point was anyway. I started to wonder what the point was to anything. I still wonder. Everything feels so empty and pointless.

                      I might be able to do online customer service, but it would have to be something where I actually have some knowledge. And how do I get that job? I’ve tried to search for that before but I found nothing.

                      Everything feels so difficult. Stuff like this… but even the little things. I am such a mess!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Autocorrect is a bum!

                      Nah, that isn’t ridiculous. It makes sense and honestly if it could be possible it would be perfect.

                      Me too, I am my most active now during the challenge and for a while later but nowhere as much as now,

                      Yeah I know what that feels like. But the sometimes I wonder the point is to not have a point at all.

                      There is this part in the ending of Paper Towns by John Green. You don’t even have to read the entire book if you don’t want to. But the last 3-4 pages address this no point thing and it is just so well put,

                      I am sorry but I have no idea either. And about the knowledge aspect if its an online job, there is always Google xD

                      It’s okay to be a mess cause quite frankly we all are whether or not we choose to admit it! There is no one who is perfect!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I guess I just wish I could feel happy. Somewhere along the way, I lost that ability, and I don’t think I’m ever going to get it back.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • You can. Don’t pressurize yourself to feel happy either. When you do, you do ❤

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I’m just afraid I never will. I guess that was the ‘inspiration’ for today’s N post…

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • Don’t worry about what you may feel later.. cause it is so unpredictable!
                      Yeah.. I read that..

                      Liked by 1 person

  5. Toffee says:

    Came across your blog in the A to Z Challenge and have to say I love it. I’m dipping in and out at the moment but time is tight so I’ve made a note to myself to have a good look later, when I’m not so busy in the A to Z. Unlike intelligent people, I didn’t write very many posts in advance! As for this post, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have been invited to various school reunions but haven’t accepted due to various complicated reasons I won’t go into.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nice to meet you! I only wrote some posts in advance but I have a lot more to write. I’m getting stuck on a few letters.

      I, too, have been invited to school reunions and to a gathering of a group I used to work with before a bunch of layoffs. I never go. I just stay silent and hide. My old work friends all moved on to new jobs but I’m still unemployed. It’s been a long time. I feel like such a loser… there’s no way I could show my face!


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