it’s something.

lonely writer.

As of today, my last post has 48 likes. I’m sure to some that’s nothing… and to others it’s something. To me, right now, knowing I have barely been here for months, it’s definitely something.

Do people actually like me? Okay, let’s not get carried away.

Granted, I don’t even know if all 48 of those likes actually read my post. Or if they actually liked it. But still, they bothered to ‘like‘ it. [I’ll stop using the word ‘like’ now.] They bothered to acknowledge me. Forty-eight people. That’s something. Especially when you consider the fact that on an average day, excluding those in a customer service role where acknowledging me is required (read: Target employees and the dude who sells me coffee), three people acknowledge me. And they’re all related to me. Okay, maybe two. Sorry… I may have exaggerated when I said three.

Anyway… [I hate how often I use that word…]

I haven’t posted here regularly since last April’s A to Z Challenge. Before that, many months passed without me being around much. The last time I posted serial fiction was the final chapter of Back to You which ended on the first of September 2017. No, that’s not a typo. 2017. It has been over two years. It has been 852 days. [Yeah, I know it’s insane that I counted.]

One of my problems, if I want to call this a problem, and I’m not sure I do, is my inability to write. Sometimes I have plenty on my mind but getting the words down is problematic. Sometimes not knowing what to write is the issue.

Or maybe it’s not knowing what is okay for me to write.

I’m trying to please the wrong people. Because the right people, or person, is me.

A wise man once told me to write what sandra thinks… not what sandra thinks other people want sandra to think. (Yes, it was you RR. Maybe you don’t even remember… but I do.)

However, I’m afraid to write what I’ve been thinking. Maybe afraid isn’t the right word. Ashamed? Embarrassed? Or maybe, yes, afraid. My head is not a fun place.

It is because [prepare yourself for a shocker] I lack positivity.

[Aside: Why does autocorrect, in WP anyway, always tell me that positivity isn’t a word? That’s fucked up. Although I suppose positivity doesn’t exist for me so maybe WP knows me. Like Google knows everything about me. Officially freaked myself out now. Maybe I should ask Google what to do.]

So… positivity. Am I off-putting without it? If I am, so be it because positivity is not my goal. Maybe it used to be but no longer. I don’t want it. Not that being positive isn’t a good thing, but striving for it is obviously counterproductive for me. Doing that has only made things worse. Not only have I never become more positive despite my best efforts, but because I ‘failed‘, I have, in fact, become more negative.

I believe that for some people, positivity is never going to be their thing. And that’s okay.

The sooner I accept that, the better… because I’m so fucking sick of banging my head against a brick wall. I’ll never crack the wall… only my head.

[Would I even be me if I became the picture of positivity? I think not. I like my sarcasm and cynicism. I’ve been told it’s ‘charming’. No, really, I have.]

There’s a book I started to read because the title grabbed me immediately. Now, I’m only on page 6 as that is as far as Amazon would let me read in the ‘Look Inside’ view. But I already like this book. It sounds a bit like I wrote it. Okay, maybe not, but it sounds like the way my mind works. Ready for the title? Brace yourself. Here it is.

The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking

And I put it on my Christmas list. And now, nine days after Christmas, here it lies beside me.

I’m still on page 6.

 

p.s. — Totally unrelated but… I have been watching Lucifer on Netflix, and well, I’m in love with the devil. 

         

©2020 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in blogging, life, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to it’s something.

  1. Doesn’t surprise me that 48 people “like” you. Shouldn’t surprise you either. I mean, c’mon, everybody loves a smartass, right? Well, I do, at least. Hope you’re doin’ ok. How’s the back?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Welcome back my friend. Don’t try to please people. It’s hard to make everyone happy. Keep on blogging.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I always get so excited when I see your name pop up in my email! “OOOO she posted something!” Makes my whole day!

    Keep writing what and when you can ☺️ Doesn’t matter what it is just as long as it is what you want to post, not what you think others want you to post – just like your friend said.

    Glad to have read your words tonight! 😘💛

    Liked by 2 people

    • That is so sweet! Thank you for saying that. I’m a bad friend… I haven’t been around at all… so I’m really touched that you’re happy to see me here.

