I said good day.

I usually write when I feel like ass.

Wow, what a fabulous opening line from a girl who hasn’t posted for nearly a month.

Okay, back to feeling like ass. I guess I write when I feel that way because I’m looking for support. Yes, I freely admit that. That’s me. Needy as hell. I don’t have any friends… I only have you. [Not that you are not friends, but you know what I mean.] I am lonely.

The most social interaction I have is a monthly talk with my MH nurse practitioner. She doesn’t do talk therapy… it’s not like that. It’s just a check-in. But for me it’s more. She has the ability to point out what’s good when I only see what’s bad. And she tells me that the ‘advice‘ (I use the term *very* loosely) I get from some, usually unsolicited, is total crap. That helps me because I take to heart what people say to me, and I feel inadequate… I feel like a failure. Like, more than usual. But I shouldn’t because it’s not that simple. It never is.

No one is me. [Lucky you!] No one truly understands what I feel or what I am/am not capable of. So suggestions and advice make me feel worse because… see above. I fail.

Wow, a tangent. Imagine that. Ha. That probably makes up half of what I post. It’s a wonder I can ever write anything coherent. I’m all over the place.

Okay okay. Right. Good days… bad days… when I write… that’s what I was talking about.

I often wonder why I don’t write when I’m having a good day. Is it because I have so few of them that I try to accomplish other things when I do have one? Maybe. I bet part of it is my ridiculous fear that I will disappoint everyone when I follow a ‘good day‘ post with a ‘feel like ass‘ post.

[By the way, a ‘good day’ for me is one where it’s not bad. A ‘good day’ for me doesn’t mean something good happened. It just means nothing too bad happened. So I guess a ‘good day’ for me is probably a regular, neutral day to most people. But a regular day for me is a bad day… because that’s what I have most. Is it bad that on a ‘good day’, I barely recognize myself? ‘Who the fuck is this person??’ Yeah, I guess that’s bad.]

Anyway…
(That’s one of my pet words… it annoys me when I use it… but here we are.)

I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Every day I think about stopping by… but I never make it. I have no excuses… no explanations. I just don’t make it.

But I’m here now.

Rejoice!

 

p.s.— Just so you know… right here, right now—this is me on a good day. 

p.s. 2— I’m not proofreading/editing this post… because I don’t feel like it. 

         

©2019 what sandra thinks

 

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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35 Responses to I said good day.

  1. Marquessa says:

    I’m here for anything you write. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad to see you back! Even if it is to just post like this! Miss you xoxo 💛

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Glad you wrote! And you got to use p.s. which I know you love!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re definitely missed. Not quite the same around here without you. I haven’t rainbowed and butterflied anyone in a while. 😏

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Meg says:

    Yes, good to see you! And I’m glad you’re having a good day. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just look at these lovely people who love to see you pop up here every now and again. We all miss you when you are not around, and rejoice to see your return each time. Hugs all round are called for!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Monique28 says:

    I love when you write you write the things i feel on a day to day but being a mother a women intodays society you can’t feel depressed or unwanted or just not ones self with out someone saying you have it all what’s not to be happy about. So reading your post let’s me know i’m not alone

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can’t tell you how excited I was to see a notification in my box that you had a post 🙂 I miss you when you don’t blog. No worries if you don’t post something. We’re here when you’re ready. I’m an unconditional follower/friend/fan. Hugs Darlin!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Sareeta Lopez says:

    I totally relate. I tend to write when I feel like crap too. I hope things improve. Been missing you!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. mydangblog says:

    Always happy to read anything you’ve written, even if I’m a bit late to the party today:-)

    Liked by 1 person

  11. thatonenp says:

    Lol! I loved reading this post! Your so honest, it’s a breath of fresh air!

    Liked by 1 person

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