I was just thinking | i/imagination #atozchallenge

I was just thinking | whatsandrathinks


Here’s more shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and loneliness. And I think this one is even longer than part one. Sorry, loves.

dots.

… continued from here

I guess on some level, there is love between my husband and me. But I am not in love with this man. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I ever was. In my [foolish] youth, I wanted someone so badly that I convinced myself he was the right guy for me… that I was in love. But it was all in my imagination. What also kills me is that I think my mother knew. [Smart lady, my mom.] She asked me, when he proposed, if I truly loved him or just the idea of him. She was spot-on. But I was too stupid, foolish, scared, deluded (take your pick) to see it.

My husband has moments of total dicketry. He can be an ass for no reason. I can be a bitch, so I can’t really call him out on that. But sometimes, he makes me feel so small. Like, Ant-Man sized. Minus any superpowers.

He’s not a good listener. He’s always somewhere else, often not taking his eyes off his phone or the tv. He never offers support of any kind—not verbally or physically. I get, ‘yeah’ and ‘I don’t know’ and other such useless and non-comforting responses. I don’t expect answers or solutions. I just want someone to care. I’m sure on some level he does care, but not enough to truly hear me.

But this support I long for—I don’t even want it from him. I sure as fuck don’t want a hug from him [not that he offers]. Don’t touch me. Oh, I want hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. But not from him. I want to be touched, but not by him. I need that kind of connection, but it doesn’t exist with him. Maybe it did once… maybe a little. But now, the thought of sex with him is unappealing. I’d rather be on my own. Or, you know, with someone who’s madly in love with me and I him.

But I am trapped. I won’t put my kids through a divorce. I don’t have a job so I can’t support myself. And, come on, it’s too late for me anyway. I’m not going to find someone… the right someone. I’m not going to fall in love, and no one is going to fall in love with me.

Imagination.

It’s where I want to live. I want to run away and stay there forever. It hurts me that it’s impossible. It hurts so much. The one thing I wanted more than anything else in my life—love. I’ll never have it. I often wonder, then, what’s the point in going on?

I’m not in love. I’m not happy.

I used to think that I was the reacher, but I’ve come to see, despite my general lack of confidence, that I am actually the settler.

Ted and Robin theorize that in every relationship, one person is a “reacher”, and one is a “settler”, who settles for the less attractive partner.
               —Wikipedia, How I Met Your Mother, “Jenkins”

And by less attractive, I don’t just mean physically. Here’s where the weird dose of confidence I don’t really grasp comes in. I hope it doesn’t come across as conceited or egotistical.

I am more beautiful than he is handsome.
I am smarter than he is (though he is quite smart).
I am more selfless and he is more selfish.
I am more romantic than he is. I am romantic and he is not.
I am more passionate than he is.
I am cool and he is… less cool.

I know… look at that… I found positive things to say about myself. Ironically, that positivity makes me feel worse. As the settler, if that’s what I am, I’ve failed myself. Why didn’t I hold out for the right man? I know why… because I was afraid I’d never find him… so I settled for what I could get. Mistake. Big mistake.

I want to fall in love. I want romance. I want sweetness. I want intelligence. I want humor. I want trust. I want passion. Lots of passion. I want generosity. I want tall. I want abs.

I hope he shows up in my dreams tonight. Tall, dark, and with sexy abs.

 

p.s.— I wonder if this gives everyone a deeper understanding of me and what my life is like. I don’t know, but I still feel ashamed. And I’m still dreaming about true love. Not sure why, though. I know deep down that’s all it will ever be for me… a dream.

©2019 what sandra thinks

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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48 Responses to I was just thinking | i/imagination #atozchallenge

  1. This kind of breaks my heart, for you and for me. I’m alone physically and still sad about losing my husband, but deep down I hope I’m not alone for the rest of my life. I want there to be someone else for me and for you. We deserve it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Don’t feel ashamed to share your truth, especially not on your blog. This is your place. And it does give a little bit more of an insight into you and your life. I feel like you kind of really needed to write the post yesterday and today. You’ve been kind of hinting at how you feel for so long, I’m sure it felt (even just a tiny bit?) good to let that all out in an honesty and open way.