      I want so badly to be able to run with some of the ideas I’ve had recently for fiction, but little notes are the best I’ve been able to do. It’s so frustrating! I guess I could just post whatever… but I fear it would be the same crap every time…

      Thanks again… ♥

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m happy it’s something because I love the way you express your feelings. Your sarcasm and wit have always put a smile on my face. Enjoy the book and don’t forget about us waiting for more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I could never forget about you. You’re, like, my best friend ever. And I’m so sorry I haven’t written. I’m such a bad friend. It’s not that I don’t want to… I think it’s that I get too wrapped up in my life and all its messes.

      I need to get on with reading that book. I’m not crazy enough to believe it’ll actually help me. I mean, really, it’s just another self-help book, isn’t it? Those never work. But I thought it was worth a read.

      I’m going to try to post here more often. Maybe I need to put it on my calendar so I have reminders. But then I might just get irritated with the reminders and I’ll be even less likely to post. Ha. I’m such a mess!

      Like

  5. I just liked this post because it is exciting for me to be potentially involved in a record. This one might get 49.
    Uncharted territory for me, though – I don’t think that I’ve ever broken into the 30s.

    And as for people who actually ‘like’ me? Gee …. I don’t even know 48 people.

    Most of those people are ambivalent, at best.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. alexraphael says:

    It’s definitely something 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. mydangblog says:

    Lucifer is an awesome show! And you should be proud–I blog every week and you still have more followers than I do! Keep on writing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have no idea where my followers come from. When I was a frequent regular poster, I could sort of understand it (but not really), but now? It’s weird whenever I get a notification that I have a new follower. I wish those notifications came with more information… like what post they saw to make them follow. That would be interesting!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hey, good to see you Sandra. Now look on the bright side, you got to 2020 without murdering anyone. That’s a plus in anyone’s book. And you didn’t get to spend Christmas in hospital like RR did – what a bummer for him!
    Anyroadup, love and hugs to you for a healthier New Year with a modicum of joy, humour, satisfaction, and love. Anything you write will be a bonus we will all look forward to. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Marquessa says:

    You know that I’m always happy to see a post notification from you. But don’t feel guilty about not posting. No pleasing of others, just yourself, okay?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Michelle says:

    I am the same way. I can be positive to others but not to myself. Sometimes I fail at being positives to others. I am not a bad a person though. I have times when I don’t know what to write or how much I want to share. I share it anyway. If people feel hurt or don’t like it, that’s okay. Most likely people will like it because they like honesty and getting to know people they like online

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Meg says:

    Good to see you, Sandra! Your sarcasm is charming! And I’m with you on the positivity. It really gets on my nerves. And I truly believe its not for everyone. Anyway, I hope you’ll be around more… I actually haven’t been very active here recently either and I hope to change that. Sending love and best wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Love to you, too. It’s weird… I can’t point to something else that has taken my time away from here. I guess it isn’t something concrete keeping me away… it’s something mental. I can’t totally figure it out so I haven’t been able to change it. Oh well… I shall keep trying.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Meg says:

        I get it. It’s like once you lose your momentum, you can’t get it back. Plus, it just feels different around here. So many of the people we were connected with a couple years back have disappeared too… I still think there might be an average life expectancy for blogs. Two or three years and you burn out. Especially if you’re not blogging for the ‘social’ aspect. Ah, well… I hope to try and use it to focus me back on writing in general. Fingers crossed. For you too! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        • I agree… it feels different here. But then I think… I wish it could be better now. It seems to be different in a bad way… but I wish it was different in a good way.

          Hmm. Remember when I could write poetry?? That seems like a lifetime ago…

          Liked by 1 person

          • Meg says:

            I’m sure you still have poetry inside you! But yes, it is different in a bad way… our ‘circle’ has been broken. I’ve been to distracted to go out and look for new ‘friends’ too. I suppose that would help.

            Like

  12. Overthinking, the writer’s curse! Sometimes you need to get of your own head, write, release it and move onto the next thing you need to worry about (…she says, even though she also barely posts anymore,lol).

    Liked by 1 person

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