    Hugs to you my friend. I’m sorry you are stuck in such a place. But I always say never give up hope. Maybe you are stuck right now in this moment but it also might not be like that forever. You never know what the future will bring. And I say that with all sincerity because I know how you dislike sweeping positive statements and cliches lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Why do you think it’s too late for you? It’s never too late xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m getting older. And I would never break up my family while my kids are still young(ish). I wouldn’t want to do anything until my youngest was at least 18, so that’s at least 7 years from now. And I already feel old. It just seems like it’s too late.

      Like

  4. I don’t know what to say to this. I didn’t want to “like” this one either. One thing I have issue with is saying you could never find love or that it’s too late. Never say never.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I keep saying the same thing in my comment responses. I can’t support myself financially so I can’t separate from my husband even if I wanted to. I don’t know when I’d be able to support myself… but… I would not separate until my youngest is at least 18 anyway so that’s a minimum of 7 more years before I’d even consider it.

      I already feel like I’m too old and it’s too late to find someone new. By then, it’ll be even later and I’ll be even older. I’ve missed/lost so much time, so many years. I can’t get them back. And I might get to a place where it seems pointless to even try. I mean, how long am I going to live? Who knows.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. The only thing I will say is that it’s never too late! Don’t ever think or say that it’s late. I can understand you saying that you don’t want to put the kids through a divorce but think about what you may be doing to them by being parents who do not display love to each other, maybe even that’s not so great!
    Is there a women’s group in your area that can help you get up on your feet? Do you think they could help. Maybe just check it out. Small steps taken in the right direction could possibly lead to greater things.
    Good luck and I do hope you find the courage to someday find the kind of love you long for.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for your thoughts. I understand what you’re saying about my kids not seeing their parents in a loving relationship. But I still couldn’t separate from my husband anyway. I don’t have the means to do so.

      I don’t know of any women’s group. I’m not even sure I know what you mean. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • When you say you don’t have the means, I’m guessing you mean a job to support your kids and yourself? That’s where the women’s groups that I mentioned comes in handy. When I say women’s group, I mean, non-profit organizations that help women who need help to start over. They help you retrain or learn a skill, help with finding a job, help resettle into a new life following divorce, etc. I used to work with one such organization here in VA. I don’t know where you’re based but if you can do a google search based on your area, you will be able to find some organizations that will help.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Oh. I do have the skills and could probably get a job right now, but I am currently my kids’ only way of getting to and from where they need to be. I need something part time that fits my exact schedule. That’s making it impossible. I even have a recruiter who contacts me when she gets part time job opportunities, but those are rare.

          This is all too much for me. I have no plans to leave my husband at this time. I could not emotionally, psychologically handle it. I would fall apart and then I’d be totally useless to my kids and to everyone else.

          Like

  6. I have a confession to make Sandra. I’m not tall, I’m not dark, and I don’t know where my abs went to. I promise not to show up in your dreams, but if I meet anyone of that description I’ll point him your way! xx

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Bill says:

    I can fake an Irish brogue. When I do Scottish, I sound like I’m speaking in tongues. Before I retired, I worked with blokes from 10 countries. The only ones I could not understand when they spoke English, were the freaking Brits. I used to put one guy on speaker so others in the room could tell me what he was saying. Carry on. Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nothing at all to be ashamed about. I have always loved your honesty. It’s what brought me to your blog an what kept me coming back. I do think your readers will understand you at a deeper level now that you’re sharing so much. I hate you feel that you will never find that true love. But reading all of the comments above, I agree, it’s never too late Darling. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I don’t see who would ever fall in love with me. I don’t even like me. I don’t even know why you like me! The honesty, I know… and other stuff… I know. But I’m just not the kind of person people fall in love with.

      Like

  9. Meg says:

    I don’t think I can anything new after the other comments but I will say that I agree that it is not too late to find true love. The future is an unwritten story so don’t count yourself out. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Hunida says:

    Sandra, I don’t think you should feel ashamed at all! Thank you for letting us into your life a little more so we could understand. ♡ I know you won’t believe me but I truly think the right man is still out there, waiting for you. Your love story can still be written!

    Liked by 1 person

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